I see that we have been graced by a visit from a drive-by Conspiracy Nut. Don't bother looking for his comment -- I am philosophically opposed to any comment longer than a thousand words, and have happily canned it.
If you spend any time at all on the World Wierd Web, you'll inevitably run across conspiracy goodness of one kind or another. So -- me being me -- I got curious and strolled through the halls of Cyberspace looking for conspiracies.
Goodness. And ye gods.
After much cogitation (and maybe a tot of Maker's Mark), I have formulated the LawDog Theory About The Assassination of President Kennedy (okay, it was a big tot. Maybe even a dash).
Firstly, you must understand that it is a Bad Thing to mix up your protocols. While most gaffes will not be quite as spectacular as, say, greeting Thapageti-Thoth, High Priest of the Great Old Ones with the recognition hand-sign of the Association of Junior Leagues, it is important to understand that a conspiracy faux pas tends to be hard on breakable objects: limbs, housewares, buildings, small metropolitan areas, that kind of thing.
Secondly, as everyone (except, maybe, the Gentle Reader -- but we have suspicions) knows, in the 1960's the distribution of Palm Pilots and other electronic organizers was tightly controlled by the Freemasons.
President Kennedy (according to the always-reliable Internet) belonged to (according to my precise, in depth, meticulous 16-minute cyber-search) no less than 37 different organizations bent on controlling the World.
37 different Secret Protocols -- without electronic aid -- are hard enough to keep straight in your head -- and the multiple close quarter assassination attempts by Bilderberger Agent Marilyn Monroe didn't help things.
Sooner or later, JFK was doomed to slip up.
I finally found the details in a 16,000 year-old copy of the Reg Veda. It states that JFK was meeting with a representative of Dark Conspiracy Organization 102,849, and mistakenly used the Super-Secret Members-Only ID Moose-Call of Dark Conspiracy Organization Geshundteit to identify himself.
Well, this would tear things, wouldn't it?
DCO Geshundteit, understandably distressed at their Most Closely Guarded Secret Moose-Call being revealed to a rival Organization, tried convene a quorum of its Members to change the Super-Secret ID Moose-Call.
Unfortunately -- as everyone knows -- the Geshundteit High Council encrypts their Member list in a Babylonian Code so secure that the last known copy of the decrypt key went up in smoke when Julius Caesar (Rosicrucian Executive Vice President) burned the Library of Alexandria to prevent the discovery of the memoirs of Klarkash-ton by agents of the feared Hottentot Department of Tourism.
So, no quorum.
The Martian Order of the Golden Gerbil, seeing the distress and complete disarray of the DCO Geshundteit, decided that maybe their induction of JFK into their Dark Conspiracy Organization might not have been a good idea. To prevent Kennedy from revealing that the Earth is actually ruled by rodents, and to prevent the need to convene a quorum of their own Members (since no Gerbil really knows who is a Member of the Martian Order of the Golden Gerbil, it's bloody difficult to, you know, summons a quorum), the Gerbils attempted to have him whacked.
The Gerbils, being somewhat short on trained assassins after the Fluorescent Tube Death Ray debacle, called the Vatican and reminded the Holy See that they still had the negatives from the whole Tunguska thing.
The Vatican sent their top Opus Dei agent, Brother Elvis Presley, to Dallas with instructions to terminate President Kennedy -- with inordinate bias.
Anyone with any common sense will realize that the Illuminati claim that their ninja agents were actually searching the Dallas Book Depository for the Spear of Longinus is laughable bunk -- since everyone knows the Spear was, at that time, still in the possession of the Order of Thule -- none-the-less, Brother Presley was forced to slaughter hundreds of ninjas and was thus prevented from accomplishing his objective.
If Lee Harvey Oswald (Ninja, 4th Class, Probationary) hadn't glanced out of the window of the Depository and recognized that what the world thought was First Lady Jackie Kennedy was actually an Atlantean Infiltration Android, he would not have engaged the AIA with his Illuminati-issue Carcano.
And if he had made it to Ninja, 3rd Class, he would have learned that AIA's are bulletproof, and would not have continued to ricochet bullets through various dignitaries.
I understand that Illuminati ninja training has been modified to prevent future 'magic bullet' occurrences of this kind.
I had documents, photographs, and original flash-drives to prove the veracity of this account, including the full and complete confession of the Gerbil High Potentate, but my dog (whom I believe to be an agent of the Movementarians) cunningly ate the evidence.
Nevertheless, I shall publish a book, just as soon as I can find a publisher who isn't mind-controlled by the High Vegetarian Order of the Snark.