Ladies and Gentlemen.
We here at The LawDog Files have a vested interest in the civil rights of everyone (actually, we have serious interest in not doing any more work than is strictly necessary) -- including critters.
In this spirit we would like provide these simple rules to surviving Your First Trip In Front Of The Judge.
1) Any legal advice you decide to follow should come from a lawyer. A quick tip here: if the name of the person giving you advice is anything along the lines of "8-Ball", "Animal", "Two-Step", or similar, then that person is probably not a lawyer.
Also, if the advice came from your Bestest Buddy in college, check and make sure your Bestest Buddy majored in Law.
And we should not have to mention that any legal advice given to you by a person who has yet to graduate High School should be taken with a large dose of salt.
2) It is never a bad idea to be polite. Nobody ever wound up with Contempt of Court charges for saying, "Sir", "Please", or "Your Honour". Telling the judge that he is a fat mother[deleted], a [deleted], [deleted] or even a [deleted]ing [deleted], on the other paw, will guarantee you an extended stay at the Greybar Bed and Breakfast.
3) When in doubt, or if courtesy, civility or good manners decide to temporarily depart your person, bear in mind that Silence Is Golden.
4) You are not going to win an argument with a judge in his own courtroom. Not going to happen. Ever.
5) When the judge says, "That's another three days Contempt of Court. Are you finished?" that is what is what is commonly referred to as "A Clue". It means that you should cease and desist from doing whatever it was that caused the judge to say, "Contempt of Court". Really.
6) Contempt of Court charges are served day for day. You can not receive good time credit for Contempt; there is no probation; there is no fine to pay, and you can't bond out on Contempt of Court charges. That means, if you talk yourself into 45 days Contempt of Court, you're going to serve all 45 days.
7) Last, but not least -- if the nice deputy has to snatch you out of the courtroom for violating Rules 2,3,4 and 5, you have just caused him extra paperwork. He does not like extra paperwork, and will probably be somewhat annoyed.
There are several different ways of getting from the courtroom to the jail. The words, "Get your [deleted]ing hands off me, you punk-[deleted] [deleted]!" said to an annoyed deputy will ensure that the most comfortable way will not be the one taken.
Thank you for your attention.