This event happened about four years ago. I ran across my write-up of it in the archives of one of the on-line forums I haunt.
I anonymized it a bit and tightened up the writing some.
My fair city wound up with a Gentleman who made it known to one and all that he was a retired Navy Squeal -- sorry, SEAL -- and in-between the hair-raising tales of his exploits, he became acquainted with a family that lived north of town.
This family consisted of Pa, Ma and Junior. Well, Junior came to college age -- and as Young Adults will -- decided he really needed to leave the nest and spread his wings in the Great Wide World.
Well, Ma and Pa (Ma mostly, truth be told) weren't real sure about letting the last of their brood -- the baby of the family -- out on his ownsome. Somehow -- details are a bit sketchy -- Squeal found out about the reservations Ma had concerning her Baby Boy, and he offered a compromise: Squeal declared that he needed a room-mate to help with bills, and -- being an elder Wise In The Ways Of The World -- he'd quietly make sure Junior stayed out of Major Trouble.
Junior was advised of this -- probably minus the part about baby-sitting, if I were to guess -- Junior was agreeable and moves in.
Happens every day.
Pretty soon friends of Junior start asking him if there might be a little something he might want to tell them. Junior is confused. Friends state that no matter what, they're there for him. Junior has no idea what they're talking about. Friends advise Junior that He Doesn't Need To Be Ashamed, It Doesn't Change Anything. Junior finally declares that if someone doesn't start speaking in Plain English, he's going to start a wall-to-wall counseling session.
Friends tell Junior that Squeal has told them that Squeal and Junior are lovers. Junior packs up and moves back to Ma and Pa's house that afternoon.
Squeal, finding an empty apartment, starts calling around and ends up calling Ma and Pa's house, enquiring (with great befuddlement) as to the reason for Junior vacating the apartment.
Junior mentions multiple friends relaying the supposed romantic union betwixt him and the Squeal, to which Squeal expresses great amazement as to the lengths people would go to concoct lies.
Junior says that Squeal needs to stay the hell away from him.
At this point, Squeal begins a pattern of stalking: driving by Ma and Pa's farmhouse out in the boonies, parking on the shoulder of the road at the far end of the drive-way, calling the phone at odd hours, calling and hanging up; that kind of thing. All of which culminates in an extended session with Budweiser and Mr. Beam, the result of which is the Squeal up on the front porch of Ma and Pa's farmhouse -- at zero-dark-hundred -- screaming that Ma and Pa have poisoned his lover's mind against him.
Junior yells down from the upstairs window that Squeal needs to disappear, adding (for the extra punch) that Juniors new girlfriend should be out to the house soon, and that he doesn't want the Squeal to annoy her.
Squeal is winding up for a full-on berserker rage, when Pa (USMC, Vietnam) produces a 12-gauge and firmly suggests that the Squeal depart the premises/go have sex with himself.
Squeal draws himself up to his full, impressive height, stares down the muzzle of the 12 gauge, and pronounces:
"You just made the last mistake of your life. Nobody points a gun at me."
Now, not only am I one wierd puppy, but I seem to hang around with some equally disturbed people, because those have to be the single funniest set of last words any of us have ever heard of.
Pa, of course, immediately slaps the trigger on his Remington 1100 three times, pretty much launching Squeal right into that Great Recruiting Depot in the Sky, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
Responding deputies handed Pa a receipt for the shotgun, told him the Grand Jury would probably be in touch and carted off the mortal remains of Squeal.
Two weeks later, the Grand Jury No-Billed Pa.
What do we learn from this little episode?
When someone is pointing a twelve-gauge shotgun at your brisket, it might not be amiss to treat their every word like a Commandment straight from the lips of God.
At least until you can get behind cover.