Monday, August 25, 2008

Next time I'll keep my mush shut

Some months ago I stopped off at the Peking Moon for some Egg Flower Soup and fried rice.

As I flicked open my napkin, I heard the male half of the couple in the booth across from mine say -- with a large amount of relief -- "They've got some [deleted] guacamole!"

This caused me to blink, then I looked over at his plate and saw the pile of pale green paste sitting next to some of those fried egg noodles used for thickening soup.

"Self," thought I, "This here is a recipe for unpleasantness" so I said, very gently, "Excuse me, but I believe that is actually wasabi, rather than guacamole."

You know, I was brought up with the understanding that offering unasked-for advice to those who were neither family nor friends just Wasn't Done.

Every once in a while, I am reminded of the wisdom of this.

Gentleman turned to me, and to the evident mortification of his lady said, very softly and in a Not-From-Around-Here accent: "I don't remember asking you a goddamned thing."

Goodness.

"I especially don't need some PC, multicultural, liberal [deleted]wipe telling me what to call something."

I propped my chin in my left hand, feigning an expression of mild interest to cover my right hand casually loosening the lid on the bottle of sriracha sauce, just in case.

"A [deleted] spade is a [deleted] spade and I'm not going to call it a 'ding ding ching how' just because some gook handed it to me." So saying, the gentleman promptly shoveled a large amount of the green paste onto a chip, popped it into his pie-hole and chewed with emphasis.

I'd like to say that I was a big enough man that I didn't smile happily at him when he blinked, coughed, and then shot fluorescent green goo out his left nostril.

But I'd be lying.

If the old boy had a case of the hips towards "multiculturalism", one would have to wonder what the hell he was doing in a Chinese restaurant owned by a Vietnamese clan and employing Mexican cooks to serve Japanese sushi and American BBQ chicken for patrons of various European and African descents? Not to mention insulting a Maltese-American of Scottish and Mohawk ancestry?

Hell, that's practically the United Nations right there.

Ah, well.

Apparently a nasal lavage of Japanese horseradish is not conducive to a Proper Dining Experience, because the gentleman and his lady friend left ... probably about the time his vision cleared enough for him to drive.

Heh.

I am reminded of this nasty little episode because yesterday I was drifting through Intake and guess who was hanging off the bars in the Detox tank slurring threats and curse-words at Detention Staff like an intoxicated gibbon?

Yeppers.

I probably didn't help matters much when I stopped and asked him if he'd figured out the difference between guacamole and wasabi yet.

*snerk*

Karma. It's a wonderful thing.

LawDog

43 comments:

Michael said...

You should have asked him where he was from and if the guacamole there is as bland as cardboard, or spicy - like in Texas!

Sir Guido Cabrone, LC said...

^snicker^

It's true, idiocy has no boundaries!

JeanC said...

SNERK!!!

hehehehehehe, I would pay real money to have seen the whole thing lOL

Anonymous said...

Sometimes LIFE IS GOOD!

X_LA_Native said...

Yeah, I'd pay real money to have seen that too.
Dang!

Toastrider said...

Yeah, seen that one before. You'd think someone who sits down in a restaurant serving Japanese food might realize that guacamole isn't on the menu...

Incidentially, good wasabi will clean your sinuses out right proper. Highly recommended if you feel stuffed up.

Sir Guido Cabrone, LC said...

Just remembered... (It sucks getting old!)

"What we are dealing with here, is failure to communicate."

"Some men, you just can't reach."

Old NFO said...

hehehe- Payback, it's what's for breakfast (with a side of wasabi) :-)

Hammer said...

What a rude fellow. Instant Karma is a rare thing indeed but sometimes the planets align just so.

I used to try to be helpful, but too many folks abruptly declined to benefit from my life experience.

These days I just say:

"Try the guacamole It's great!"

James E. Griffin said...

The character Elwood P. Dowd in the movie "Harvey" has advice I've learned to follow.

"My mother used to say to me...'In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant."

While I have to replace the "or" with "and," I'll tell you that pleasant is not overrated.

Anthony said...

Guacamole at a Sushi joint...multiculturalism really evaded this guy. That is a hilarious story, and karma is a b*tch eh. Glad he popped that whole thing into his mouth and immediately suffered the consequences of being an ass hat.

And someone needs to teach that guy some manners and what it means to be a real man. I would say that boy could of used a good ol' fashioned whooping, but I guess that is what the wasabi did to him!

Doug said...

I got one just about as good...

Say you just finished going through a nasty divorce 6 months ago.

Say you are sorking the County Jail Recdieving when what should you eyes see being brought in all cuffed up nicely?

You ex's lawyer, that's who!

Most fun I had with a search and booking in years.....

Heh

aepilot_jim said...

But if you kept your mush shut, we'd miss out on all this great stories. Karma, ain't it a bitch sometimes. Teehee

Anonymous said...

My darling wife says, "every now and then we get to see God in all his glory B*TCH slap some idiot into next week...."

Semper Fi

Anonymous said...

Who says there's no God?!?!? From Buzzy Whitlow, retired LEO

10% said...

The right cross of karma makes an amazing melodious sound when it makes contact with the glass jaw of idiocy.

RedNYellow said...

That's. Beautiful.

Gerald said...

Reminds me of my first experience with Coleman's mustard. A little bit will do you.

ASM826 said...

I would have been helpless, convulsing with laughter. The follow up in the drunk tank is good karma, but the original event has a beauty rarely seen.

Lergnom said...

"A man's just got to know his limitations."

Excellent story.

RickR said...

I love a good Karmanic slap to the head. Like the moronic kids in the Supra that went blasting down the shoulder past stopped traffic never realizing the car two ahead of mine was a State Trooper. He flipped on his lights & had them pulled over almost instantly. The rest of us got to file slowly by laughing & waving. I yelled a hearty "Thanks Officer!" as I went by. The punk driver was trying to scrunch down & disappear under the floor mats. It was wonderful.

LadyBugCrossing said...

Karma... it really is a wonderful thing...

Anonymous said...

Law Dog,
Please start on the book.....that is all :P

Thanks,
Scott

James said...

Heh. Had a know-it-all (and brown noser and buddy f***er) at the last job who had never had sushi, but was trying to pretend he knew all about it, grab a piece of wasabi and toss it in his mouth...

Tips Dog said...

DON'T WORRY - BE HAPPY !

J.R.Shirley said...

It's like, karma, dude. It'll catch you.

SpeakerTweaker said...

Lawdog = Made of Win.



tweaker

streetsweeper said...

That one is priceless, LawDog! Hehe!

knitalot3 said...

Awesome! I love it when nastiness is rewarded instantly. You gotta savor those moments.

Geoff said...

*Keels over laughing*

Too bad I doubt he'll connect the cause and effect of his discomfort.

Kimmer said...

"Answer a man according to his folly lest he be wise in his own conceit."

Anonymous said...

Happened to a friend of mine at a buffet once. He had no idea what it was, so instead of asking me (or any of half a dozen other friends of his who were also present) what the green paste was, he grabbed a handful and chowed down. Took three of us to stop him from trying to drown himself in a nearby fountain, heh.

J.R.Shirley said...

"Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him."

Anonymous said...

shoulda told him "hey, now try the hot sauce."

pdwalker said...

Beautiful!

Anonymous said...

And then there was the time the totally Anglo Spanish 101 class treated themselves to dinner at the local nosheria, and the teacher, displaying his superior knowledge of Cuisine Espanol, thought the salsa verde was soup.....
LawMom

Anonymous said...

This reminded me of a story a college friend told me in the late 70s.
.
While visiting Kansas City for his brother’s wedding, thieves broke into his car and stole his stereo. Ordinarily, this would be the end of the story but a few weeks later, an officer called my friend to report that they found the bunch who broke into his car, stolen his stereo and sold it for drugs. One will note the use of the word “found” as opposed to words like “arrested” or “apprehended”.
.
The crew was stealing the stereo from another car when the owner came out of a local bar and caught them in the act. Contrary to the characterization by the eyewitness, the owner was likely human as he was wearing clothing.
.
The eyewitness in this case, was the one remaining gang member capable of speech. According to his description, this “Goh-rilla” came up and took the two lookouts one in each hand and smashed their heads together, killing them instantly.
.
Number three, by this time, had pulled out his switchblade. The “Goh-rilla” took the switchblade from number three and used it to cut, chop, slice, dice, fillet and even julienne the original owner of the switchblade. Number three was in intensive care with every expectation of meeting the nice coroner.
.
Number four by this time was attempting to squirm out from under the dashboard. The car’s owner’s stabbed him in the groin several times and left the knife embedded as he dragged number four out of the car by a leg and dropped him on the street. The “Goh-rilla” then got into his car and drove away, driving over number four’s legs in the process. Number four was in the hospital loudly demanding that the police arrest this lawbreaker.
.
The officer noted that they did not anticipate finding the aggrieved owner with the implication that they probably weren’t looking all that hard.
.
Jerry in Detroit
spamtrap19990601 at aol dot com

Rogue Medic said...

Idiots can be very entertaining. Especially when you are not on duty and don't have to fill out any paperwork about the gratuitous display of stupidity.

Anonymous said...

Being the somewhat naive person I am I probably would have said to myself"Should I say something or shouldn't I?" but probably wouldn't have said anything but in this case the end result was the perfect ending for ignorance! As my mama would say "what goes around comes around!"

Enjoyed this story very much!

dr mac said...

"The difference in a word is the difference between lightening and a lightening bug".

-Mark Twain

brian dale said...

I'm late here, but
1) terrific story, and
2) Sriracha: an excellent choice for a "Back Up Sauce!"

techos decorativos said...

Thank you for the post, pretty helpful info.

pdwalker said...

It's even funnier the second time round.

Karma - because God really does have a sense of humour.