Friday, September 22, 2006

Small town trivia

One of the things that big city folks don't quite understand, is that the local peace officers know all about your social habits.

We know who belongs to which car, we know which house each car belongs to and we know which house everyone lives in.

We know which houses have college kids living in them for the semester. We know which house belongs to the local courtesan, which one has the weed, where to find the facilitator of item relocation, and the domiciles of the folks that are liable to shoot first and question after the sun comes up.

And, one of the lesser-known parts of being a small town peace officer is the fact that we develop a ... thorough ... knowledge of the local alleys.

Since we aren't exactly gormless, if a car belonging to a forty-something-year-old married man starts winding up being parked in the alley behind a house whose only occupant is a 20-year-old college co-ed, we get a glimmer of a notion concerning what is probably going on.

If we find the above car parked in the above alley behind the above house three nights a week past four-in-the-A-M, we know exactly what's going on.

Now, some folks would opine that peace officers don't go spreading this information because of some Peace Officer Code of Honour, or some silly-arsed notion about being Guardians of The Public Trust, innate sense of fair play, or other bushwa.

Horse feathers.

The reason we don't jump up on a table at the local feed trough and tell the entire town that you're playing pat-and-tickle with a girl the same age as your eldest daughter, is that we're the ones who are going to have to clean up that mess.

And that mess is probably going to require paperwork. Overtime. People going to jail. Depositions. Might wind up under the attention of a Grand Jury. General hate and discontent to spare, that sort of thing.

That is why we don't blab everything we know: we're lazy and we don't want to deal with the extra work.

Just wanted to get that off my chest.


What else do we have ...


In other small town news, the preachermullah of the local Shi'a Baptist Church has apologized profusely to my mother regarding the existence of a "Lost List", promised to diligently work to ensure that this sort of behavior not ever happen under his stewardship again, and swore that Mom's name wouldn't ever wind up anywhere near any of the lists that his congregation wouldn't ever be publishing again.


Now, that was a downright neighborly and honourable thing to do, don't y'all think?


LawDog

12 comments:

DiamondMair said...

Dunno if y'all heard up there in Yankeeland, but here in Houston, one of Houston's finest, a man respected & liked by all who have spoken, good husband & father of 5, was shot & killed last night on a traffic stop.
The critter who shot him is a previously-arrested, -convicted, -sentenced, -deported illegal alien - one of the previous arrests was for child molestation .................... between that & the case in Colorado this week, you think maybe folks will get a clue, & SECURE THE DAMN BORDER?!?!?

Anonymous said...

How long did you have to hold his head underwater in the baptismal font to restore the shia' baptist to such an understanding condition?

Anonymous said...

That was downright righteous of him...giving after-hours religous instruction to the coed was mighty selfless too.

Hoozyrdady said...

Muahahaha!

Wooooh... I like your style.

let me move my car...

Hooz.

Sparky said...

Having read your stories about Africa and your mother's reaction to life's little irritations, I have no doubt she can be *formidable* when she has her dander up.

Any bets the preacher thought he was going to see his Lord and Saviour up close and personal RSN until his survival (and groveling) instincts kicked in.

ben said...

Course you won't affirm or deny but that rascal preacher was seeing that coed at all hours of the night? wonder who his wife was seeing? only positive thing I see is he at least was leaving young boys along.

G Bro said...

Now y'all are jumping to conclusions! LawDog was just relating two unconnected stories on an otherwise slow news day.

(Heh heh heh!)

Cybrludite said...

My condolances to both your city and especially to the family of the fallen. (And I hope it's not too gauche of me to express my relief that it wasn't one of my former neighbors here in The Chocolate City who committed the murder)

Back to the topic at hand, I'm a bit confused. Surely there's no connection between this middle-aged Lothario and the Mullah of the Shia Baptists sudden change of heart? Why, that would imply a letter or message of an ebon hue... "Fury of the Norsemen", indeed. Bwah-hahahaha!

Cybrludite said...

My condolances to both your city and especially to the family of the fallen. (And I hope it's not too gauche of me to express my relief that it wasn't one of my former neighbors here in The Chocolate City who committed the murder)

Back to the topic at hand, I'm a bit confused. Surely there's no connection between this middle-aged Lothario and the Mullah of the Shia Baptists sudden change of heart? Why, that would imply a letter or message of an ebon hue... "Fury of the Norsemen", indeed. Bwah-hahahaha!

Kiki B. said...

"Since we aren't exactly gormless, if a car belonging to a forty-something-year-old married man starts winding up being parked in the alley behind a house whose only occupant is a 20-year-old college co-ed, we get a glimmer of a notion concerning what is probably going on."

He's tutoring her in Algebra, or is it Anatomy??

Kiki B. said...

Shoot! My dad was a Baptist Pastor for many years before his untimely death. I have it on good authority, too, that he had an affair with both the Church's organ player, as well as the Children's Sunday School Teacher.

mediageek said...

"Shoot! My dad was a Baptist Pastor for many years before his untimely death. I have it on good authority, too, that he had an affair with both the Church's organ player..."

Now there's a joke that just writes its own punchline.