Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Can I have the tin-foil beanie with the propellor on top?

I see that we have been graced by a visit from a drive-by Conspiracy Nut. Don't bother looking for his comment -- I am philosophically opposed to any comment longer than a thousand words, and have happily canned it.

*sigh*

If you spend any time at all on the World Wierd Web, you'll inevitably run across conspiracy goodness of one kind or another. So -- me being me -- I got curious and strolled through the halls of Cyberspace looking for conspiracies.

Goodness. And ye gods.

After much cogitation (and maybe a tot of Maker's Mark), I have formulated the LawDog Theory About The Assassination of President Kennedy (okay, it was a big tot. Maybe even a dash).

Ahem.

Firstly, you must understand that it is a Bad Thing to mix up your protocols. While most gaffes will not be quite as spectacular as, say, greeting Thapageti-Thoth, High Priest of the Great Old Ones with the recognition hand-sign of the Association of Junior Leagues, it is important to understand that a conspiracy faux pas tends to be hard on breakable objects: limbs, housewares, buildings, small metropolitan areas, that kind of thing.

Secondly, as everyone (except, maybe, the Gentle Reader -- but we have suspicions) knows, in the 1960's the distribution of Palm Pilots and other electronic organizers was tightly controlled by the Freemasons.

President Kennedy (according to the always-reliable Internet) belonged to (according to my precise, in depth, meticulous 16-minute cyber-search) no less than 37 different organizations bent on controlling the World.

37 different Secret Protocols -- without electronic aid -- are hard enough to keep straight in your head -- and the multiple close quarter assassination attempts by Bilderberger Agent Marilyn Monroe didn't help things.

Sooner or later, JFK was doomed to slip up.

I finally found the details in a 16,000 year-old copy of the Reg Veda. It states that JFK was meeting with a representative of Dark Conspiracy Organization 102,849, and mistakenly used the Super-Secret Members-Only ID Moose-Call of Dark Conspiracy Organization Geshundteit to identify himself.

Well, this would tear things, wouldn't it?

DCO Geshundteit, understandably distressed at their Most Closely Guarded Secret Moose-Call being revealed to a rival Organization, tried convene a quorum of its Members to change the Super-Secret ID Moose-Call.

Unfortunately -- as everyone knows -- the Geshundteit High Council encrypts their Member list in a Babylonian Code so secure that the last known copy of the decrypt key went up in smoke when Julius Caesar (Rosicrucian Executive Vice President) burned the Library of Alexandria to prevent the discovery of the memoirs of Klarkash-ton by agents of the feared Hottentot Department of Tourism.

So, no quorum.

The Martian Order of the Golden Gerbil, seeing the distress and complete disarray of the DCO Geshundteit, decided that maybe their induction of JFK into their Dark Conspiracy Organization might not have been a good idea. To prevent Kennedy from revealing that the Earth is actually ruled by rodents, and to prevent the need to convene a quorum of their own Members (since no Gerbil really knows who is a Member of the Martian Order of the Golden Gerbil, it's bloody difficult to, you know, summons a quorum), the Gerbils attempted to have him whacked.

The Gerbils, being somewhat short on trained assassins after the Fluorescent Tube Death Ray debacle, called the Vatican and reminded the Holy See that they still had the negatives from the whole Tunguska thing.

The Vatican sent their top Opus Dei agent, Brother Elvis Presley, to Dallas with instructions to terminate President Kennedy -- with inordinate bias.

Anyone with any common sense will realize that the Illuminati claim that their ninja agents were actually searching the Dallas Book Depository for the Spear of Longinus is laughable bunk -- since everyone knows the Spear was, at that time, still in the possession of the Order of Thule -- none-the-less, Brother Presley was forced to slaughter hundreds of ninjas and was thus prevented from accomplishing his objective.

If Lee Harvey Oswald (Ninja, 4th Class, Probationary) hadn't glanced out of the window of the Depository and recognized that what the world thought was First Lady Jackie Kennedy was actually an Atlantean Infiltration Android, he would not have engaged the AIA with his Illuminati-issue Carcano.

And if he had made it to Ninja, 3rd Class, he would have learned that AIA's are bulletproof, and would not have continued to ricochet bullets through various dignitaries.

I understand that Illuminati ninja training has been modified to prevent future 'magic bullet' occurrences of this kind.

I had documents, photographs, and original flash-drives to prove the veracity of this account, including the full and complete confession of the Gerbil High Potentate, but my dog (whom I believe to be an agent of the Movementarians) cunningly ate the evidence.

Nevertheless, I shall publish a book, just as soon as I can find a publisher who isn't mind-controlled by the High Vegetarian Order of the Snark.

LawDog

40 comments:

Anonymous said...

SNORT!!!! Please Not while I"m drinking...........

Bob@thenest said...

LD, you have truly outdone yourself, and far too well for it to have been Makers Mark. I'm thinking more like some really bad shine? Are you able to focus? Headaches? Nausea? You may want to give AD a shout just in case that was a bad batch.

:-)

D.W. Drang said...

Great. Just great. Now we have to wipe the entire internet and terminate everyone who reads the Law Dog Files.
Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

Hammer said...

I knew it! I knew it! I wonder who will finance the documentary?

Cybrludite said...

Bugger. No I have to put something in the water supply to make them forget they read this. Again.

phlegmfatale said...

One day soon, someone will be repeating this in hushed tones at the corner of Elm and Houston in Dallas, and the waters will get a little more murky. Brilliant.

Larry said...

Some conspiracy. You left out Castro alltogether. The whole thing just falls apart without Castro. And the Mob.
I know all this because Jimmy Hoffa filled me in while we were waiting for a connecting flight. I'd tell you where, but then I'd have to...well, you know.

C. S. P. Schofield said...

Robert Anton Wilson (and his co-author, whose name escapes me for the moment) wrote the notorious ILLUMINATUS trilogy based on the assumption that all the conspiracies they had encountered as "Letters to the Editor" editors for Playboy magazine were true ... even the mutually contradictory ones.

Which leads to a scene (it may be in Wilson's pseudo sequel) where somebody observing the assassination of Kennedy is muttering "Damnit, we should have sold tickets"

I recommend ILLUMINATUS; it is one of the very few surrealist novels that is actually worth the effort to read, if only because things like X-FILES will make you giggle for the rest of your life.

Anonymous said...

UFOs dammit...It's the UFOs because....
Oh no the foil is coming off the wall, I'll have to get back to you on this..

Anonymous said...

I was going to say "Back away from the Maker's, Dog" but then realized "hey, it's Maker's!" so never mind that...

... and is there any truth to Gray Fox having snuffed out the Gerbils? At least the ones that mattered?

-Infidel

BryanP said...

"Elvis to Mars, Kennedy's dead, I'm coming home."

BobG said...

I knew that...

Russ said...

Awww-Gee, now the cat's out of the bag.

geodkyt said...

You wouldn't be referring to the nut on the "Virginia Tech Shootings" Comments section who is saying it was a satanic cult endorsed by George Bush, are you?

That one is still visible in the Archives.

HollyB said...

You are soooo evil! The conspiracy gangs, all of them, are going to send the Vatican's Jesuit Assasins after you, you don't watch out. I'd lay some land mines, or at least some motion sensors around the perimeter, I were you. Just a thought.

flintlock tom said...

"...revealing that the Earth is actually ruled by rodents,"


Shhh...

El Capitan said...

Hmppph. Some conspiracy theory you're trying to peddle here!

See, I'm on to you! Since you deliberately excluded mention of the Black Helicopters, the U.N. 3rd World shock troops, the Cattle Mutilators and crop circles, it means you're just trying to misdirect us using smoke & mirrors!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to run to the store for more aluminum foil. My hat's getting a bit thin on top where it brushes against my Faraday cage/Atlantean pyramid mind control shelter.

geodkyt said...

Holly,

The Vatican's assassins aren't the Jesuits.

The Jesuits are the Pope's lawyers.


The Pope couldn't wait for the Jesuits to be founded before he had a Brute Squad.

The Benedictine Monks are the Pope's "Special Action Squad". The Rule is a perfect cover.

Rick

(smirk. . . remove tongue from cheek. . . )

Kristopher said...

Spork!

Matt G said...

Friends, you'd be amazed at how little of that stuff it takes to make him talk that way.

And ignore the part about the gerbils-- he pulled them right out of his... um, never mind.

kbcraig said...

Sounds more like he was hitting the Absynthe. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Now the office will wonder what I have been reading on company time.

The boss's emails cause a reaction, but belly laughs are not one of them.


FYI that quake in the SF area today? That was my considerable belly while reading this piece.

TBeck said...

He doesn't go by "Klarkash-Ton" these days. Now he's just Mr. Smith. ;)

Ulises from CA said...

My cat ADAMANTLY insists that he had nothing whatsoever to do with the Coolidge asssasination. Adamantly.

Why?

Vic303 said...

Good God! If you wrote this gem after drinking something like Makers Mark, (a good bourbon mind you), I'd not think my ribs could take what you'd write after a tot or three of Buffalo Trace... There is some fine sipping bourbon.

DFWMTX said...

There's two holes in your theory, Mr. Dawg:
First: a tot is more than a dash. At least in my house.
Second: After reading through all the conspiracy theories about all the suspicious events in the world, I have noticed that every single one blames the wrong person. It was me. I did it. Name a conspiracy theory, and I'll admit I was behind it all. THe sinking of the Maine; Castro hired me to set the coal bunkers alight with a Habana. The Reichstag fire; it wasn't caused by the Nazis or Jewish communists, I was simply showing Karl Haushoffer how to light farts when things got out of hand. I pulled off 9-11 and framed Osama bin Laden because his brother Rasheed sold me bad falafel. WTC 7 fell because of my experiments with a copy of Tesla's earthquake machine. And the Pentagon was not hit by an airliner or a missile, but instead it was hit by a giant paper airplane when I tried for the world record. I destroyed Atlantis to promote Plato's novel; I promoted New Coke on behalf of Dr. Pepper. I keep the remains of the aliens from the Roswell crash in a freezer that's next to the vault containing every sock that's ever gone missing from a dryer. Jimmy Hoffa, Marylin Monroe, Kurt Cobain, River Phoenix, and Elvis Presley really aren't dead; I faked their deaths and keep them as live-in entertainment in my secret Fortress of Solitude. I put secret subliminal messages in both "Catcher in the Rye" and "Taxi Driver" to make Hinkley and that other guy go nuts.

Of course, no one will publish a book blaming me for every conspiracy theory out there because that will devistate the market for conspiracy theory books. Which is exactly my dastardly plan in the first place....

Anonymous said...

I must confess, it was I on the grassy kno who's there? don't! stay back or I'll mmmmmmffff



NGUK NGUK

C. S. P. Schofield said...

fnord

Anonymous said...

Great, how are we gonna keep this away from Oliver Stone now?
Sberk1

Gary said...

Ahhhh, sounds about right. Except for missing the part where fire melted steel for the first time.

Kiki B. said...

"okay, it was a big tot. Maybe even a dash)."

The whole bottle??? How was your head the next day?

catfish said...

and most importantly, folks - shiny side out.....

Tower Tales said...

Hey dog..
Are you sure it wasn't just Pinky and the Brain?

JoeMerchant24 said...

LD;

People just don't KNOW the TRUTH!!!!

Elvis shot JFK.

Which, come to find out, the Secret Service don't find all that funny.

Read about my run-in with the T-men for the whole truth (as I recall) and nothing but the truth (Warning: may contain filler) at the usual URL.

geodkyt said...

Gary,

Please tell me you're kidding, right?

The "steel" has been explained. . . it ain't steel.

People claiming it IS steel have apparantly never seen molten steel. It does, however, look (as much as it "looks" like anything definitive at all) an awful lot like light metals such as aluminum do when they melt. . . at under 1000 degrees (i.e, WELL under the conservative estimates of temps from burning fuel in a confined hollow structure with a chimmney effect), and commonly found in modern office buildings in large quantities.

And yes, I have seen, and worked with molten steel, aluminum, zinc, various "super-alloys" used in the aerospace industry, etc.

Rick

BeelzebuDasHell said...

Ok, now I have the headache.

Anonymous said...

Kennedy also made Khruschev blink first. Guess the world is lucky Khruschev didn't have an ego the size of, oh I dunno, Kennedy's maybe. But then again Nuclear Winter (or Summer or whatever) may have been alot of fun.

The Next to Last Samurai said...

*chortle* Law Dog, I usually read you over lunch, and when I got to the High Priest Thpageti-Thoth I burst out laughing and my co-workers looked at me even more strangely than is their wont. If you keep this up, I'll have to save you till I get home.

Anonymous said...

Time to trade in the Makers Mark for the VIP version and blame it all on tha reptillians

Anonymous said...

They always say, "Follow the money." Kennedy was Catholic. Catholics didn't eat meat on Friday. He went to Texas, beef country. It's obvious, isn't it? The American Beef Council had him killed to protect their profits. *snort*