Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Don't ask a question if you don't want an answer

Dear Madam,

I am the gentleman who was in the line when you cut in with your horde of spawn and the two buggies containing $203.56 of various iterations of processed sugars.

Since I was, in fact, Off Work, Out-Of-Uniform and in my Happy Place, I really didn't mind that you not only hip-checked me out of the way, but did so in the clearly-marked
Express Lane 10 Items Or Less Cash Only Please queue.

And when you proceeded to harangue and browbeat the teenager working the register to the point of tears, well, I figure everyone has to learn how to deal with jackasses sooner or later, and this was pretty much a Life Lesson.

Besides, I was in my Happy Place, with my bottle of MetroMint water and my tomato ... which is why I can't understand why -- when you were done with the coupons and the writing of the cheque -- you chose to turn to me and hiss, "What the [deleted] are YOU looking at?"

*scratch, scratch*

In my defence you must admit that you
did ask.

Bet you won't do that again.

Love,

LawDog

39 comments:

Gary said...

You're just going to leave us hanging, aren't you Law Dog?

Old NFO said...

Come on LD, DON'T leave us hanging... That is NOT nice! Didn't your Mother ever tell you not to tease people :-)

Kevin said...

Yes. I for one would very much like to hear the response.

Every single syllable. 8-D

Anonymous said...

Been there, done that. The answer is, "Your broad ass, madam. I was wondering if it's actually three ax handles wide."
LawMom

Jason said...

You're leaving something out. Give it up LawDog..

phlegmfatale said...

*bated breath mode*

Anonymous said...

LawDog! That was part 1 of a 2-part story...

Now, fess up the rest, or the bear name Muhammad gets it!

Paul said...

...and the answer is?

Anonymous said...

Brilliant. I had one of them a while back. Dumbich gossiping on the cell in the express line, and when the cashier was done ringing her up, she turned her back on her and kept yapping. I had been doing yard work all day, unshaven, schmelly, half-soaked t-shirt and dirty cut-off sweat pants, I did a slow 10-9-8-7-countdown and then grabbed her cell, told her conversant that 'she'll call you back -', and snapped it shut. I then suggested that she pay for her G-D order and quit wasting everybodys' effing time. The look on her face was priceless, and she was about to light into me when she noticed that there were 6 other people in line who also wanted into the discussion. The cashier was working hard to stiffle and not wet her pants. Dumbich paid quicly and blew outa there. The cashier was now in full LMAO mode, I paid for my 12 pk and left. I saw Dumbich driving by, skowling at me as I went to my car, and made sure she knew I thought she was #1. Not my best moment, but then again . . .

SpeakerTweaker said...

Archive the missing part of this story with Pink Gorilla Suit pt. III.

Come on, Man! Drop the other shoe! What'd you say?!?!

plz???



tweaker

Matt G said...

"What the [deleted] are YOU looking at?"

Uh, a Bitch and her Brood Buying Butter to Buttress their Butts, Bandying with their Betters?


No uniform + off-duty = Freedom Of Expression!

Diane said...

The ending is perfect the way it is - let's us fit in our own choice words - the ones we were too chicken to say ourselves!

"gunner" said...

given that the lawdog comes from a british colonial background, and is well educated, and literate, i suspect there were a few thing he could tell madame lardarse if he chose. as it stands there is always the chance he might meet her doing 10 over in a school zone one day while on the job. people like that do tend to attract karmic retribution.
"gunner"

perlhaqr said...

"New Lardasche Jeans. Cut from the 90 inch wide bolt of cloth."

kateykakes said...

Diane said...
The ending is perfect the way it is - let's us fit in our own choice words - the ones we were too chicken to say ourselves!


Diane,

I'm happy to say I'm not one that would keep that myself. I don't like people in general, and asking that question left her W I D E open for what she had coming.

LD, deep down I know you made us proud with your response. ;)

JD said...

OK, I have to admit I want to know the answer too. . . I am sure it was a good one, but another question is " was she smart enough to understand his answer?" after all, she already showed she can't count and probable is still wondering where all the kids came from. . . .

Simeron said...

For me the answer is something along the lines of..

"Someone untrained in the use of brain cells or the inability to do so, I'm trying to figure out which."

Course, that's me....lol.

I want to hear LD's version too but the ax handle one from Lawmom got me a few odd looks from co-workers. Thanks LM! I needed a boost this AM.

Anathema said...

As someone who also works out among the public (Installation & Maintenance Tech for Verizon) I can see the need to be very ... careful in how one phrases a response to such an open-ended question.
Usually a comment consisting of mostly multi-syllable words suffices to confuse the recipient, while amusing everyone else in earshot.

Bob@thenest said...

Call me greedy, but I want to know not only what you said, but also if she comprehended it and what the cashier's reaction was.

Anonymous said...

I'm entirely certain LD's response was like a verbal karate blow: short, powerful, to the point and utterly devastating.

No doubt the scorched-earth result of LD's retort left madame beotch not only speechless, but also indelibly informed as to [i]exactly[/i] what LD "was looking at."

Even though LD's smack-down of the alpha-beotch is probably best left to one's imagination, I personally would love to see it on Pay-per-View!

jimbob86 said...

"Somone who either A)can't read or count, or B) is to much of a Bitch to care what the rules of polite society are. I'm guessing the latter." is my response....

If this incited her to violence, it would confirm the latter, and my personal code of never hitting a Lady would not come into play at all........

Rustmeister said...

Add me to the "Please continue" crowd.

Anonymous said...

It's always wise to have a backup in case the mother is marginally smart enough to understand that she's been insulted.
In which case, you acquire a blankly stupid look, point at someone else (preferably someone you don't like, but any port in a 300 lb. storm), and in an aggrieved voice say, "Well, that's what SHE said."
And run like hell; retreat is often the better part of valor.
LawMom

djmoore said...

Yes, I too want the punch line.

Last week I was watching a movie in the theater when the guy across the aisle from me answered his cell phone and proceeded to have a conversation. He refused to hang up, despite shushing from me and other audience members, until I went to get an usher.

Something snapped inside me that day. I will no longer tolerate assholes who misbehave on the assumption that the rest of us are too polite to make a scene.

cma g21 said...

LD,
I'm sure watever you said to her was not only well put, but likely kinder than she deserved.
But not letting us know what it was is...
just...
evil!

Flintlock Tom said...

Anyone who has been attending this weblog for any period of time can fill in the blank quite reliably.

Here's mine: "Your exceptional accumulation of offspring, any idea who the fathers are?"

kbarrett said...

Please continue to taunt everyone by not punchlining.

OKTHKXBYE.

CrankyProf said...

Oh, please. Do expand on what you said.

Ky Person said...

Please Mr. Dog, please let know what you said to her. I want to know, I NEED to know (so I can use it on the next beyotch who does this to me!)

Jay G said...

""What the [deleted] are YOU looking at?""

Hmmmm... Let's see...

In no particular order:

*Ten pounds of sh*t in a five pound bag.

*The best argument for retroactive abortion I can think of.

*The poster child for "You can't fix stupid."

*A low-down dirty oxygen thief.

*The number one reason to "bat for the other team".

Any of these even remotely close?

Kelly McCrady said...

I had one of these at Walmart the other day. I pushed my cartful toward the check-out with the smallest line and a woman with one item in her hand arrived at the same time. I waved her ahead so she wouldn't have to wait for me. Here comes her husband behind me wih a CARTFUL and she gestures for him to cut in front of me. "I'm in line," she says. Being smarter than her, he says, "That's kind of rude." She answers, "But I'm in line."

I couldn't help it. I smiled and drilled her with, "I allowed you ahead of me because you had one item." She meekly retreated.

I'd love to hear what you said to that woman, LD. I like someone's description of "verbal karate."

TheQuiet1 said...

I have this wild fantasy of watching The Cranky Professor deal with this type of creature.

Only while safely ensconsed in a deep foxhole a safe distance away of course.

Assrot said...

I'd love to have been there. I can just imagine your response. Thanks for my happy moment for today.

:-)

Joe

Chris Edwards said...

perhaps something like :
sorry the label has not stuck to the slime?

Anonymous said...

I was in line at the express checkout (12 items or less) in the People's Republic of Ann Arbor, MI, behind two young "ladies" who were clearly attired in warmup suits from the University of Michigan. Naturally, these two gals had a shopping cart filled to the brim with many times 12 items.

I actually got to ask them the priceless line, "Excuse me, but are you two Math majors who can't read (as I pointed to the '12 items or less' sign) or English majors who can't count?" They gave me blank looks like they didn't understand.

I would hope that stores would refuse to ring up their sales and make them go to the proper line. Stores don't do that because they fear losing the business of those who can't read or count, but instead they will lose the business of those who can.

chicopanther

Bernard Brandt said...

While I, like the Cranky Professor and a fair number of others, would very much like to hear just what you said to the dumbitch in question, I, too, have had more than my share of dealings with the terminally inconsiderate in shopping lines. You know, the ones who bring two or more shopping carts to the "fifteen items or less" line. Usually, just in front of me.

My response is to observe the cashier as he or she scans in the items, and when the item count passes fifteen, to start counting the items. Aloud.

That usually is sufficient to get some reaction or acknowledgement that their actions may not have been entirely appropriate. I therefore seldom have to progress to Stage Two, which is to say to the miscreant:

"Is it that you can't read, can't count, or are you just mentally or morally handicapped?"

Mattski said...

Dear God LD, enough already! We've been reading through these comments for over a week waiting for the answer!

:)

Merry Christmas!
Mattski

Paul said...

Excellent idea Bernard!

In the future, I'm going to do what you do.

Anonymous said...

Give it up LawDog. What did you say?