Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Murphy was a cop.

Bulletproof vests aren't.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick, and choke harder, too.

The speed at which you respond to a fight call is always the slowest legal speed. You want to arrive in time to arrest the winner and put the loser in an ambulance.

OC works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.

High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.

If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.

Placing your pistol back in a holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.

Flash hiders don't, nor do silencers.

If you have cleared all the rooms and met no resistance -- Congratulations: you kicked in the door of the wrong house.

If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.

Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).

If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, smile, because you are about to become a star on the Six O'Clock News.

Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.

When a citizen sees red-and-blue lights approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.

If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Sahara Desert, within five minutes someone is going to pull along side you and ask for directions.

You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.

Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.

On any call, there will always be more 'bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.

The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.

Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.

You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer".

The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or sub-poena'd on your day off.

If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one deputy in a beat car. If there is one biker"holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.

*sigh*

LawDog

9 comments:

GunnLaw said...

When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.

=====
If you are not running RED lights YOU ARE NOT AN EMERGENCY VEHICLE in the Great State of Texas.

ref. Texas Transportation Code section 547.702.

I think a red/blue and a white/red gives the best "wake up" factor and
with that combination there's always a red showing to the front and to the rear.

Hammer said...

All of my career placement tests said I should have pursued a law enforcement career.

Now I'm glad I stayed out of it.

WildFire said...

LawDog:

Very good post! Indeed, Murphy was a cop! Crazy, isn't it? The best thing about Murphy is that he is predictable. If anything can go wrong, it will!!

I know these things can get under your skin, but this post and the way you worked in the scenarios, made me laugh like crazy!! Thanks!

Lil said...

I'll never forget the time I called 911 because some drunken jerk half a block away was taking a baseball bat to the truck of the woman who'd just left him, and not 90 seconds after we reached a dispatcher, 3 police cars swooped in from 3 different directions all at once. It was like a law enforcement ballet. Highly impressive.

Maserati said...

I've seen a "blue ballet". Back some years in San Francisco I saw SFPD pull the neatest stop possible.

Me and friends were cruising up the middle lane of a 3-lane one-way street. A classic biker cruisers past us on the left. A block later a police car blew past us on the right. The bike was at a red light turning left (onto another one-way, this was no traffic stop) and we were far enough back that we hadn't started to slow yet when the cops cut in front of us. And the bike.

As the car stops, the driver pops out, blocking the bikes forward path with the door and a handy streetlight. He has one hand on either the handlebars or the suspect's right wrist and his nightstick is cocked back and ready to go. His partner has drawn his weapon and is covering the suspect across the car. As we drove off on the green light we saw the cops take a pistol off the bust-ee.

Elapsed time: almost nil.
Risk to officers: less

The suspect had absolutely no chance to resist or escape. It was over before the target knew he was being arrested. They even used us as cover for the final stage of the approach.

Textbook.

Jonathan said...

great post!

Anonymous said...

Law Dog,

Here is another axiom you can add to your list...."Never criticize your field sergeant until you walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when he gets mad, you'er a mile away and you have his shoes".

Marshal Ledspitter

Kiki B. said...

"If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Sahara Desert, within five minutes someone is going to pull along side you and ask for directions."

And from the citizen's point of view:

If you're in the same place in the Sahara Desert being robbed, mugged, etc., a cop will be nowhere in site. However, if you are driving 15mph over the speed limit in said place, you can count on greeting at least 1-2 of them.

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