*rimshot*

Man walks into a pet store in Austin and is looking around when he spots a chimpanzee in a cage marked, "$1000". Man looks a little closer and discovers that the chimpanzee is wearing a tie and a hat and is twirling a set of handcuffs around his finger.

Curious, the man summons the shopkeeper and asks him what the deal is with this thousand-dollar monkey.

Shopkeeper says, "Sir! You have discovered our Police Monkeys! This one is our basic Patrol version. It's got a TCLEOSE Basic certification; can fire 'Expert' with a Glock, Remington 870, or an AR15; knows the Penal Code and Traffic Code by heart and is up-to-date on Cultural Diversity and Active Shooter Response. Very good value for a thousand dollars!"

The man is suitable impressed and moves to the next cage, which is occupied by a gorilla -- also wearing a hat and tie, but is gnawing on a pen instead of the handcuffs. The price on this one is $5000. Shopkeeper exclaims, "Ah, sir! You have discovered the Sergeant model! This one has a TCLEOSE Advanced certification, is capable of training any other monkeys in basic firearms skills, mechanics of arrest, physical training, investigation and small unit tactics! It can even type! Very good value for five thousand, sir!"

Impressed, the man moves to the next cage.

Inside, he finds an orangutan, dressed in the same hat and tie as the others, but holding a coffee cup.

"What does this one do that he's worth $12,000?" asks the man.

The shopkeeper clears his throat, "Ah, sir, well .... we've never actually seen him do anything, but he says that he's a lieutenant."

*rimshot*

This one's probably only funny to my cop readers.

*sigh*

Oh, well.

LawDog

They did what?!

Every once in a while, folks will gently chide me about my stories. I have been told that some of my scribbles stretch credulity a bit.

Hah!

I tell you that my stories are no more than normal.

For instance, I have yet to run into anything like this.

In case that link collapses, it is to the story of three Houston teens who casually desecrated the ninety-year-old grave of a child so they could modify the skull into a bong and smoke their marijuana out of it.

A copy of the PC affidavit for the arrest may be found here.

Makes my critter tales seem down-right inspirational, doesn't it?

LawDog

Depressing thought for the day

Mission Creep: The expansion of a project or mission beyond its original goals, often after initial success...

Scooted out to the west to go fishing this morning. It's kind of broken country out that way, some ups and downs, not a whole lot of choices in your radio listening pleasure.

Wound up listening to a whole lot of political radio. Actually, what we listened to, was a whole lot of people running their yaps regarding what their chosen variety of poison presidential candidate was "going to do for America".

About the third time someone mentioned "Obama", "Clinton", McCain", "service" and "the American Public" Chris turned to me and said -- probably channeling Will Rogers -- "Isn't 'service' what a bull does to a cow?"

Heh.

I love my brother.

Article II of the Constitution of the United States defines, enables and empowers the Office of the President.

Section 1 of Article II defines how we elect a President, who may be elected, who gets to be President if the guy currently holding the office doesn't hold it anymore, that he gets paid and what Oath of Office he must take.

Sections 2 and 3 of Article II are what should interest everyone this Election Day -- they state what powers the President shall have.

First paragraph:

"The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the Militia of the several States, when called into the actual Service of the United States; he may require the Opinion, in writing, of the principal Officer in each of the executive Departments, upon any Subject relating to the Duties of their respective Offices, and he shall have Power to grant Reprieves and Pardons for Offences against the United States, except in Cases of Impeachment."

Do you see anything in that paragraph regarding abortion? Energy requirements? Global Climate Change?

Second paragraph:

"He shall have Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, to make Treaties, provided two thirds of the Senators present concur; and he shall nominate, and by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, shall appoint Ambassadors, other public Ministers and Consuls, Judges of the supreme Court, and all other Officers of the United States, whose Appointments are not herein otherwise provided for, and which shall be established by Law: but the Congress may by Law vest the Appointment of such inferior Officers, as they think proper, in the President alone, in the Courts of Law, or in the Heads of Departments."

Do you see anything in there about health care? Social security? Urban policy? Improving schools?

Third paragraph:

"The President shall have Power to fill up all Vacancies that may happen during the Recess of the Senate, by granting Commissions which shall expire at the End of their next Session."

Do you see any mention in there of reforming immigration? Welfare? Caring for children? Parental leave?

Section 3, first paragraph:

He shall from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union, and recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient; he may, on extraordinary Occasions, convene both Houses, or either of them, and in Case of Disagreement between them, with Respect to the Time of Adjournment, he may adjourn them to such Time as he shall think proper; he shall receive Ambassadors and other public Ministers; he shall take Care that the Laws be faithfully executed, and shall Commission all the Officers of the United States.

How about Investing in Conservation Efforts? Broadband to Rural Americans? Carbon Credit Trading? Human Dignity? Are any of those listed ANY-BLOODY-WHERE in the duties of the President of the United States?

*sigh*

The President of the United States was never meant to be, nor intended to be, King of America.

The President of the United States was never meant to do anything other than what is listed in red above.

The Office of the President is, in fact, expanding far beyond the limits and the very mission which is clearly and plainly carved in the metaphorical marble of the Constitution of the United States for any and all to read.

So when you hear -- or read -- that "John McCain will reform the Tax Code" -- why does no one ask where he gets this unilateral power?

When you hear -- or read -- that Hillary Clinton will "spur the green building industry by funding the retrofitting and modernization of 20 million low-income homes" -- why does no one demand to know why she thinks she has this ability?

When you hear -- or read -- that "As president, Obama will raise the minimum wage to $9.50 an hour by 2011 and index it to inflation" -- why does no one stand up and say, "You don't have the power to do that"?

Are we so desperate for an absolute monarch that we blindly and joyously allow our Presidential candidates to claim powers that are restricted to Congress? That -- obviously -- we expect him/her to do so?

*sigh*

The fall of this great Republic started when the people of these United States came to believe the lie that we were a Democracy, instead of a Republic.

The fall of this great Republic has been furthered by an electorate that is deliberately unknowing and willfully blind as to the limits and rights of our government.

The end of this great Republic will begin when our leaders take the power that most of the electorate believes they already have.

LawDog

Cigars for everyone!

Yes, we here at Rancho LawDog would like to announce the arrival of another bouncing blog-child!

Drop by Thoran's Thoughts and give him some kind words and encouragement.

Cheek pinching is optional.

LawDog

Phrase of the Day

You have been chasing a critter through multiple back-yards. He is half your age and not encumbered by the forty pounds of bat-belt and armour required by Modern Policing; therefore he is actually picking up speed as he antelopes over fence after fence after fence.

As you are leaning against a tree, wheezing and swearing that you're going to start going to the gym tomorrow, he clears the next-to-last fence -- to the sudden joyous baritone barking that can only come from the throat of a dog the size of a tyrannosaurus rex.

This is techically referred to as "Canis Interruptus", and it tends to engender a warm-and-fuzzy feeling in your chest and a jaunty whistle to your lips as you stroll happily down the alley to the heartrending sounds of shrieking, tearing, crashing and general doggy mayhem.

This has been your LawDog Phrase of the Day.

LawDog

We Interrupt ...

... your regularly scheduled blog reading for this important announcement:

The official e-mail address for this blog and its author may be found under the "View my complete profile" on the left side of this page.

When I e-mail someone, I will use one of four possible e-mail addresses: the gmail address mentioned above; one other gmail address with my real name; my county email address which contains my real name and the county I work for; or (very rarely) a SearchMalta address.

I do not have a yahoo e-mail address, nor do I have a hotmail address.

That being said, I'd like to discuss a facet of my personality which seems to have missed at least one critter out there:

Off line, I am an extremely private person. I do not, will not, nor have I ever casually announced to a complete stranger that I am the author of this blog -- no matter how cute she is.

My blog does not ever come up in casual conversation with anyone other than those I consider kith and kin. That means family and close friends. Period.

More to the point, I will not use the fact that I am the author of this blog in an effort to further unwanted romantic advances upon anyone -- ever.

If you are the subject of unwanted romantic or sexual attention by an officer -- contact the Internal Affairs division of his department and contact the head of his agency.

If the officer is using my blog, my words, and my on-line identity in his pursuit -- contact the Internal Affairs division of that department, contact the head of the agency, and then send me an e-mail and you can bet your last biscuit that at least one thing is going to get settled.

Now.

If you are reading this blog, and you are considering claiming it, or any part of it, as yours for any kind of gain -- material, immaterial, sexual, financial, psychological or otherwise -- you'd best pray to whatever gods you worship that I never find out that you have.

That is all.

LawDog

Oh. My. Gawd.

"The Dignity of Living Beings with Regard to Plants" by the Swiss Federal Ethics Committee on Non-Human Biotechnology.

I figured this had to be a joke.

Not so much -- here's the official report.

Apparently, people cannot (morally speaking) claim absolute ownership over plants -- allow me to quote from the paper:

"we may not use them just as we please, even if the plant community is not in danger, or if our actions do not endanger the species, or if we are not acting arbitrarily."

*blink, blink*

What the hell are they smoking over in Switzerland? I'm guessing -- in light of the above-referenced paper -- that's it's not made from vegetation.

Did no one step back and say, "Whoa, we're getting a bit stupid here" or maybe "I wonder if we're getting a bit out of touch with normal humans?"

This is pure, complete and total idiocy.

Plants have no rights. Period. They don't get to claim "dignity" and ethics don't apply to plants. If I plant it, I have "absolute ownership" of it. Full stop. End of statement. Pack up your stuff and go home.

If I didn't plant it, but no one has a beef about it, I'll do what I want with it.

Here in a week or so, the Texas highways are going to be inundated with bluebonnets. I don't own these bluebonnets, but if I want to pick a bunch of them, I'm going to. If I want to drop a baby into a clump of them to take pictures, I'm going to. If I want fall over backwards into a clump of them and contemplate for a while -- I'm going to.

Because they're bloody plants and they sodding well don't have any rights. Or dignity. Or the right to be treated "ethically". They're plants.

The fact that the Swiss government has chosen to enshrine "plant dignity" is -- to me -- a symptom of the creeping disease of self-loathing that has been infecting Western civilisation since the 1960's -- at least.

Why do certain segments of our own populations hate us -- hate themselves -- so much that they are willing to go to these ridiculous lengths?

More importantly, why do they insist on inflicting the results of their self-hate on everyone else?

Judas Priest on a flaming pogo stick, but I'm getting tired of this kind of stupidity.

LawDog

Iron Man

Wow.

I went to see this movie without any real high expectations -- boy, was I surprised.

Yes, there was an undercurrent of "Weapons Are Evil/Merchant Of Death" going on, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Jeff Bridges shocked the hell out of me. I didn't even realize it was him until about half-way through the movie; and he apparently had a great deal of fun chewing the scenery.

Robert Downey, jr was born to play the role of a boozing, womanising, ne-er-do-well arrogant playboy -- not much of a stretch, come to think. He did a spot-on portrayal of Tony Stark.

Gwyneth Paltrow actually pulled off the part of the loyal Virginia 'Pepper' Potts, and Terrence Howard -- although a bit rocky at first -- managed a decent Jim Rhodes.

The CGI isn't as obvious as in some other movies recently, the humour is rather well done, and the cast and director were obviously familiar with the comic book and stayed true.

This one gets the LawDog Paw Of Approval.

LawDog

New tacklebox gun, I think

Taurus 941 in .22 WMR, eight round cylinder and a four-inch barrel.

Used Jim March's "Revolver Checkout Procedure" -- an invaluable resource for anyone in the used revolver market -- and it passed nicely.

Double-action trigger-pull is a skosh heavy -- that's to be expected with a rimfire -- but the single-action pull is crisp.

.22 Magnum out of a 4-inch tube is going to produce a fairly nice fireball, I think, but hollowpoints should be decent medicine for bait-stealing turtles, rabid wildlife, and for territorial negotiations with the occasional buzztail or cottonmouth.

LawDog

Fuzzy Bunny Movie Guns Group Buy

My friend Larry Correia over at Fuzzy Bunny Movie Guns is having another CZ firearms group buy.

CZ makes good, dependable guns; and the group buy prices are excellent. If you're interested, send him a note at:
larry@fbmginc.com

Besides, who can resist ordering your next bang-stick from a place called "Fuzzy Bunny Movie Guns"?

Tell them that 'Dog sent you.

LawDog

Oh, furtheluva ...

In today's news, we discover the poignant case of young Broderick Lloyd Laswell, currently in durance vile in the Benton County Bed and Breakfast over in Arkansas.

Young Broddy's pitiful tale of woe and despair begins when he -- allegedly -- helped to beat and stab a a man to death before -- again, allegedly -- burning the victim's trailer house to the ground in an effort to conceal the crime.

As the best laid schemes o' mice an' men are aft wont to do, things went all agley, clues started turning up, people started confessing, that kind of thing -- and Young Broddy wound up getting heaved into the county clink.

Now, puir wee Broddy claims to have weighed in at a svelte 413 pounds (that's not a typo -- four hundred and thirteen pounds) upon intake into the facility -- although, to be fair, the jail staff maintain that he was a waifish 382 pounds (that's a '3', followed by an '8' and a '2') when they got their paws on him in September of 2007.

Well, come April of 2008 and our puir wee lambikins is a downright skeletal 308 pounds (that's twenty-two stone for my Cross-Pond Readers) clinging desperately to his six-foot frame.

This, of course, is an injustice too grievous to be borne, so he has manfully presented his concerns to senior jail staff.

Senior jail staff, in the height of their cruelty and barbarism, have informed Young Broddy that he is receiving an average measly pittance of 3000 calories a day!

Since the average Western diet -- eaten by a lot of people who, you know, work for a living -- is between 2,000 and 3,000 calories a day, anyone can see the grave injustice, the damnable cruel inhumanity that is being heaped onto the frail brow of Young Broddy.

How the poor, starving (three hundred and eight pound) skeleton managed to file a lawsuit against the County minions to battle this cruel and unusual punishment (lost a hundred pounds while waiting for his Capital Murder trial to begin! Oh, the humanity!) is a shining example to useless parasitic bottom-feeding scumbag critters everywhere.

*snort*

LawDog

Oh, that's nice, that is.

By way of RobertaX, we learn of a "Thank You" campaign for those of us who might be a bit on the shy side.

Very, very cool.

LawDog

"Secret shoppers" or "Mystery shoppers"

That old scam is making the rounds around here, and -- as usual -- people are still falling for it.

*sigh*

There is a legitimate job known as a "mystery shoppers" used by retailers throughout the United States. These are company employees unknown to the store workers who come into the store incognito, make purchases and then send a report to the Head Office on the cleanliness of the store, competency of the employees, courtesy shown and other things.

Basically company stooges and snitches.

The scam plays off on this.

In contrast to most of his ilk, the Secret Shopper Scammer doesn't usually use auto-dialers, mass e-mails or bulk faxes. What he does do ... is take out advertisements in the "Help Wanted" section of the local paper -- or has someone nail adverts to the local telephone poles -- "Part-Time Job!"

So, the poor pigeon calls the number in the newspaper and the friendly person on the other end asks them if the pigeon would do the company the greatest of favours and just check on the customer relationship aspect of the local business.

They've heard nothing but good things about the store! But, you know corporate VP's and all that .. and, oh, silly me -- we'll compensate you for your time!

So, the pigeon figures, "What the hell"; answers some questions and pretty soon the first compensation cheque arrives in the mail -- maybe a thousand, three thousand, whatever. Let us say it's for 500 USD.

As per instructions from the scammer, the pigeon either deposits this cheque into his bank account or cashes it, then hies himself to the local corporate store.

Once there, the pigeon takes diligent notes regarding cleanliness, friendliness, everything the scammer asked for -- ah, but the store offers Western Union service. Obviously, this must be checked also.

However, the scammer is courteous! It would be too much to ask for the pigeon to cough up his own money to check the Western Union system -- therefore, about half of the initial cheque is forwarded to Corporate -- the best way to check to see if the system works. So, the victim deposits $250 US in the Western Union system -- to be withdrawn anywhere in the world, by anyone with a proper code.

The rest of the cheque received by the victim is, of course, his salary.

The victim goes home, files a report with "Corporate HQ" -- along with the Money Retrieval Code (it is their money, right?) and is happy as a clam at high tide with his part-time job.

Unfortunately, the cheque is bogus -- or, worst case scenario -- forged.

When the cheque bounces -- and it will -- the bank will try again. Then they'll come to get their money back.

Guess who the bank -- or the defrauded citizen -- is going to get their money out of?

The scammer? Whom the pigeon only knows as a friendly voice a the end of a phone line -- which coincidentally is actually a VOIP number -- no, the scammer is well into the wind by now, and probably overseas.

Nope. The pigeon now owes the bank the $500 dollars. Or thousand, three thousand, however much. And, if the cheque was a forged one, he also faces criminal charges.

*sigh*

Don't fall for this one, folks.

For information on this, and other scams, visit Fakechecks.org.

LawDog

I'm glad someone else is paying for these ...

In other news, according to the fourth Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Test I've taken in the last twenty years, I'm still an INFP.

Yay, me.

That, and 45 cents will get you a cup of coffee.

LawDog

Meme-ishness

By way of MattG, who caught it from Lady Tam, I have been tagged for a meme.

Ah, well. It beats thinking.

Let us see here:

1. Pick up the nearest book of 123 pages or more.
2. Find page 123.
3. Find the first five sentences.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

Hmm. Page 123 is a diagram titled "Palm-Up Slash Against Lowline Target". Okay, we'll go on to 124 -- "Palm-Right Slash Against Lowline Target"; page 125 is a diagram of a "Palm-Left Slash Against Highline Target" and 126 is blank.

Ah-hah! Page 127 has sentences!

"The technique Shearman used against Bishop clearly follows a military technique called flourishing. This technique, normally associated with the backsword or saber, is based on a series of angles from which cutting attacks may be delivered. The flourish is accomplished by delivering one angle of attack after another in a flowing pattern."

The book: "The Fighting Tomahawk" by Dwight C. McLemore.

Meh. I tag whomever wants to play.

LawDog