Monday, January 22, 2007

Jim Beam's got your back. Waa-aaay back.

This event happened about four years ago. I ran across my write-up of it in the archives of one of the on-line forums I haunt.

I anonymized it a bit and tightened up the writing some.

My fair city wound up with a Gentleman who made it known to one and all that he was a retired Navy Squeal -- sorry, SEAL -- and in-between the hair-raising tales of his exploits, he became acquainted with a family that lived north of town.

This family consisted of Pa, Ma and Junior. Well, Junior came to college age -- and as Young Adults will -- decided he really needed to leave the nest and spread his wings in the Great Wide World.

Well, Ma and Pa (Ma mostly, truth be told) weren't real sure about letting the last of their brood -- the baby of the family -- out on his ownsome. Somehow -- details are a bit sketchy -- Squeal found out about the reservations Ma had concerning her Baby Boy, and he offered a compromise: Squeal declared that he needed a room-mate to help with bills, and -- being an elder Wise In The Ways Of The World -- he'd quietly make sure Junior stayed out of Major Trouble.

Junior was advised of this -- probably minus the part about baby-sitting, if I were to guess -- Junior was agreeable and moves in.

Happens every day.

Pretty soon friends of Junior start asking him if there might be a little something he might want to tell them. Junior is confused. Friends state that no matter what, they're there for him. Junior has no idea what they're talking about. Friends advise Junior that He Doesn't Need To Be Ashamed, It Doesn't Change Anything. Junior finally declares that if someone doesn't start speaking in Plain English, he's going to start a wall-to-wall counseling session.

Friends tell Junior that Squeal has told them that Squeal and Junior are lovers. Junior packs up and moves back to Ma and Pa's house that afternoon.

Squeal, finding an empty apartment, starts calling around and ends up calling Ma and Pa's house, enquiring (with great befuddlement) as to the reason for Junior vacating the apartment.

Junior mentions multiple friends relaying the supposed romantic union betwixt him and the Squeal, to which Squeal expresses great amazement as to the lengths people would go to concoct lies.

Junior says that Squeal needs to stay the hell away from him.

At this point, Squeal begins a pattern of stalking: driving by Ma and Pa's farmhouse out in the boonies, parking on the shoulder of the road at the far end of the drive-way, calling the phone at odd hours, calling and hanging up; that kind of thing. All of which culminates in an extended session with Budweiser and Mr. Beam, the result of which is the Squeal up on the front porch of Ma and Pa's farmhouse -- at zero-dark-hundred -- screaming that Ma and Pa have poisoned his lover's mind against him.

Junior yells down from the upstairs window that Squeal needs to disappear, adding (for the extra punch) that Juniors new girlfriend should be out to the house soon, and that he doesn't want the Squeal to annoy her.

Ouch.

Squeal is winding up for a full-on berserker rage, when Pa (USMC, Vietnam) produces a 12-gauge and firmly suggests that the Squeal depart the premises/go have sex with himself.


Squeal draws himself up to his full, impressive height, stares down the muzzle of the 12 gauge, and pronounces:

"You just made the last mistake of your life. Nobody points a gun at me."


Now, not only am I one wierd puppy, but I seem to hang around with some equally disturbed people, because those have to be the single funniest set of last words any of us have ever heard of.

Pa, of course, immediately slaps the trigger on his Remington 1100 three times, pretty much launching Squeal right into that Great Recruiting Depot in the Sky, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

Responding deputies handed Pa a receipt for the shotgun, told him the Grand Jury would probably be in touch and carted off the mortal remains of Squeal.

Two weeks later, the Grand Jury No-Billed Pa.

What do we learn from this little episode?

When someone is pointing a twelve-gauge shotgun at your brisket, it might not be amiss to treat their every word like a Commandment straight from the lips of God.

At least until you can get behind cover.


LawDog

19 comments:

hammer said...

Did pa get no billed? If so that is a story with a happy ending.

Anonymous said...

Other than the fact that "Squeal" was drunk off his caboose, I'm not sure Jim Beam (TM) had his back. I'd like to figure Col. Jim Beam wouldn't have had that guy's back either.

I'm tending to agree about it being good if pa got no billed. Squeal sounds like trouble from way back. I'm wondering how long a rap sheet he had.

mustanger98 on THR

reno said...

Yup, "Pa" was no billed and as far as I have heard there was nothing filed civilly either.

Anonymous said...

When someone is pointing a twelve-gauge shotgun at your brisket, it might not be amiss to treat their every word like a Commandment straight from the lips of God.

Sound advice indeed.

It's stories like this that make my wonder why there are still so many dumb people in the world today. You'd think they would have autodarwinated sometime in the past already. Hmm...I suppose there really is a sucker born every minute.

As they say -- all's well that ends well. Glad to know that this ended reasonably well for the good folks involved.

pdb said...

Beauty. I love a story with a happy ending.

I think I can hear my Remington 1100 chuckling happily to itself.

Anonymous said...

I hope pa got his shotgun back since it wouldn't be needed for court.

C. S. P. Schofield said...

You forgot to mention that the average IQ for the country jumped five points as the echoes from the shots died.

Three principles for living a longer life:

Don't argue with a shotgun.

Don't annoy an armed farmer.

Don't bluster at the parent of a child you have endangered.


Anybody ready to violate all three at once must have a negative IQ.

Anonymous said...

Yet another reason to shun a wannabe, just when you think they can't get any dumber, they up and prove you wrong. I know a few Seals and some SF types, all have great respect for serious types with guns.

Interesting though, the guys I know, will tell you a funny story, but generally nothing that would make a movie.

Anonymous said...

Pa and the folks on the Grasnd Jury sound like my kinda people.

Tom said...

Right up there with the famous last words "F*** You and Your Automatic Rifle!" from the Gary Fadden incident.

Rick T said...

And a reminder from Old Painless at The Box O Truth:
Cars, doors, and drywall are concealment not cover

Ulises from CA said...

Salute to Pa & his shotgun!

Don't mess with a Marine, especially one who's defending his family.

Mark@C said...

Tom beat me to it.

Another illustration of the fact that the will to be stupid is a powerful force.

Kimberly said...

Ranks up there with the critter two weeks ago that decided to lead local law enforcement here on a chase, crash the car they were in at a local business, and while attempting to flee on foot pull a shotgun and state their intent to kill the deputy pursuing them.

One left the scene in handcuffs, the other in a body bag. Fortunately no law enforcement personnel were injured by those two dolts.

Glad Pa should be getting his gun back.

Anonymous said...

I believe we have another Darwin Award contender!

- ISU Tinkerer

Anonymous said...

That story had everything! It had alcohol, a compulsive liar, and repressed sexuality, which equals comedy.

Now, if only it featured anarchists being dumb, it would be even more hilarious...

Simeron Steelhammer said...

Thankfully he was in Texas where that kind of thing is indeed, legal. The funniest thing along these lines I have seen was in the movie "Born on the 4th of July" (I think).

There is a Viet Vet with an uzi (or similar machine pistol/gun) with a LARGE clip in it he just visibly locked and loaded. The Assistant "pencil-neck government" fella that is "too full of himself" turns to one of his security guards and tells him "Go disarm that man".

To wit, the guard responds, "For $4.25 an hour? Hell no, I quit." and walks off.

Again, nuff said. heh.

Best advice I was taught about situations like this from my father....

"Son, when someone is pointing a gun at you, give them your undivided attention and pay heed to every single sound they utter, even if you are buttoned down and able to return fire. You might miss something rather important otherwise."

And yes, he was a WWII vet, brother a Viet Vet and I was an 80s vet that forunately saw no real combat. But I know far to many that have and do still see plenty.

Jeff Miller said...

Good show.

Making threats from the wrong side of a gun is a good way to Darwin.

Anonymous said...

Hack again?!