Friday, November 10, 2006

Old political humour

I wrote this bit back in 2001 after being challenged as to what I would do if I were elected President.

I think it's probably time for a bit of political humour to leaven the doom-and-gloom, so I dusted it off and updated it a bit.

Enjoy!

What would I do if I were elected as President?

First thing, right after the swearing-in, I'd write my first, last and only Executive Order -- nullifying any and all previous Executive Orders issued by any President.

Which would result in the historical, first truly bi-partisan Congress -- Democrats and Republicans united together against anything President 'Dog would try to do from that point on.

Second, I'd call the head of each office which reports to the Executive Branch and tell them to send me a memo detailing where, exactly, in the Constitution their offices are authorized.

In the rare instance that the office is actually authorized by the Constitution, I'd request a set of reasons and examples of why that particular person should keep his or her job.

Said memo should be on my desk by noon that day. Resignations would be freely accepted in lieu of the memos.

Democrats and Republicans would set a record for filing impeachment measures.

After lunch, I'd give a press conference and announce that each and every bill to cross my desk would detail exactly where the Constitutional authorization for that bill is located. Any bill without such accompanying authorization would be immediately vetoed -- no matter what the topic of the bill. Any bill mentioning the Interstate Commerce Clause would be automatically vetoed without even a reading.

67% percent of the Senate would immediately crater my vetos.

The Media would turn my name into a synonym for Stalin, George III and Pol Pot.

I'd follow up by ordering the Attorney General to bring a copy of any and all tax records concerning the UN building and UN personnel to my office. Along with a copy of Kelo v. New London.

People in major urban areas would riot.

I'd spend the evening tearing out the White House swimming pool and installing a gun range.

The next morning, Congress would issue a joint condemnation of my first day in office and the Media would hint broadly at lynch mobs.

While they were doing this, my Attorney General would be filing eminent domain proceedings against the UN.

Since I like to copper my bets, I'd draw an advance on my first months paycheck, buy a truckload of dynamite and order the Commandant of the Marine Corp to de-infestate the UN building.

While the Marines are chucking UN politicos off the pier, I'd be personally setting charges in the UN basement.

At lunchtime, I'd have a cheeseburger and fries and watch the UN building go up like a Roman candle.

John Kerry would issue a press release calling my sanity into question and offering to be President pro tem until mental health professionals could examine President Dog.

Letting the power go to my head, I'd invite Scarlett Johannson to the White House and offer to show her my guns if she'd show me hers.

Getting thoroughly shot down by pro-Democrat Miss Johansson, I'd go down to the DC PD, and inform the Chief of Police that no anti-gun laws would be enforced in the District of Columbia. Then I'd have the Secret Service break his knees until he saw the light, and I got over my heartbreak.

CNN would issue me my very own background graphic, complete with catchy tune.

The next morning I'd read about two of the new bills to cross my desk, set fire to the rest of them, load up a shotgun and two 1911's, head over to Congress and offer to shoot the next sumbitch who authors another blatantly unConstitutional bill.

Afterwards, I'd break ground and dedicate the President LawDog Free Trade Port -- coincidentally located on the spot formerly occupied by the UN building.

The Media would go into a collective fit of apoplexy, the President of France would faint and I'd have more shrieking harpies on the front lawn than camels got fleas.

The afternoon of Day Three of The LawDog Presidency, I'd call a press conference/skeet shoot in the Rose Garden. I foresee it going something like this:

"Mr. President! Mr. President! What gives you the right to veto bills that contradict the Constitution?!"

"Pull!"

BAM! "Aiii-iiiieeeee!"

"Quitcherwhining. Stupidity is supposed to hurt. Didn't even break the skin. Much. Next question?"

I anticipate a short conference.

That evening I'll amuse myself by sending a novelty rubber check and a hangman's noose to each member of Congress -- just to get their minds properly focused.

I figure by 0900 on Day Four, I'll be hot-wiring the Presidential Yacht about 20 minutes ahead of a rampaging patchouli-and-hemp-wearing torch-waving mob. My last act as POTUS will probably be shaking my fist at Washington, D.C. from the stern of the afore-mentioned rapidly-departing yacht whilst bellowing: "You didn't deserve me!"

Oh, well.

LawDog

33 comments:

The Student Shooter said...

Sounds like you would actually be the first president worth his salt since Thomas Jefferson himself.

Would Ronnie Barrett be your vice president or secretary of defense?

Anonymous said...

Thanks LawDog, I'd vote for you. Ronnie Barrett would be Secretary of WAR!

Anonymous said...

You would have my vote, if for no other reason then the fact that you wouldn't pamper the media or the members of congress.

garys said...

Thanks. That cheered me up.

Anonymous said...

That's pretty good!!! I agree too.

If Ronnie Barrett's SecDef, you don't sail away in the face of that torch-waving mob.

Does this mean we wouldn't have the NFA 1934, GCA 1968, and that other one from 1986?

mustanger98 on THR

KBCraig said...

LawDog in '08!

Perhaps Ron Paul as your running mate? No, wait... can't be from the same state. Perhaps we'll have Michael Badnarik moved to New Hampshire by then; a perfect match!

Anonymous said...

Well, if the candidates truly suck in 2008 and I can't vote for the lesser of two evils, I'm definately writing you in my ballot.

Jalexander said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the laughs. You have my vote.

James

cait said...

Sorry, but I have no clue who Ronnie Barrett is - will someone let me know who this is? Evidently he/she is exceptional.

Lawdy mercy, LD - you brightened my day considerably - as always.

Special thanks go out to our Vets who frequent this blog. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your service.

Cheers!
Cait

Anonymous said...

Ronnie Barrett is the founder of Barrett Firearms, makers of some very impressive sniper rifles now employed in Iraq. The .50 BMG is a civilian version. Just in case you don't know, that is a .50 cal. firearm.

Oldfart said...

I guess many of us have had thought like those. Would that we could....
On another note: You've got at least two (The Pink Gorilla and The Stash) stories awaiting endings. Not only that, but there must be several thousand readers also awaiting said endings. You may not have to become President to have lynch mobs coming after you.

Ratus said...

Uh, Mr. Lawdog,

I don’t think the White House has a pool anymore.

I believe they filled it in to make it the press room.

kateykakes said...

LawDog for Prez!

Larry said...

Constitutional limits? Enforcing the laws? Requiring PROOF? Whaddaya mean the Preamble isn't Constitutional authority? You have obviously lost your mind.
You got my vote.

Leo Green said...

This lefty liberal would vote for President Lawdog if he did what he outlined above.

Even though I don't necessarily agree with everything you write, I can't argue against anything here! I can't wait to write your name on the ballot!

Oxanna said...

Hear, hear! But someone *really* should run on a platform dedicated strictly to destroying old laws. They'd get votes by the million!

cait said...

Anonymous: Thanks for the info. I'm not a shooter or gun enthusiast but I do appreciate a well manufactured, well aimed and well used firearm - tis a thing of beauty. Appreciate the info and kind reply.

Cheers,
Cait

Anonymous said...

"The .50 BMG is a civilian version. Just in case you don't know, that is a .50 cal. firearm."

Actually, .50BMG is the .50caliber Browning Machine Gun round. Barrett, to my understanding, offers several models of crankbolt and semi-automatic rifles chambered for the .50BMG round. From what I see on the website, they have versions for civilian (private citizen) sales as well as law enforcement and military.

http://www.barrettrifles.com/

mustanger98 on THR

PubliusCicero said...

It bothers me that another man can make me giggle like a schoolgirl (howdya like THAT mental image folks), but dammit that was funny.

That's IT, Lawdog, you ARE running for Prez in '08, even if I personally have to conduct a nation-wide letter writing campaign.

Cybrludite said...

Nah, Tony Stark for SECDEF.

Anonymous said...

I've found my write-in vote for the next presidential election.

HollyB said...

Oh, Yeah, LawDog '08, how about your Mam for Sec State? I nominate that guy who runs the Heart Attack Grill for White House Chef.
I would proudly put your bumper sticker on my new rag top!

Anonymous said...

Lawdog I have shown your blog to everone I know and they all love it.

I think that your plan to cut fat and slim down our government is stellar. I have 4 concerns

1 Highway system
2 funding for the army
3 tax cuts
4 National speed limit

1 how do you plan on maintaining our roads?

2 Its been a while since I read the constitution (last time I did it was before I swore in) but I know it provides for the common defence does this include a border gaurd?

3 Since we would be fireing alot of people is there anyway I can get the gov to stop taking 40% of my check? (or more im just talkin withholding and sales not to mention gasoline tax and all that)

4 can we get a bump to 85/90 on the speed limit pls?

you answer those 4 and I would serriously consider giving my vote to you rather then McCain (shudder)

I think that we have too many laws that were never taken off the books because people were too concerned with making new laws. Never understood that. Anyway the USC needs a good going over and I think your the man to do it.

Later,
Scott

Anonymous said...

You know, if you ever lost your carefully preserved anonymity, I can foresee a very active "draft Lawdog for President" campaign.

Just one Executive Order, though, please... We need one decreeing that each citizen between 18 and 65 be issued either an M-14 or M-4 (his or her choice) to be kept and maintained with 200rds of ammunition and practiced with at least twice yearly.

Rorschach said...

Lawdog for POTUS! Where do I sign the pettition?

Bob said...

Good grief, LD, I've read this I don't know how many times now and it's a good thing my stitches are out and the incision is healed, because if not, I'd have split it all!!

Run in 2008 and you've got my vote! Better yet, come on over to Florida and start at state level if you prefer. I feel a write-in coming on if the choices are what I think they wiil be...

You've got coffee and doughnut of choice ;-) waiting anytime you head this way, as LD or POTUS, makes no difference. I suppose they would consider the flags as a "marked vehicle" and wouldn't ticket your limo for parking on the street in the community.

Anonymous said...

Dog,

Not only would you get my vote, but my vote 4 years later! BTW, I got your back as you are sprinting for the yacht.......

Steve

Matt G said...

"Does this mean we wouldn't have the NFA 1934, GCA 1968, and that other one from 1986?" asked mustanger98.

Alas!

LawDog could not unilaterally make those two dispicable pieces of legislation go away-- they were, unfortunately, acts of Congress. He could order that the D.O.J. would no longer prosecute "violations" of them, but he couldn't actually take the laws of the books. Prez L.D. would be rather... er... rabid about following the Constitution.

:)

L.D.-- I had somehow missed this entry before we talked yesterday.

Anonymous said...

Scott sez: "I think that we have too many laws that were never taken off the books because people were too concerned with making new laws."

So, how about a constitutional amendment (two steps).

1) ANY law congress passes expires after 5 years. Aforementioned law may, after its first expiration, be renewed for ten years. If, after the ten-year renewal, the law is STILL found to be "good" it may be renewed every twenty years.

2) All existing laws passed by congress shall be expired (unless renewed for ten years) over a ten-year period: Any law made effective in a year ending in "1" expires this year; ending in "2" next year, and so on up to years ending in "0" ten years from now.

Our congress-critters will be so busy doing maintenance, they won't have time to get in trouble.

Just a thought...

Peet (who DESPISES his Mass. Congress-critters)

Anonymous said...

You've got my vote.

Kristopher said...

Heh. That would put the fox in the chicken house.

Teddy Roosevelt's executive order was responsible for the seizure of un-claimed lands for the Forest Service ... putting those lands back under the Homestead Act seems like a fine idea to me.

phlegmfatale said...

Well, I'm writing you in in about 23 months and 3 weeks.

lilbiter-rants said...

Is anyone else reminded of President Andrew Jackson?