Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Arrgghh.

For the first time in over a decade, I find it necessary to don a tie.

Damned thing keeps coming out somewhere between a half-Windsor and a full Windsor -- maybe a three-quarter Windsor?

I have been quite happy relying on a bolo tie when it was necessary to dress things up a bit, and I have a couple of very nice satin string ties for very formal.

Bugger! The knot looks perfect, but there's about six inches of the wrong end hanging -- scissors! Where the hell are the scissors?

I even have a couple of never-worn clip-on ties, but I am reliably informed that clip-on ties Simply Will Not Do.

*mutter, mutter*

Internet! Google ... "Half-Windsor" -- ergh. Hrm. What the hell?

Even when Baby Sister got herself married, I ditched the bow-tie in favour of a lace jabot.

Had to, actually, as it was the only thing that really matched the Montrose jacket and the kilt.

Speaking of, gentlemen, the ability of a formal highland outfit to attract the Fair Sex has to experienced to be believed. Confidence and a kilt, my lads, confidence and a kilt.

Bloody hell, I don't have that much tie! How many sodding times ... oh. Full Windsor. Back up.

You'd think, here in North Texas we'd be using something a little more civilized than six yards of self-tied noose.

There. I guess. Good enough.

Wish me luck, folks.

LawDog

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have the same enmity towards ties. I believe that the knot that I learned was a "Four-in-hand"
http://www.tie-a-tie.net/fourinhand.html

Holly o:) said...

Hahaha! Good luck! Maybe you should go to more formal events so you can practice your tie-tying skills...just a suggestion!

Bob@thenest said...

Retired. Florida. Shorts. Sandals.

What's a tie? ;-)

LD, I suggest you use your readily available LEO excuse for not wearing a noose. Clip-on in case a BG shows up. It's your duty to be ready at all times!

rwc said...

The bunny goes 'round the tree...

phlegmfatale said...

"There are few more impressive sights in the World than a Scotsman on the make."

Strings said...

Gee LD... even *I* know how to tie a tie!

And definate points on the kilt! It's amazong how many ladies wnat to look under there!

HollyB said...

Me thinks the Gentleman doth protest too much.
I just find it hard to believe that a man of LD's accomplishments has forgotten how to tie a noose, or a necktie. But he does write an amusing story, doesn't he, folks?

Library-Gryffon said...

Of course, we now need to see a picture of said Montrose and jabot....

Ambulance Driver said...

LawDog, I bring thee great tidings. I present the zipper tie!

http://www.protie.com/

You'll never tie a Windsor knot again.

D.W. Drang said...

I made money in Basic Training tyeing ties for my fellow recruits.

So, 'Dog, gettin' hitched, are we?

Hammer said...

I always maintained the beginner loser knot when I wore a daily tie.

A Navy man I am not.

Hot date?

Larry said...

When I wear my kilt, I'm more partial to the bowtie and Prince Charlie jacket. Fits in at the most formal event, but once the stuffiness is over and the drinkin' begins, you pop off the tie and jacket, loosen the tuxedo shirt, roll your sleeves up, and get to work supporting brewers and distillers of fine beverages.

Matt G said...

LD, I'm quite sure that you won't need any of that "luck" stuff. You are, in fact, The Man.

My problem isn't getting the knot right-- I can do that while driving with one knee (at too high a speed. . . because I'm late for [church/interview/funeral/wedding/court/MY wedding]). The problem is, there's not enough tie for my long torso, so I end up with a little 4" tail of a small end that won't tuck behind th label. I end up having to put it into my my shirt between the buttons. It doesn't help that my half-Windsors aren't ever symmetrical, so I have to take up more space with my full-Windsor knot.

Drop me an email.

Diane said...

Certainly any *woman* would rather see you in a kilt than a suit and tie.

How does that go? Good girls wonder what a Scotsmans wears under his kilt, bad girls know, but real women find out for themselves.

Tam said...

Luck, 'Dawg.

Pawpaw said...

I call Bullshit!

Bolo ties are universally accepted as high dress in Texas, except for those few social occasions that require a bow tie.

You can even wear a bolo on the floor of the Legislature.

Anonymous said...

Don't feel bad LD, even though I have to wear one of the #$^& things every day, I STILL screw it up about half the time... 3 more years and I can retire to Texas and NEVER see another tie...

Old NFO

Rorschach said...

Pawpaw, I'm not sure I'd use the lege as an example of the proper way to a Texan to act. The place has more thieves than your county jail

Anonymous said...

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How smart is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

Anonymous said...

I must admit that there is nothing quite as attractive as a man in formal wear. The fact that the formal wear is a kilt and jacket is just icing on the cake as far as I'm concerned. Of course nothing is more attractive than the confidence and sense of self that shine through any clothing.
Good Luck LD.
Sarah

T said...

I think I'm misquoting but someone once said "There's only one time in a man's life when he has to have a noose tied around his neck, and that time ain't come for me yet."

BryanP said...

Google the term "zipper tie."

It doesn't look like a clip-on because it's not a clip-on.

Anonymous said...

"Oh Bonnie come tie my tie
Oh Bonnie come tie my tie!
I've tied it before and I've tied it behind
Oh Bonnie come tie my tie!"
English folk-song

LittleRed1

MrLabRat said...

"It's amazong how many ladies wnat to look under there!"

And still they get so irate with us for the same impulse...

Ulises from CA said...

Perhaps it's a reminder of what WILL happen if one's hijincks get out of hand once too often?

;^)

Good luck!

SEMPER VBI SVB VUBI!

kateykakes said...

Good luck, sweetie. Knock 'em dead.

The next time you need to wear a tie and get frustrated, all you have to do is yell. I'll be there in a heartbeat to tie it for you. ;)

Flintlock Tom said...

The first time one of my sons needed to wear a tie I told him I was only going to show him once.
The smart lad never untied it, simply loosened it and slipped it over his head, ready to use next time.
I think my third son is still using that same tie.

Anonymous said...

I can't tie a Windsor knot either. A hangman's noose was easily learned, but never to be used.

My Grandpa hated to wear a tie. There were only two times in the time I knew him that he ever wore one... at his sister's funeral and then at his own funeral. Before we closed the lid on his coffin, the tie was removed in deference to his preference in life.

FWIW, I cant stand wearing a tie either. And at my sister's wedding, nobody asked me to wear one. I guess they figured on top of my white dress shirt and black Luchesses, the black Stetson- my formal dress hat- was enough.

As for kilts, in my family, we all tend to think of ourselves only as Americans because we haven't been in touch with our Scots-Irish decent. That being the case, if I put on a kilt, they'd all laugh at me for wearing a dress. Sorry to be a wet blanket and all, but I'm afraid the women I know would probably accuse me of crossdressing and coming out of the closet. (picture me with a confused look on my face)

mustanger98 on THR

LabRat said...

I don't complain about the impulse, darling, I complain when I find my book interrupted because someone just had to thrust a paw down there to find out if everything is still where he left it last time.

So qwitcherbitchin'.

ibex said...

Only the French could come up with a means of self-torture as devious and despicable as the tie.

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