Friday, December 28, 2007

Holiday cheer

By way of e-mail, my friend Peter sends some news to warm the cockroaches of our hearts:

Tactical advice for those intending to rob the Santa-Claus-outfit-wearing Salvation Army volunteers at shopping malls.

1. In this part of the country, those Santa's are rednecks. Large rednecks. With an attitude to match.

2. When you and your homie stick a gun in Santa's face and demand, "Gimme the bucket!" he might take you precisely and exactly at your word. Literally.

3. As you watch your homie lying on the ground, bucket over his head and Santa stomping it flat onto his (unlovely) features, it's not a good idea to forget that you're within grabbing range of Santa - or to let your gun hand sag to your side.

4. Failure to observe #3 above will result in an infuriated Santa holding your head in an armlock under his left arm while, with his right hand, he beats you heavily over the bonce with his festive Christmas bell. This musical accompaniment, whilst no carol, is nevertheless pleasing to the bystanders' ears. The same might be said about your screams.

5. When passing shoppers stop, gather around and start applauding Santa's actions, it's not a good idea to yell at them that they're mother[deleted] [deleted] and beg them to make this [deleted] stop hitting you. This may - nay, gentle reader, this WILL - encourage some of them to offer to help Santa with the hitting . . . and encourage him to accept their offer.

6. When responding cops arrive, rush up to the scene with guns drawn, and promptly sag to the ground in hysterics while ignoring your pleas for help, it's not a good idea to swear at them in words of distinctly non-festive hue. This will result in their handling the rest of your interaction in a less than sympathetic manner (drawing further cheers from the by now numerous onlookers).

7. As you languish (with your battered homie) in the back of an ambulance, both of you being treated by the medics for bleeding from the head, it's particularly galling to see Santa's now somewhat battered bucket being filled to overflowing by cheering shoppers and the responding police officers, all of whom seem rather in a rather more more festive and cheerful mood now than they did before you made your move.

8. And a merry Redneck Christmas to both of you, idiots. Ho-ho-ho.

*gigglesnort*

LawDog

15 comments:

Alex said...

ATTENTION: There is a Class III spew-alert in effect for this post.

Nancy said...

ooooooooooooooo

Did this happen? I wish I'd have seen it. I'd have been one of the cheering crowds...taking pictures like crazy.

Kaerius said...

Bwahahaha.

I wish I'd been there to see that!

Who is..... Carteach0? said...

Thanks... made my morning!

I would have helped fill the pot, just for the honor of seeing that...

They probably won't be behind bars long, but I hope they got a better story to tell than: "We got our butts kicked by an unarmed redneck santa"

Farmgirl said...

I'd definitely have helped fill the misshapen bucket, after that one.

Ross said...

LD, do you have a link for this? I'd love to read the original article. And send it in to This Is True, afterwards!

BeelzebuDasHell said...

Whenever I feel that the Christmas Spirits is fading away from its origin, it warms my heart that there are pockets of true belief remaining... even if they require the beating of a couple of criminal heathens to put a shine on it.

Great Story!

Jamie said...

I'd love a link to the original story if you have it. Having been the one standing there ringing the bell I truly enjoyed this story. :)

LauraB said...

Fantastic story! Hope it's true. Likely is - some people really are that stupid - esp at holiday time. Kind of like the loose group of immigrants that migrated the local strip mall parking lot before the holiday.

Hard targets, what with Ranger Dog and the Xmas 1911...moved right along.

Citizen H said...

Since St. Nicholas is supposed to be the patron saint of thieves, there's a delicious touch of irony here.

CrankyProf said...

I want Redneck Santa to bring me a new shoulder rig and a pass to Targetmaster next Christmas...

Assrot said...

You kill me sometimes Lawdog. I love it. Too bad you can't post some video from one of the cop cars that responded.

I hope the asshats enjoy their holiday in the pokie.

Good job Redneck Santa. I wish the cops could have let you finsh off these two numbnuts.

Happy New Year to you and yours Lawdog. I hope it's a good one for you all.

J.R.Shirley said...

Great story.

I'd love a link.

Jim said...

You know, if they collected donations in a shallow pan, they could use one critter's head to bang a dent into it, and the other's to bash it back out. (Each year, getting a little tougher... hehe)

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