Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Movie day

I had intended to spend today sitting on a shore, drowning worms and Contemplating Things, but Mama Nature had other plans.

Yes, Gentle Readers, it's raining like a cow whizzing on a flat rock.

So. Plan B. Chris, Tole and I took the opportunity to steal a page from our misspent youth, drove over to Deepinahearta, and spent the afternoon camped out in a movie theatre.

We saw 10,000 BC first.

Allow me, Gentle Reader, to reach down deep for the exact words to properly describe this move:

Yack.

Yes, I think that fits the bill rather nicely. Be aware that:

HERE BE SPOILERS!

First off, allow me to state that I hate "prophecy". Prophecy as a plot device has been over-used to the point that it left "Hackneyed" laying in the dust several miles back. The mere mention of the word "prophecy" in a movie is more than enough reason for me to hit the "eject" button, climb into the DogMobile, drive all the way back to the movie rental store and demand my money back.

And, you know, bad as I hate "prophecy", Chris hates it even worse. I'm talking immediate use of the DVD as a skeet target, longships manned, monasteries getting burned down, pillaging, burning, rioting, crushing, driving and de vimmen lamenting.

Man has a real mad on when it comes to "prophecy" as a plot device.

Of course, 10,000 BC had not one, but four -- count 'em, four -- prophecies.

In addition to the hackneyed use of a hackneyed plot device, the director and/or writer of this movie maybe didn't pay as much attention during history class as one might expect. Kind of slept their way through geography, too. Not to mention Ag class.

We start out in an idyllic glacier-carved valley full of sodding snow. There is plot development, blah, blah, more plot development -- oh, look! I didn't realize Rob Zombie had a supporting role!

Our peaceful existence as mammoth-hunters is abruptly intruded upon by four-legged demons who raid the village, capturing slaves, setting huts on fire and slaughtering everyone!

The audience, of course, realizes immediately that the "four-legged demons" are horse-riding raiders.

About 6000 years before horses were, you know, domesticated, but what the hell. And their raiding-fu sucks as bad as their chronology, because -- near as I can tell -- the big, bad professional raiding slavers managed to slaughter exactly one person in the village. One.

Amateurs.

Of course one of the handful of captives was the chastely lusted-after putative Schmoopie of Our Hero.

No one saw that one coming.

So -- despite being certain that the raiders were, in fact, you know, demons -- Our Hero and Rob Zombie decide to head out after them with one red shirt for back-up. After telling Pre-Pubescent Amusing Kid that he can't come along.

Over hill we go. Over dale. Surprise! Pre-Pubescent Amusing Kid snuck along! Who the hell saw that one coming?!

Off dale into jungle, where Our Heroes (and Rob Zombie) are attacked by Giant Terror Chickens! Whose remains have only been found in South America, mind you.

Out of the jungle, into savanna! Our hero comes across a sabre-toothed cat and pulls a thorn from its paw helps it out of a trap -- never mind the fact that the only sabre-toothed cat that bloody large in 10,000 BC was an inhabitant of America.

We stumble across one big-arsed river! We recruit allies! We march in circles in one big-arsed desert until Our Hero remembers that the North Star never moves! Huzzah! And we follow Our Hero North -- no, wait. In 10,000 BC, Polaris (the North Star) was actually somewhere closer to the equator. Never mind.

So, we follow ... something .. and we come out of the desert at--

Remember the South American Chickens From Hell? American Fang-faced Cat? Glacier-carved mountains and valleys? Of course you do. So, when we come out of the big-arsed desert, we find --

The Sphinx (carved probably about 2500 BC) and the Great Pyramid (about 2500 BC). Bloody Egypt.

Bet you didn't realize that the great Pyramid was built using woolly mammoths as pack animals, did you?

About that time I gave up all hope. Rob Zombie (the prehistoric mammoth hunter) dispatched three trained soldiers armed with metal weapons (metal-working -- 6000 BC, only four sodding thousand years too early) with a bone spear and apparently a working familiarity with Chinese kung-fu spear technique.

Alas, his prehistoric martial arts teacher neglected lessons on 1) Never Turning Your Back On An Foe; and
2) Making Damned Sure The Dead Bastard Is Really Dead.

Of course, Rob's Dying Last Words, instead of being something along the lines of, "Damn it, why didn't I make sure the last one was dead?! I can't believe that I'm dying because I was stupid!" actually were carefully chosen to Inspire Our Hero To Take Up His Destiny. And all that rot.

The alien Bad King got dead by way of a spear thrown by You'll Never Guess Who. The slaves revolt. Miraculously unravaged putative Schmoopie of Our Hero gets dead. The mammoths get freed. As a reward, the mammoths resurrect Schmoopie.

I'm being serious here! It was either the mammoths, or Our Heros tribal shaman back in the village in the glacier carved valley, but one of the two hauled off and resurrected the very dead, got-an-arrow-through-the-back, passed on, no more, metabolic-processes-are-history Schmoopie.

*sigh*

Finally, Our Hero gets to kiss his Schmoopie, many cheers, and Our Hero and Schmoopie get the Grand Send-off back through desert. Savanna. Jungle full of Giant Killer Chickens. Mountains. With a handful of grain -- and sodding corn -- to take back to their valley.

Yes, you read that right -- corn. The sodding locals in sodding Egypt give Our Hero ... corn. In Egypt. In 10,000 BC.

Ye Gods.

LawDog

62 comments:

Peter said...

Verily, the mind doth boggle . . .

Were any of the cast wearing wristwatches, by any chance?

And was there a blowing-up-the-fort scene? (Think Peter Sellers in The Party.)

:-)

Anonymous said...

Where I come from, we kill people who write scripts like that.

Rogue Medic said...

What were the other available movies that you decided this was worth some money?

I have never understood the appeal of movies with prehistoric settings.

The only ones I can imagine wanting to see are documentaries or animated movies for children (mine has outgrown them).

Anonymous said...

"Besides that Mrs. Lincoln, how'd you like the play?"

Fire Fox said...

Any chance you'll go see Vantage Point? I'll wait for your review!

bob@thenest said...

There has GOT to be a contrail in the sky someplace in that one.

Matt G said...

A: I won't be seeing that movie.

B: I barely forgive you the couple of minutes I just lost simply reading about that movie.

Larry said...

Arg. multiple expletives deleted. And I was looking forward to that.

Larry said...

Reminds me of watching "Daredevil" the other day and realizing Elektra empties her weapon ('pears to be a Glock) and yet the slide never locks back and she manages to get 3 more trigger pulls (click, click, click) before her obsessive attempts to fire end.

Anonymous said...

From Joe ex PNG:
It's a Roland Emmerich movie. What did you expect from the man that brought you the SF masterpiece "Independance Day"? Or "The Day After Tomorrow"?
Or, worst of all, the bastard that buthcered 'Godzilla'.

Don Gwinn said...

I don't know who Roland Emmerich is, but I saw the pyramids being built in the previews on the teevee. Therefore I did not watch this movie.

(Who am I kidding? The last movie I saw in the theaters was "Transformers" when my wife and kids were out of town, and I almost bailed on that.)

And nobody is to bag on Transformers! My childhood was an excellent fil--wait, I need to try that again.

Dr. StrangeGun said...

The corn was an alliteration to the gift of corn that the director and producer gave the audience that day, and I'm not speaking of the popped variety.

CrankyProf said...

Ow. The stupid, I'm surprised it didn't burn the theater down.

On the upside, the post triggered my weird imagination, and now I'm picturing you, Ambulance Driver, Matt D. Chris as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, rigged out Conan the Barbarian style.

Laying waste to mastodon-riding cave people.

Anonymous said...

Naaahh. LD would be on a Texas Longhorn and AD riding a giant mutant mudbug.
The movie 'splains why Arthur C. Clark passed away this AM - the accumulated drivel was too much for him. RIP.

LittleRed1

Anonymous said...

Eh - last movie I saw in the theater was.....hmm, can't remember. Well, I am looking forward to Indiana Jones, Prince Caspian and Batman. As for this, well Mr. Dog your reviewing fu is enough for me.

Ky Person

Bryan said...

Egad. That sounds truly awful. It might be worthy of an MST3K session but that's about it.

BryanP

Angry Professor said...

I can't wait for this one to come out on DVD. I'm going to throw a party. Y'all can come and watch it and we will drink a lot of beer.

ASM826 said...

But it isn't about history or accuracy, it's about feeeeeelllllinnngs! As long as a movie, a story, a speech, a song, or a protest make people feel the right way, then it's ok. This idea is being applied to great effect to current events in the Mid-East.

Randolph said...

There is a reason they are called 'B' movies - - Has to do with Bovine Excrement IIRC.

Jerry said...

Aww, wth, don’t you know a parallel universe plot line when you see it. A pure fantasy that could have happened in another time line on another planet vaguely similar to ours.

Otherwise I must drink the koolaid.

Simeron said...

Well LD, they do call it fiction at least. You can't say you weren't warned...just not sufficiently so is all...

*Runs away guffawing*

PUT THAT BOULDER BACK...don't use that catapult...it's a historical device the Chinese used in 1950!

Least it will be in the sequel.

*heheh*

Mike Van Pelt said...

Well, that's certainly one abomination I won't have to subject myself to. Thanks!

jhisaac1 said...

'Taint Giant Terror Chickens! Giant Terror Emus!

dfwmtx said...

I expect a movie were Zorro teams up with the 3 Musketeers to save King Arthur from ninjas within a year. But it'll look cool.

And damn, 10,000 BC did look cool, even if none of the advertising had Raquel Welch in a fur bikini. I don't care if her fur bikini was 12,000 odd years too early, it made the movie.

Sharpen the axes, fletch the arrows, and load the longboats; we need to put a stop to these remakes.

Anonymous said...

"Puma Man" still holds the championship as the all-time baddie. And it's not even on DVD.
LawMom

Rogue Medic said...

I never saw "Puma Man."

"They Saved Hitler's Brain" is probably the worst movie I saw.

Horrible acting and the title is more complicated than the plot.

If this guy did "The Day After Tomorrow," that would be a clue to stay away - or to giggle hysterically while watching it on free TV.

D.W. Drang said...

Thank you, sir for saving Mrs. Drang form the embarrassment of being kicked out of a theater when I start yelling at the screen for multiple egregious Crimes Against History.

Anonymous said...

From Joe ex PNG
Now if you want absolute laugh out loud awful, you can do no worse than rent 'Exorcist 2'. The laugh out loud goofieness of that movie must be seen to be beleived.

TBeck said...

MR ducks!
MR not!
OSAR! CM wangs?

I had a really bad feeling about the movie, even worse than the feeling I had about AVP: Requiem.

I bring everyone tidings of gladness and joy: The Mummy 3 will be released later this summer!

The bad news is that Arnold Vosloo will not be reprising his role as Imhotep (the baddest Stygian since Thulsa Doom). The worse news is that Rachel Weisz will not be playing Evie. That role will be played by Maria Bello, so I will reserve judgement.

Brendan Frasier will be playing Rick O'Connell.

TBeck said...

Dammit, I meant Thoth-Amon! Thulsa Doom predated Stygia by an Age ot two. My bad.

How appropriate, my "word" verification is "kqtuhvl".

LabRat said...

I'm glad you posted this review, because otherwise I would have been tempted to see it, and poor Stingray would have been forced to shoot me to shut me up.

markm said...

"I have never understood the appeal of movies with prehistoric settings." Raquel Welch in a cave-girl bikini. (One Million BC, the 1966 version.)

Other than that, I've got nothing. But anything with Raquel Welch in a bikini is worth watching, even if you have to turn the sound off...

Anonymous said...

this one sounds like to may beat
"pootie tang" for worst waste of electrons over time/braincells

now I have to go see it.

r

Strings said...

I had only caught a small teaser on a DVD (and can't remember which one), and thought it looked cool. Sounds like a maybe-rental when there's NOTHING else to do...

Rick R. said...

Oh! Now I HAVE to buy it (second hand) when it comes out on DVD, so I have something to scream at the TV over one stormy day when Wife & Duaghter are out. . .

Think MST3K hosted by the Screaming Guy from the alley behind the bus station -- very cathartic. . .

Bryan said...

If we're going to talk Worst Movies Ever then you can't get away from the trifecta:

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians
Plan 9 From Outer Space
Manos: The Hand of Fate

Although Manos is kinda funny when you realize that it's also the plot to Hotel California.

BryanP

Regolith said...

Heh. One look at who made it - the same people who did "The Day After tomorrow" - and I knew it was going to suck, and that they were going to have all of their facts wrong. The massive stone buildings, which humans didn't start making until thousands of years AFTER 10,000BC, that were present in the trailers didn't help either.

Anonymous said...


Off dale into jungle, where Our Heroes (and Rob Zombie) are attacked by Giant Terror Chickens! Whose remains have only been found in South America, mind you.




Found in Texas and Florida too.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure what you mean by "Giant Terror Chickens", but assuming it is a large flightless bird, shouldn't Australia & New Zealand both qualify? Same with the Madagascar elephant bird.

*not going to watch the movie*

Anonymous said...

It sounds like there is finally real competition for Plan 9 From Outer Space...

Janie said...

Nah, Worst Movie Evah goes to... wait for it...

"Cannibal Women of the Avacado Jungle of Death". Watched that one while drunk on New Years Eve with my three uncles. My Insightful Plot Summary two minutes in was so on spot, Uncle #1 yelled, "Hey! She's already seen it!!!"

It was yet another fine Adriane Barbeau thriller. 'Nuff said.

Christina LMT said...

Thanks for the guffaws, LawDog.
You've convinced me not to see the movie, not that my daughter was about to go with me, anyway (you didn't have to convince HER!)

Worst movie EVER:

Deep Shock

It was so bad, I had to watch it twice because I couldn't believe it.

Anonymous said...

Maria Bello? Oh, ick. Not a good choice.
LawMom

Flintlock Tom said...

Wow!
Picky, picky.

Tolewyn said...

All that is required to enjoy the movie is a "willing suspension of disbelief." heh heh

By the by, hasn't anyone ever sat through The Rocky Horror Picture Show without the accompanying live show?

Also, have we all forgotten Heaven's Gate?

Ok, I'm done. lol

Tole

phlegmfatale said...

anonymous - I thought "Pootie Tang" was so bad it was good. It was not "I'm Gonna Git You, Sucka," but it definitely rates.

If 10,000 BC had to be so lousy, at least it inspired an entertaining bit of reading for the rest of us. Thanks for taking one for the team, LD. You suffer beautifully.

Anonymous said...

The last movie I paid to see was "Lost in Translation" The missus and I watched half an hour of it, got our money back and went for coffee. After that horror we decided it was DVD's at home from now on. The $2.99 ones from the bin in the aisle at Wally World. Then we can either use 'em for targets or give 'em to my brother's kids. Depending.

Gerry N.

RM1(SS) (ret) said...

I'm not sure what you mean by "Giant Terror Chickens", but assuming it is a large flightless bird, shouldn't Australia & New Zealand both qualify? Same with the Madagascar elephant bird.

Do a Google (or other) search for phorusrhacids.

Maureen said...

Um... wasn't there a not-Polaris North Star in 10,000 BC? Used to be Sirius or something?

ColtCCO said...

Yeah, my fiancee loved it. There's no hope for her.

ColtCCO

"gunner" said...

having faith in lawdogs good taste and judgement i will not cry, i will not laugh, and i will not kiss ten bucks goodbye.
"gunner"

Kristopher said...

Blogger Maureen said...

Um... wasn't there a not-Polaris North Star in 10,000 BC? Used to be Sirius or something?


Around 10,000 BC, the north star was Rukbalgethi Shemali ( a star in the Hercules constellation ), also cataloged as Tau Herculis.

Woadwolf said...

-sigh-

This just makes me miss Mystery Science Theater 3000 even more.

Mikee said...

May I recommend "Quest for Fire" as a classier rendition of a prehistoric love story?

Cybrludite said...

Rukbalgethi

Gesundheit!

TBeck said...

But, the willing suspension of disbelief should not manifest as "I cannot believe that somebody made this movie!"

siotwo said...

What they really needed were giant, 2 ft, Chihuahuas to take care of those monster chickens.

I'm still laughing at THAT episode.

bogie said...

Uh, Dog...

Did you share that "prophecy" stuff with Correia yet?

You also didn't say if the schmoopie got naked or not, or at least wore a really kewl fur bikini. That can go a LONG way in making up for Bad Plot Devices.

Bogie

Kevin said...

You may jest, you may object, you may protest, but I am willing to bet that 10,000 B.C. will at some point be shown in a public school classroom - as a history lesson.

And the teacher will have no understanding of anything expressed in this review.

Rogue Medic said...

The day it comes out on DVD it will probably be in the classroom. They probably already use "The Day After Tomorrow" to teach about global warming.

mini-katkat said...

After wishing that I had the previous 2+ hours of my life back following a somewhat forcible kidnapping by fellow geology students to be subjected to a "free" screening of "The Core," I vowed to never again watch a film that takes everything we know about Earth Science and scientific history and turn it into a steaming pile of chimpanzee ammo.

The "Ice Age" animated films were actually ok, given that they possessed some details based on fact... that and they were animated kid movies which makes them much more forgivable than 10,000 B.C.

I cannot even bring myself to call the movie in question a SciFi film due to the complete lack of Sci and the over abundnt amount of Fi. That being said, if one wishes to watch a movie that involves aliens, Egypt, pyramids and the like, I recommend "Star Gate." I balances the Sci and Fi nicely.

Jeff Miller said...

I never bothered with that movie. In the trailers, I saw mammoths, sabertooth tigers and Carnak at the same place and same time.

I decided that I'd just spend too much time climbing my seat.