Monday, January 01, 2007

New Years Resolutions

In the time-hallowed spirit of the holiday, I now offer these resolutions that I intend to keep for the New Year:

Internal Affairs is a vital part of Modern Law Enforcement -- therefore, I resolve to stop referring to the Internal Affairs officer as "Reichsfuhrer", and I further resolve to stop telling the newbies that he has a shrine to Heinrich Himmler in his office.

Understanding that the Media can be a form of checks-and-balances, I resolve to stop shrieking like a little girl and running every time I see a news camera, holding up crosses and yelling "Back!" to reporters; and sending coupons for discount exorcisms to the local news stations.

I further resolve to stop bellowing cryptic phrases in the background while the dispatcher is telling reporters over the phone that, "Nothing interesting is going on" and I solemnly resolve to stop sending news-people to non-existent "Command Posts" during incidents in the field.

In the matter of the morale of my fellow officers, I hereby resolve to stop changing the department computer screensavers to read: "Sometimes, it's the goats turn on top", I will stop referring to the "Uniform Allowance Fund" as the "Lube Fund" and I further resolve to stop telling the newbies that they can recognize our department-issued sidearms by "The nibble marks on the business end of the slides."

When it comes to superior officers, I resolve to stop grading new Department memos for grammar, spelling and punctuation -- or at least to stop using a red pen to do so. Failing that, I resolve not to send the graded memo back to the issuing officer.

I also resolve to stop sending any officer of higher rank than a Lieutenant to an imaginary "Command Post" during incidents-- see the resolutions for Media earlier.

I resolve to not use the phrases, "I'll be in the sodding bell tower if anyone cares"; "I wonder if CNN will have special music for me?" or "The voices really don't like you" around superior officers who may not have had time to get to know me yet.

Last, but not least -- I resolve to use proper radio technique. I will no longer use "8-codes", respond "5-2" instead of "10-4" when I only get half the message, and I will never, ever use the word "Duh!" for a response again.

Happy New Year!

LawDog

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sounds like it's going to be a boring year for your co-workers. Don't you feel obligated to continue finding ways to help them cope with those stressful days?

Or maybe you're working on another list of resolutions you will be implementing in an effort to provide entertainment?

Anonymous said...

Counting down until you break one of these: 10...9...8...7...

Happy New Year! Olde Force

Anonymous said...

Where do you get those coupons? I could use a few of those.

gmcraff said...

I agree with Flo, it sounds like you're letting the side down.

To compensate, you might want to adapt some items from the 213 things Skippy can't do in the Army list.

garys said...

Wow, those are some great ideas. Thanks.

Gary

Ulises from CA said...

I'll believe it when I see it.

AmbulanceDriver said...

LawDog, I'm gonna have to use the 5-2 one next shift...... :)

Anonymous said...

Dog...

Um...how does one become a dispatcher for your dep't? Aside from allegedly being out in BFE (Beyond Familiar Environs) it sounds like a fun place to work...

Anonymous said...

And I imagine these "resolutions" will be broken....by tomorrow? :D

TOO DERN funny, 'Dog!

hammer said...

Hehe, I don't see these resolutions lasting too long.

I like the nibble marks on the slide idea.

Will said...

Well, so far, I've been pretty carefull with my keyboard while reading your blog. However, I've decided to park a bottle of windex and rag next to my screen. When I reached the line about goats,I had to clean the screen to finish reading (again).

Kimberly said...

I'm glad I didn't have my morning coffee while reading this list.

Would have been all over the keyboard.

Happy New Year Lawdog

GarryLaun said...

Nibble marks on the slide.

Just got a picture of what the slide (front sight) would do to the front teeth, were one's teeth clamped enough to nibble, when the activation mechanism was depressed.

Ow.

Anonymous said...

Lawdog - you may have resolved this, but now I have a new list for my next recruit once he gets cut loose and starts to feel his oats....

thanks for giving me and my fellow midnighters some laughs as always.

Sean

Anonymous said...

Why do I get the feeling some officer of rank Lt. or higher did not take kindly to some or all of said actions, and wrote Lawdog up for them?

Anonymous said...

Garrylaun, trust me, the pain of the teeth being knocked out will not matter much when your brain stem is splattered all over the wall behind you.

Anonymous said...

Why do I get the feeling that "Skippy" is no longer a member of the US Armed Forces? or if he is, he is still an E-4 (or lower)

pax said...

Ah, but 'dawg, will you keep grading the memos on creativity and originality, at least?

Former JPO in Maricopa County said...

Urf! Were you my uniform partner at one time?

No, that was "Mikey" (of "give him to Mikey, he'll eat anything!).

Good times remembered!

Matt G said...

I recieved a stern memo from my lieutenant a few years back, commanding me to stop returning call sheets and memoranda to other officers and superiors with marks for grammatical errors.

I just barely resisted putting it back into his box with the three errors that I immediately found circled.