Got some reader feedback concerning the story about Pearl and the steaks; seems some folks find it a little difficult to believe that critters are actually that stupid.
I'm here to tell you that plan of Pearl's was rocket science compared to some stunts I've seen pulled.
When I got into peace officering, I had dreams of matching wits with the kinds of Bad Guys that I'd seen on Monday Night crime stories. I thought the standard cunning, crafty, and devious critter as portrayed by Hollywood was the norm.
I even had some doubts that I'd be up to the task of matching some of these criminal masterminds.
There is a theory going around that criminals commit crimes because they are too lazy to earn an honest living.
I hate to break the news to you, but near as I can tell the Mark 1, Mod 0 Critter (Generic) commits crimes because he is too damned dumb to do honest work.
Those faces you see every week on America's Dumbest Criminals are not the dumbest criminals -- they're your normal everyday Standard-Issue criminals.
My paw to God -- you can ask Reno about this -- in our jail at this moment we have a critter who just wrote a letter to the Prosecution's Main Witness against him. In this letter, the critter has gone into graphic detail about the retribution he will visit upon the witness if said witness testifies against him.
He then wrote that the witness could go ahead and tell the police about the threats, because it would be the witnesses word against the word of the critter, and the critter would deny ever having threatened the witness.
He then signed the letter, dropped it into an envelope, licked-and-sealed the envelope, hand-addressed the envelope to the witness and personally handed it to the mail officer.
In my county, anyone who has been arrested for a class 'B' misdemeanor or higher must go through what is called 'magistration'. That is where a judge tells the subject what he or she has been arrested for, reads them their rights and sets a bond.
We recently started using a video set-up to do this -- the inmates sit in a room with a camera and a TeeVee and talk to a judge in another building with his own camera and TeeVee.
These cameras and microphones are connected to a DVD recorder which is always on.
Reno and I tell these people to keep their mouths shut. We inform them of their right to remain silent, we inform them that they are being recorded, and we inform them -- firmly -- that the DVDs can be sub poena'd by anyone.
After all that, we still get critters who stand up and say things like:
"Officer 'Dawg, how can they charge me with distribution when I was only holding a couple of pounds of weed?"
"Don't worry, bro, they ain't got [deleted]. I hid the [insert description of stolen goods here] in Big Poomba's storage, and the Task Force will never think to look there!"
"Officer Reno, do you think the judge would give me a PR Bond? I didn't really mean to hit anyone when I was shooting up the house, I was just trying to scare the folks inside."
We've got a dealer who's sold meth to the same undercover officer driving the same vehicle six times in a row. Which isn't so bad, except that the last time the dealer walked up to the truck, he says "Hey! I know you! You busted me before!"
To which the undercover cop responds, "Yeah, but I didn't mean it."
Critter pouts, "Man, you really hurt me with some of those things you said when you testified against me the last time."
Cop says, "Hey, man, sorry about that, but you know my bosses -- they get kind of single-minded about this kind of thing. Got twenty dollars worth?"
Critter digs around his BVDs, "Yeah, hang on. Here you go ... oh, [deleted] you're going to bust me again, aren't you?"
I swear to Shiva sometimes I think the State of Texas needs a "Not Guilty By Reason of Stupidity" verdict.
Oh, well, if they were smart, I'd be out of a job.