Just out of sense of macabre curiosity, once in a while I'll drift through Reuters "Oddly Enough" page.
Today I notice that a Chinese couple is attempting to name their newest sprog "@".
Nope, that's not a typo. They are attempting to name their child after the "at" symbol found in e-mail addresses around the world.
This is fresh on the heels of the New Zealand couple who, foiled in their attempt to name their child "4Real", instead named him "Superman".
Which beats out the previous contestants -- a couple in Sweden who wanted to name their baby girl "Metallica".
I suppose I shouldn't whinge -- after all, America is the home of Kal-el Coppola Cage, Moon Unit Zappa, Fifi Trixibelle Geldof, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence and last -- but certainly not least --GoldenPalaceDotCom Silverman.
Am I the only person who foresees a crowd of grade-school kids chanting, "It's a bird! It's a plane! It's ..." just before third grader Kal-el Cage or Superman Wheaton is yard-darted into the turf from the top level of the football bleachers by a pack of sixth graders?
Children are sweet. Children in large packs are savage, vicious and sadistic little heathens who live by the Law of the Jungle.
Might as well tie a rib-eye around that kids neck and send him out to play with the rottweilers now -- let him get used to the treatment before he gets to elementary school.
When my legions of flying monkeys complete my Plan for World Domination, this bushwa is going to stop.
And because I will be a libertarian despotic tyrant, I won't even order folks not to hang silly-arsed names on their children.
No, I will simply open a folder for each child stuck with an unfortunately cocked-over name. Inside this folder, I will place several pre-signed, blank conspiracy warrants and two pre-signed pardons.
And every time little Kal-el gets punched in the mouth ("From Krypton, huh?" Pow! "Guess not, loser!") or young Superman gets thrown off the bleachers ("If you're really Superman, you should be able to fly!"), then Mama and Daddy get arrested for Conspiring To Make A Child's Life A Living Hell, and are punished along with the heathens.
The pardons will come into play when young GoldenPalaceDotCom Silverman finally loses his grip on his mud and sets his parents bed on fire. One pardon for one criminal act committed upon each parent.
It's only fair. Not only that, but as your Emperor, it will be my solemn duty to ensure that stupidity -- especially blatant stupidity of this calibre -- hurts.