Monday, June 12, 2006

One from the past

Wrote this one -- Good God, December 2002! -- over at www.thehighroad.org.

We're doomed.

I have seen the future of America, and I'm here to tell you it bloody well looks bleak from where I sit.

One of the guys at the department brought a videotape to work today and told us that if we wanted to see some truly funny and pathetic stuff, we should watch it.

I am sorry to say, we did.

Apparently somebody, somewhere has decided to spring scary situations on unsuspecting people, and film their reactions for the edification of the masses.

I know what you're thinking. And I probably should go into a rant about the disgusting practice of terrifying people for the purpose of filming their terror so so that Joe Sixpack can be amused, but no.

No, friends and neighbors, the truly horrifying thing about this show is the gormless, gutless - pardon my French: nutless reactions of the victims.

Folks, I have just seen two fairly large young men who are escorting a cute young lady climb into a taxi-cab and when the taxi driver refuses to stop the cab (and even goes so far as to begin driving through structures) these two outstanding examples of the knuckle-dragging half of the species don't do a damned thing except bleat at the driver to stop!

Are you kidding me?!

You've got a maniac cab driver bellowing about not going back to jail and driving like a sulphur-reeking bat over, and through, the scenery; and you've got a lady screaming hysterically in the front seat and what do these two putzes do?

[snivel]"Look, you need to stop. Really. Please stop the car."[/snivel]

Jumping Judas priest on a flaming pogo stick!

Are you telling me that between the two of those -- I can't call them men, because I swear to God that there can't be enough testosterone between the two of them to sprout one single solitary chest hair -- between the two of those ... things ... they didn't have one right cross? A chokehold? Hell, the two of them couldn't just snatch the driver over the back of his seat and pummel the ever-living Cheeze-Whiz out of him?

Look, I know and understand that the brainwashed little honyocks would probably wet their knickers at the thought of touching, much less carrying, a gun, but they didn't have one single, dad-blasted pocket-knife somewhere?

[snivel]"Look, we're getting scared. We don't like this."[/snivel]

Well, no ****, Sherlock! Bloody well express your feelings later, do something about the idiot right the hell now!

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, since when the hell did snivelling become the American response to Bad Stuff Happening?

I swear to God that the touchy-feely hippie jackanapes have ruined this whole country.

This is what passes as humor?! I'm here to tell you the only God-****ed thing that would have been funny about that whole situation would have been if one of those lads would have screwed a .38 into the drivers' ear and caused the goober to drench his drawers.

That would have been funny.

No-ooo. We get whimpering and snivelling. And everybody out thataway seems to think this is normal.

Is someone yanking my chain? At one time we were the mightiest nation on the face of God's green earth, and we're reduced to this?

We're toast. We are absolutely, undeniably toast. Bloody hell.

And I hope like hell that the little darling in the front seat wasn't planning on canoodling with one of the victims later -- I don't know about California, but here in Texas we have laws concerning intimate relations with sheep.

Bloody well a case of Aggravated Sexual Assault of a Farm Animal, I swear to God.

My thoughts upon this subject have see-sawed since I wrote that piece. Every day there are guys-and-gals on the ground in Afghanistan and Iraq who do me proud.

On the other paw, for every gunny sergeant who gets blown up by an IED, then stands up and gives the insurgents the old One Digit Salute, we get an Ehren Watada.

For every wounded soldier who kicks, claws and bites to get back to his buddies, we've got a Micah Wright and a Jesse MacBeth lying through their snaggle teeth for the purpose of slandering those kids -- with the knowing aid of the moonbat left, I might add.

I'd like to think that America hasn't devolved into thinking that snivelling is the answer for everything, but then I see that Cindy Sheehan and Jimmy Massey have been turned into heroes by this same America, and I have to wonder.

*sigh*

As a student of history, I realize that this same rant has been uttered by every civilization dating back to Og and Thag; and that the Assyrians, Romans, Egyptians, Babylonians and everyone else has always bitched about the latest generation being slackers and pansies.

Knowing that Boudicca probably had a Mama Sheehan back at the old burg snivelling and protesting about the illegal and immoral war being waged against the peaceful Nero and his legions doesn't make the modern version any easier to put up with.

Oh, well.

LawDog

14 comments:

MarkF said...

Lawdog, I'm sure they select those sheep for that exact reaction. I caught this show in passing a couple of times, and couldn't help but wish that they'd pick a capable, confident 'victim'.
A capable, confident **ARMED** victim would be right out.
The producers wouldn't want THAT to happen, though, would they?
Not only would it cause the practical joker to seriously contemplate another line of work, it would go against Hollywoods' mantra of helplessness and victimhood.
Too bad, though, as it would do wonders for my weightloss program. I'd laugh a considerable portion of my fundament clean off.

markm said...

1) Snatch the key out of the ignition.

2) When the car comes to a stop, express my feelings - by dragging the driver out of the car and kicking him where his legs meet...

karla said...

Was the woman in the front seat part of the 'joke' crew or part of the 'victim' crew?

If the latter, why didn't SHE turn off the engine, slam the gearshift into Park, whatever. There's no reason for her just to sit and scream!!!!! Hey, girl, haven't you heard, you CAN rescue yourself nowadays.

Sheesh.

Mark said...

Lawdog,
Don't you have to sign a release to have the film of you released too? So these guys (and I use the term loosely) actually gave PERMISSION for the world to see their total gutlessness.

Two possibilities: they were actors and the whole thing was a fraud or they have so little dignity that the few bucks they got made it worthwhile. I don't know which is more likely.

Tim said...

Wether paid actors, random victims that signed a release of their stupidity, or the average reaction of sheepish men, this is completly unacceptable for two reasons:

A.) They did nothing about their safety

B.) They did nothing to protect the precious female with them

Both of these actions (or lack there-of) are common-sense, instinct-from-your-homosapien-bones reactions to danger. I can only hope there is an underlying cause for their humiliating actions. I know one thing's for dang sure...I wouldn't have hesitated to bore a 9mm barrell down his temple!

Kristopher said...

No one remembers the cowards. 50 years from now, no one will remember their names.

Dregan said...

Amen! Preach on, brother Dog!

Seriously, though. What happens when they stage a mugging or something similar (they've done it in the past) and they pull this on a CCW holder, or an off-duty LEO? Bang bang.

How fast does the producer, director, camera crew and the CCW holder "victem" get sued by the actor's family/friends/sheep?

This country isn't going to hell in a handbasket. It's already there, and the basket burned up a loooooong time ago.

Kimberly said...

My question for the female is why didn't she grab hold of the driver's family jewels until he pulled the heck over.

It frightens me how whining and snivelling have become national pasttimes.

Anonymous said...

Yes, that complaint has been issued in every civilization through history. However, please note that every one of those civilizations fell. It's just that history's timeline exceeds man's attention span.

Cheryl Howard said...

Anything resembling the failed rocket story would be welcome by me in volumes. I cannot even repeat the story without losing it into hysterics. Thank god for links.

Cybrludite said...

I've actually considered getting together with some friends and making a spoof of one of these "Jump out and yell BOO!" bits where the "victim" throws down on the person doing the scare, then post it to the web as a "suppressed outtake".

Calico Jack said...

Dog, it's TV. Don't confuse it with reality. All the contestents are screened, and all give permission for their pix to be used.

There was a similar reality show some time back called "caught red handed" or some such. The point was that if you thought your spouse or SO was cheating on you, the show paid for a gumshoe to get the goods on the cheating spouse, but only if you would allow them to film the confrontation.

Armed bodyguards were featured in more than one episode during the confrontation segment. I don't think the show lasted long, maybe eight episodes all told.

Next to Last Samurai said...

What a stupid stunt. If they'd pulled it on me, I, not knowing it was a stunt, might have attempted to kill the driver and might even have managed to do it. Then what? I think this sort of thing should be illegal.

Anonymous said...

When I saw this, I thought, hmm, what would happen if this stunt was pulled on my husband or I or even one of our friends. I could not think of a scenario where the "prankster" would have come out well. Needless to say, no one of our aquaintance would think of pulling a prank like this because of the severe danger to the prankster. So you see this is rather self selecting. It is a shame there are sheep like this out there, but this show can by no means be representative.