Friday, November 24, 2006

Black Friday

Well, I've got enough L-tryptophan coursing through my blood to give half the Red Army narcolepsy (yes, I realize that there isn't enough tryptophan in turkey meat to produce drowsiness -- hyperbole is an honoured part of story-telling), but it sure seems like I'm the only drowsy person in North Texas.

When my legions of flying monkeys complete my Quest for World Domination, one of my first edicts is going to involve the aerial spraying of Prozac on the day after Thanksgiving.

I mock thee not, the Best Buy store in the nearest big city had their parking lot fill up a full four hours before the store was due to open. And there were folks doing laps hoping for a slot to open up. And you don't even want to know what the mall parking lot looked like.

Great Googly-Moogly! Are the deals and sales really that good? Jolly well looks like a rugby scrum out there.

Thank Goddess for the Internet and gift cards. For us rabid introverts, it is nothing less than a blessing to be able to hit Amazon.com, Cabelas.com, BarnesandNoble.com and such-like from the comfort of a warm --
quiet -- computer nook, order various thoughtful things and have some other poor sod dare holiday traffic to bring my gift goodies to my door.

For those folks that I can't find the perfect gift for, I plan on taking a deep breath and dashing through the crowds long enough to snatch up a hand-full of various gift cards -- later. When things are a bit calmer.

No muss, no fuss. Well, not much anyway.

On the professional front, the critters did not let me down this Thanksgiving: Yes, Gentle Readers -- someone showed up at the ER with a dinner fork impaled in some part of their anatomy. This makes, what? Three Thanksgivings in a row?

*sigh*

Another enterprising Young Gentleman attempted to set a World Critter Record for Most Charges Stemming From A Single Incident On Thanksgiving -- he managed to wind up with 13 (thirteen) felonies and enthusiastic misdemeanors to begin his Holiday Season right properly.

13 doesn't break the record, but it does tend to say volumes about the wisdom of snorting half-a-baggie of meth as a way to cope with your annoying brother-in-law.

Of course, as per usual, the local doors started developing hands and knuckles -- co-incidentally enough at what would be cheek-high for the lady of the house.

Has, "He didn't hit me; I walked into the door"
ever worked?

Oh, and just as a minor point, if your entire family is going to lie to the Nice Officer about how your Mrs. wound up with that shiner, it might behoove you to settle on one solid lie before the afore-mentioned Nice Officer gets there.

Nothing guarantees an arrest quite like Nice Officer asking, "How'd she wind up with that black eye" and hearing:

"She walked into the door."

"She fell down the steps."

"She slipped in the bathtub."


All at the same time.

Trust me. When this happens, Somebody is Going To Jail.

Oh, well. If they were smart, I wouldn't have a job.

LawDog

13 comments:

Phoenix Ravenflame said...

"Oh, well. If they were smart, I wouldn't have a job."

I was complaining about stupid people while chopping fruit for the fruit salad (angry woman plus sharp knife...) and my dad said, "But they give me job security!" I've gotta be honest... I'd rather see an unemployment line full of cops than a world with stupid people roaming loose.

HollyB said...

LawDog, as long as you can tell a good story, YOU will never be unemployed!
Storytellers have, as you well know, a long history of being fed and boarded for their ability to entertain. They even pick up some coin of the realm on occasion, So fearnot, you will be employed.

Rabbit said...

I stay away from shopping arenas on Black Friday. I was absolutely speechless this morning when I went downstairs at my mother's house and found, over my first cup of coffee, that she, her husband, and her husband's punkgoth grandchild were just returning from an 0430 mission to search for some useless overpriced trinket called an idog. My mother. Who hates shopping at any time. At a big box store, in line.

The last, and only time I ventured near the agora on that day was when I had a litter of cute, adorable Spitz puppies to foist upon an unknowing public. I parked the pickup on the grassy knoll beside the already filling parking lot, put the puppies in the back and dropped the tailgate. Two hours later, less 5 puppies at a mere $300 a pop I had released infant killbots who appeared to have a smile like the very spirit of Christmas on their little fuzzy white muzzles.

Like huntin' over a baited field, I tell ya.

Regards,
Rabbit.

Draven said...

Lawdog,

I got a $950 laptop for $550. Its perfect for work use...

YMMV.

Tim Covington said...

Lawdog, there is another option for gift card purchases for residents of North Texas. Both Kroger and 7-11 carry major retailer gift cards. I know Kroger has Bass Pro gift cards.

Anonymous said...

I saw people lined up here in Kansas at 7pm on Thanksiving outside the local big box store, and by 0645 Friday (when I get my groceries) the first wave had washed in and out of W-Mart.

Anonymous said...

I wandered into a mall about 3 years back to see what all the fuss was about.

Not an experience to forget.

Rugby is actually more civilized compared to some of the behavior I saw. At least they penalize you for body-checking rug rats in rugby.

Since then, my family and I try to stay home and not spend money whatsoever (on anything but the utilities, anyway) on Thanksgiving weekend.

- ISU Tinkerer

Graumagus said...

I fully planned to not move a muscle on Black Friday.

Then my buddy called me and said Dicks sporting goods was having a "Buy one, get one at 50% off sale" on ammo.

Couldn't pass that up.

Nathaniel Firethorn said...

Does anyone else think that hanging around in a parking lot at dark-thirty to indulge in orgies of sport shopping (immediately following orgies of overconsumption) has little to do with the spirit of the occasion?

- NF

BryanP said...

For the first time in my life I attempted to go out on Friday AM after Thanksgiving. There was a monitor on sale at Best Buy I really wanted. Stood in line, didn't get it.

Oh, and I may know the only person in the world who really did trip and get a shiner when she smacked into a door. We have witnesses.

It was fun at work the next week. She kept getting told "Honey, you don't have to put up with that."

"No, you don't understand. I really DID hit a door."

No, not my wife. But she and her husband are both good friends of me and my wife. If you knew them you'd know that even the concept of him hitting her is so far beyond the bounds of likelihood it's ludicrous.

These days it's just a running joke and a favorite story to truck out.

Anonymous said...

I dunno, LawDog, kid's school called DFACS (local family/child protective services) after wife managed to slip on the garage stairs and give herself both a concussion and a sprained ankle, and the kid had a few bruises she didn't remember getting (including some she got AT SCHOOL). The investigator was curious as to why our kid had to spend the night with a neighbor when wife was taken to the ER - until he was told that the 911 operator had to call me and tell me my wife was hurt and which hospital she was going to... At that point, he started to believe that my wife was just THAT much of a klutz. About a year later, she broke her ankle rushing down the same set of stairs... Only person I know who can sprain her ankle standing in the kitchen cooking dinner...

karla (threadbndr) said...

err, widow here, living alone. Still managed to get a lump on the noggin this weekend. (Note to self - put the box with the HEAVY decorations on the BOTTOM shelf when you put them away this year!!)

But yeah, three different stories is..... not good. Walt (like most cops, I think) always HATED domestics, but I always got a good hug when he got off shift and a 'thanks for not being like that, honey'.

KCSteve said...

The ever-indulgent wife and I were up in South Dakota visiting relatives. Best Buy had some items that were worth getting up early for. Being from KC we wanted to watch the Chiefs / Broncos game so we had to set up in a sports bar that happened to be near a Best Buy. When we left at 10:30PM on Thursday the line wrapped across the front of the store and all the way to the back - possibly further. Decided not to bother getting up early.

And my sister once broke her nose when she ran into a tree. People would ask her what happened and she'd say "I hit a tree". They'd ask about her car and then be confused when she said she hadn't been in her car. Short version: she was at a park with a friend's young daughter at dusk playing 'soccer'. Ball went past a tree. Six-year old went past tree. Sister almost went past the tree - failure was due to a branch sticking out about nose high.