Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Oh, furtheluva ...

In today's news, we discover the poignant case of young Broderick Lloyd Laswell, currently in durance vile in the Benton County Bed and Breakfast over in Arkansas.

Young Broddy's pitiful tale of woe and despair begins when he -- allegedly -- helped to beat and stab a a man to death before -- again, allegedly -- burning the victim's trailer house to the ground in an effort to conceal the crime.

As the best laid schemes o' mice an' men are aft wont to do, things went all agley, clues started turning up, people started confessing, that kind of thing -- and Young Broddy wound up getting heaved into the county clink.

Now, puir wee Broddy claims to have weighed in at a svelte 413 pounds (that's not a typo -- four hundred and thirteen pounds) upon intake into the facility -- although, to be fair, the jail staff maintain that he was a waifish 382 pounds (that's a '3', followed by an '8' and a '2') when they got their paws on him in September of 2007.

Well, come April of 2008 and our puir wee lambikins is a downright skeletal 308 pounds (that's twenty-two stone for my Cross-Pond Readers) clinging desperately to his six-foot frame.

This, of course, is an injustice too grievous to be borne, so he has manfully presented his concerns to senior jail staff.

Senior jail staff, in the height of their cruelty and barbarism, have informed Young Broddy that he is receiving an average measly pittance of 3000 calories a day!

Since the average Western diet -- eaten by a lot of people who, you know, work for a living -- is between 2,000 and 3,000 calories a day, anyone can see the grave injustice, the damnable cruel inhumanity that is being heaped onto the frail brow of Young Broddy.

How the poor, starving (three hundred and eight pound) skeleton managed to file a lawsuit against the County minions to battle this cruel and unusual punishment (lost a hundred pounds while waiting for his Capital Murder trial to begin! Oh, the humanity!) is a shining example to useless parasitic bottom-feeding scumbag critters everywhere.

*snort*

LawDog

35 comments:

Paul-Michael Bauer said...

Dude must be dumber than a box-o-rocks. Think of the marketing opportunities!
Losing 75lbs in 7 months could make him the Jailbird Jared Fogle.

C. S. P. Schofield said...

The solution strikes me as obvious; feed the swine triple portions of whatever he wants, heavy on the cholesterol, until it finishes killing him. Should cut several years off the usual death-row wait.

Geoff said...

"As the best laid schemes o' mice an' men are aft wont to do"

I beg your pardon, but shouldn't it be "oft" rather than "aft"?

ironpacker said...

I suppose the relevant question is what is the weight capacity of the lethal injection gurney or the chair in the gas chamber. This of course is assuming the wee lad is found guilty.

"gunner" said...

poor fella, i feel for him, but he's out of range.
"gunner"

bob@thenest said...

Unusual, I know, but a few days of publicly announced work-release might do wonders for the situation, doncha think?

Hammer said...

I'm thinking Jenny Craig needs to cash in on this.

Anonymous said...

You know, I could stand to lose some weight I packed on over the winter. I'm gonna be in town tomorrow so i just might stop in up at the sheriff's office and see if I can check myself into the lockup for a while. Sorta like a spa treatment.

Lonestar Gal said...

Here's my question...
Which bottom-feeding lawyer actually thought the poor, starved, mistreated lad HAD A CASE?!? For the love of Pete, Mike & George!
I hope the judge bitch-slaps both the critter AND his lawyer!

Bryan said...

Offer him all the nutraloaf he can stomach.

BryanP

Anonymous said...

Dear me. I hope the judge who gets this case rips off the arms of the lawyer who agreed to represent this tub o'guts and beats them both up.

BobG said...

There are people who pay good money to lose weight like that. The should be charging him for the diet and exercise program he's on.

Anonymous said...

"Aft" the forequarters of a seagoing vessel, wee Ian. "Oft" as in frequently.
LawMom

Zundfolge said...

Just pay this idiot off ... then open a satellite branch in Southern California and charge people good money to lose weight.

The profit will more than offset this idiots payoff (and the rest of the county's expenses for jailing him and his fellow reprobates).

At the very least the warden should write a diet book based on what he feeds his inmates. Would sell like fat free hotcakes.

LawDog said...

"To A Mouse" by the immortal Bobbie Burns:

"The best-laid schemes o' mice an 'men
Gang aft agley,"


Aft!

Maureen said...

Aye. 'Tis Scots spellin'. We'll hae nane of yer mewlin' Sassenach frae Noah Webster.

streetsweeper said...

Me thinks....jails around the United States should adopt Maricopa County, Az's system of operation.....

bigdaddyb said...

...and he's complaining?!?!

I WISH I could drop pounds on 3000 calories/day. PLEASE!!!! Sign me up for that plan!

Wish we could get him into the 'Angola Plan' down here in Louisiana. A little 'time on the farm' will show him what real weight loss looks like.

fuzzys dad said...

These moronic lawyers need to be made to pay for the costs to the county.This is stuff I see working in a prison.

ndenunz said...

What is he complaining about? He is still "at large".

Anonymous said...

I stand corrected.


I stand corrected.
LM

Simeron Steelhammer said...

Well as I am well under the 3000 cal a day diet and STILL am trying to get down to below the 300 mark (and bouncing up and down from 310ish to 330ish by the Lord in Heaven) maybe I should just check thier program out..via the internet of course...and make a..ahem...donation to the patrolman's fund for it?

Course we could send him to the Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona plan for the law challenged.

Pink outfits, tents in the Arizona desert, chain gangs for men AND women (can't discriminate based on sex now) etc...*evil grin*

tacitblue said...

Makes you wonder how many calories he was taking in before.

We only feed about 2400 cal per day. The healthiest I ever see a lot of the folks we get is after they've been in jail for 2 or 3 weeks. It doesn't speak well for your ability to take care of yourself when a steady diet of bologna sandwiches and tv dinners makes a visible improvement in your health.

Incidentally, it's my understanding that Benton Co feeds their last meal around 1530, with breakfast around 0600. heh.

Mike said...

I may just write him a letter, to express my sympathy.

I might even send a waaaaahmbulance.

Anonymous said...

"Please, Sir - may I have some more?"

Heh!

Denise said...

I can see two possible outcomes of this case. First, he can shut up and lose enough weight to fit through the bars and escape, or second, the court could delay hearing the case for another three years, at which time he will cease to exist. I vote for the second option.

"gunner" said...

just a suggestion, maybe we should put him on an exclusive diet of vegemite sandwiches, my aussie friends all say its nutritious and delicious, and swear by it. he could wash it down with that gawdawful green gator urine to stave off dehydration.
"gunner"

"gunner" said...

lonestar gal,
the last paragraph mentions that he self filed the suit, i reckon he couldn't find a shyster to take the case.
"gunner"

Larry said...

Aft is the HIND quarters of a sea going vessel.
The forequarters are "forward", which is where the "head" was on wooden sailing ships.

Cybrludite said...

While I'm trying to shed some pounds myself (I seem to have picked up around 3 stone more than I'd like.), I think I'll pass on this weight loss plan.

Given the astounding weight-loss, I wonder if this thug is from an alternate dimension just like ours, but with the amino acids folded the other direction. I think Niven did a story like that a while back.

Mike said...

It's not unreasonable or unhealthy. Gail lost 2 lb a week the 4 months before she enlisted.

brissen452 said...

Outrageously hilarious =)
Thanks for your posts, you give a very interesting picture of what's happening across the Bering Strait.

Suisan @ aol . com said...

As a resident of Benton County, and a former BC Dispatcher married to a former BC Jail Sergeant all I can say is....

He only dropped 75 pounds? Boy needs to put in a little more walking in the day area instead of lying on the bunk feeling sorry for his self.

The meal times were, not sure if they still are - it's been a while since my last trainee left the hallowed halls of the BCSO Hoosegow - 0530ish for breakfast, approx 1100hrs for lunch and 1730hrs for dinner. Unless Sheriff Fergie has undone all Andy Lee did and totally screwed things up again ... wouldn't surprise me ... the meals are mostly 'cold meals' not hot ones, And, yes, 3000 calories is usually enough to put real meat on the bones of the crank users or to help such noteries as Broddy to drop a few poiunds so they don't look like slobs in their nice suits (that we buy them) in court.

Besides, do you have any idea how hard it is for Omar the Tent Maker to make a tent from worsted wool?

Suisan & Caellagh

Jim said...

Target, fat-ass in the open, will adjust.

Michael Z. Williamson said...

Okay, it seems Porky McPorkChop was starving HIMSELF in order to file a fraudulent suit:

http://metro.co.uk/2008/05/14/thin-mate-punished-for-sandwich-scam-134812/

And now looks almost normal, 5 years into his 1086 year sentence.

http://mugshots.com/US-Counties/Arkansas/Washington-County-AR/Broderick-L-Laswell.6912229/details/