In the time-hallowed spirit of the holiday, I now offer these resolutions that I intend to keep for the New Year:
Internal Affairs is a vital part of Modern Law Enforcement -- therefore, I resolve to stop referring to the Internal Affairs officer as "Reichsfuhrer", and I further resolve to stop telling the newbies that he has a shrine to Heinrich Himmler in his office.
Understanding that the Media can be a form of checks-and-balances, I resolve to stop shrieking like a little girl and running every time I see a news camera, holding up crosses and yelling "Back!" to reporters; and sending coupons for discount exorcisms to the local news stations.
I further resolve to stop bellowing cryptic phrases in the background while the dispatcher is telling reporters over the phone that, "Nothing interesting is going on" and I solemnly resolve to stop sending news-people to non-existent "Command Posts" during incidents in the field.
In the matter of the morale of my fellow officers, I hereby resolve to stop changing the department computer screensavers to read: "Sometimes, it's the goats turn on top", I will stop referring to the "Uniform Allowance Fund" as the "Lube Fund" and I further resolve to stop telling the newbies that they can recognize our department-issued sidearms by "The nibble marks on the business end of the slides."
When it comes to superior officers, I resolve to stop grading new Department memos for grammar, spelling and punctuation -- or at least to stop using a red pen to do so. Failing that, I resolve not to send the graded memo back to the issuing officer.
I also resolve to stop sending any officer of higher rank than a Lieutenant to an imaginary "Command Post" during incidents-- see the resolutions for Media earlier.
I resolve to not use the phrases, "I'll be in the sodding bell tower if anyone cares"; "I wonder if CNN will have special music for me?" or "The voices really don't like you" around superior officers who may not have had time to get to know me yet.
Last, but not least -- I resolve to use proper radio technique. I will no longer use "8-codes", respond "5-2" instead of "10-4" when I only get half the message, and I will never, ever use the word "Duh!" for a response again.
Happy New Year!