Monday, August 25, 2008

The Pink Gorilla Suit

A big part of the Sheriff's "Work smarter, not harder" philosophy involved the fine art of misdirection -- if a subject was so confused that he wasn't per-zackly sure which way was up, then he/she/it/they probably wouldn't be causing the sorts of problems which require extra paperwork. Or ER trips. Depositions. Lawsuits. That kind of thing.

Which brings us to the Pink Gorilla Suit.

*sigh*

Tucked not-far-enough in the back of the evidence closet was a costume that the S.O. had picked up from somewhere. As the name suggests, this was a gorilla costume, mostly pink.

Now, when I say pink, I don't think y'all quite understand the depth of pinkness we are contemplating here: It was pink, pink. Neon pink. Fluorescent pink. A pink not found
anywhere in nature. A pink that, in and of itself, constituted a radiation hazard. A shade of pink which, after a single glimpse, would cause the most flamboyant Mardi Gras costumer to protest that things had gone too far.

Pink.

Now, bad as this mental picture is, the long-ago insane designer of this suit had apparently decided that having only one eye-searing shade was simply too boring, so this poor unfortunate had added spats, gloves, cuffs, a bow-tie and a top hat.

All very natty, and all very mauve.

We will now pause to give the Gentle Reader enough time to fully digest the Sheer Awfulness that was the Pink Gorilla Suit.

Yeah.

Anyhoo, we had gotten a search warrant. Apparently our Usual Suspects had graduated to Methamphetamine, Distribution Of; and had stashed a functioning meth lab inside a garage apartment out behind the house of, and belonging to, the grandparents of Usual Suspect #3.

Our pre-warrant briefing consisted of The Sheriff reminding us of some of the knottier problems associated with executing a search warrant on a meth lab (most of which seem to involve uncontrolled high-speed random disassembly of various items and/or people) and finishing off with a reminder that the Standard Obscenity Procedure for this sort of thing was to distract the critters long enough for officers to secure the scene without any of what the Sheriff referred to as "fuss and bother."

That's when the Chief Deputy handed me the box containing the Pink Gorilla Suit.

*sigh*

There I was, sulking down the street in front of God and everybody, wearing a neon-pink-gorilla-suit-with-mauve-accouterments over jeans, armour and a pistol, with a search warrant tucked securely in my sleeve, and the Sheriff's exhortations to "Be distracting" ringing in my ears.

Bearing in mind that the search warrant was only for the garage and apartment, and not wanting to find myself in Animal Control's Bad Graces (again) I moped up the steps to the main house and rang the doorbell.

Light footsteps approached the door, followed by a long pause. Then the sound of the footsteps heading
away from the door.

*sigh*

I pulled my badge out from the collar of the suit and held it prominently in one paw.

This time the footsteps were accompanied by a heavier tread. I waved my badge at the peep-hole and was rewarded with the door opened just enough for me to be beheld by an
extremely suspicious eye.

I tipped my hat (top, mauve in colour) politely, "Afternoon, sir. Sheriff's Office. Pardon the interruption, but we're going to be serving a warrant on your garage and apartment. The Sheriff told me to tell you that he'd take it kindly if y'all would stay inside the house until we got things under control."

Long pause.

"
Under control" murmured the gentleman slowly as he opened the door a little more fully, "Are you planning on that there control thing happening any time soon?"

Smart aleck.

"Can't really tell with this kind of thing, sir. We'll let you know as soon as possible."

Might as well get this over with. I leaned slightly right and looked around the gentleman to the lady of the house, "Ma'am", tip of the hat again, "Mind if I borrow some of your flowers?"

She looked at me, at the innocent tulips on the edge of the walk, and back to me.

"Umm. Go right ahead. You do know that you're ... pink?"

"Hadn't noticed, ma'am" I lied gallantly, while selecting a pair of yellow tulips that set off the mauve spats nicely, "We'll be around back, if you need us."

I trudged back to the street, turned left and walked down to where the driveway from the garage entered the street. The garage sat about twenty feet or so back, with the apartment being the second floor of the structure.

The only ways in or out, were two roll-up garage doors and a people-type door facing me, and the only windows to be seen were on the side facing the street.

*sigh*

Distracting. Hah.

I looked around and made sure that I was at the junction of the driveway and the public street, set my top hat securely on the mask, straightened the gloves and spats, took a deep breath ...

... and burst into a full-blown, top-of-the-lungs, you'll-bloody-well-hear-
this-one-at-Carnegie-Hall rendition of Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap. While using the tulips as the microphone.

By God.

*snort, snort*

I did the works. Vocals. Back-up vocals. Sound effects. Kinda-sorta instruments. Howling. The whole nine yards.

And, of course,
Dirty Deeds has that lovely guitar solo, which lends itself quite nicely to an air-guitar -- excuse me -- tulip guitar performance.

Well, if it didn't, it does now.

Unfortunately, the tulip-guitar solo kind of led into a dance.

It was fairly energetic dance. And maybe a touch expressive...

All right! There was gyrating going on.

However, I do not think that I was doing -quote "The gorilla version of a fan dance" -unquote; I don't think that you can do -quote "Suggestive things with a hat" -unquote when you're wearing a fur suit over armour and that over jeans; and I do take umbrage at the suggestion that I -quote "Gave them the 'Full Monkey'" -unquote.

Anyhoo, I dug down de-eeeep for that final, "YEARGH!", clutched my tulips to my chest with both paws and slowly, dramatically, and with the greatest amount of majesty that can be summoned while wearing a gorilla suit -- fell over backwards onto the gentle grass.

Hell of a performance, if I do say so myself.

So, I lay there, pondering the blameless sky and trying to remember if, at any time during the Academy, any of my instructors had ever mentioned the words, "Pink", "Gorilla" and "Suit" in the same day, much less the same sentence, when over my natty, spat-adorned (mauve in colour) toes, I noticed some faces in the window panel of the garage door.

I was beginning to wonder if maybe my performance was a little too good, when the door opened and the Usual Suspects slipped out to stand just shy of my fuchsia carcass.

Usual Suspect #1: "Dudedudedude, umm, dude, umm, wow."

Usual Suspect #2: "Umm ... it's ... umm ..."

#1: "Dude, this is, like, not good, okay? Not good, dude. You can't stay here, okay?"

#2: "Umm ... its ... ummm ..."

'Pink', I think to myself, 'pink'. The word you're looking for is 'pink'.

#1: "Dude! Top hat! It's not an 'it', it's a 'he'! See the hat?"

At this point, Usual Suspect #3 -- the only female in the group -- stopped gnawing on her thumbnail long enough to vibrate out, "Chickswearhats.Youlikemyhat!"

#2: "Furry! He's ... ummm ... furry?"

Geez. Behind the group, I see the Sheriff, hands in pockets, grass stem between his teeth, stroll nonchalantly into the structure through the door the Usual Suspects had left open. Right behind him, grinning at me, went the Chief Deputy.

Usual Suspect #1 glared at #2: "Dude, he can't help the way he was born. Dude!"

#2: "Umm ... pink. And pink."

Ah-hah! Thinks I.

#1: "Dude, Pinky. Come on, Pinky. Dude, you can't stay here, dude. Oreos! Pinky, dude, oreos in the kitchen, man. Oreos! Let's go get the oreos!"

So saying, #1 and -- after a short pause -- #2 began lifting me up, and as they got their shoulders under my arms, I saw the Sheriff pop out of the garage and give me a thumbs up.

About bloody time.

I reach into my left sleeve, pull out the folded paper, hand it to Usual Suspect #1 and announce, quite firmly, "Sheriff's Office, search warrant."

Usual Suspect #1 stares at me, then his eyes well up with tears, "Dude, dude, ah man. Dude! We're buds, dude!" #2 pivots slowly and begins to oh-so-innocently wander away, only to be corralled and cuffed by the grinning night deputy.

"No, no, dude," offered #1, as I cuffed him, "No! This ain't right, man! You sold out, dude! That's so wrong!"

I turned him around, reached up, pulled that damned gorilla mask off, dropped it on the ground and shook a hot pink finger in his face, "Listen to me."

All three sets of jaws dropped.

"Are you listening? Quit guinea-pigging the product. Seriously."

I was pretty sure that I wasted my breath, given the completely bumfuzzled expression on the face of #1 as he looked from the discarded mask to me and back again; and #2 was just staring at me with his face scrunched up like a monkey doing a math problem.

And then the magnitude of the sheer depravity that local law enforcement was capable of hit Usual Suspect #3.

"... OhmyGawdohmyGawdohmyGawd," she gasped, bouncing up-and-down like a demented jack-in-the-box ...

"... Nonono,youdonunnerstand,nonono!" She took a deep breath, her expression one commonly seen upon the countenance of saints who have just beheld the vilest depths of the utter darkness of the human soul ...

"THEY."

"SKINNED."

"PINKY!!"

The Chief Deputy was immediately seized by a coughing fit; the Sheriff seemed to find something intensely fascinating in overhead cloud cover whilst rubbing his mustache ferociously; Usual Suspect #1 let out a soul-rending shriek as he fell to his knees, sobbing and nuzzling the discarded gorilla mask, and #3 hurled imprecations and threats in my general direction.

I looked at my fellow peace officers, all finding this to be incredibly funny, gathered my tattered pride and dignity, straightened the bow-tie and spats, extracted my hot pink gorilla mask from #1, tucked it under my arm, announced firmly, "I'm going home, now", turned and began marching down the street ...

... but not before the night deputy slid a comradely arm about my shoulders and said, with steely sympathy: "I know it doesn't feel like this now, but your betrayal was for their own good. Go home. Drown your sorrows in oreos. Things will be better in the morning."

"Oh, you're a right bastard, you are."

LawDog

87 comments:

Orion said...

One wonders - now, now - no need for the sidearm sir! - if there is, perhaps, video of said 'distraction' available?

*hands up in front of me in a very non-threatening fashion*

For training purposes only, you understand...

Orion (now even happier that, as a firefighter, I never need to 'distract' fires)

Anonymous said...

Hallelujah! He finished it! WOOHOO! If I'm ever in TX I've gotta buy you a round! That was funnier than hell!

tanksoldier said...

What, no pics?

Christina LMT said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you! *whew*
Now that I've finished wiping away the tears of hilarity, I have to get my daughter to read this!

Well, you certainly went above and beyond, didn't you?!

Jamie said...

The things you do to "protect and serve". Are there pictures available? I'm not sure that words can convey that kind of costume. A video would be even more helpful.

ColtCCO said...

At last - at long last.

Thank you for the hilarious conclusion.

phlegmfatale said...

Well worth waiting for!

Laura said...

ummmmm....speechless....just....just....speechless....



but....would pay $$ for the video.


:o) Laura

Anonymous said...

At long last, the Pink Gorilla Suit! It. Does. Not. Dissappoint!

Formerflyer

armedandsafe said...

It was

(giggle...snort...haaaaaaaaah)

worth

(wheeze...gasp...snort)

waiting for!

(whistlesnortgiggleguffaw)

Thank you, SIR

Pops
__________________
Armed and Safe - not just a theory

If it is time to bury them, it is time to dig them up.

An international criminal holding down a job and doing good work is still an international CRIMINAL!

unix-jedi said...

I loaded the page.

I did a double-take. Sure, I'm up late. Sure, I've got insomnia recently.

Wiped my eyes twice.

Checked the date to make sure it wasn't April Fools. (It *is* my sister's birthday. Whoops. Yeah, card, mail, posthaste, dammit.)

Reloaded the page, made sure it was showing today's (well, yesterday, cept on the west coast) date....

YES!


Thank you.

Finally! The Pink Gorilla Suit Story!!!

Now, an obligatory whine: Hey! Where's the video? :)

Thanks.

Hammer said...

Where is the video crew for "cops" when you need em?

bogie said...

I think I know those people...

Kelly said...

That was worth the wait! I'd given up long ago on ever reading this one or the rest of the mustache story. This was just spectacular! My ribs started to hurt around the time you fell back on the grass, so I'm down to little bursts of giggles now. That could go on for a while.

jigsaw said...

that was totally priceless ....
i wanna see the video, please ...

Anonymous said...

I believe it would make me rethink my currently low opinion of Reality TV to see this on an episode of COPS....

Ross said...

Wonderful!

Have an Oreo - you deserve it. ;-)

Rob said...

First the wasabi story, now this, all in one day. Can we have more Mondays like this'un? Pleeze?

Many thanks for all the good writing.

Tolewyn said...

Trust me, if there were pictures or video to be had, they would have at the VERY least been on Tolesplace and most likely youtube by now.

**sigh**

There are times that we just have to take his word for it. Although, I would still like to see him grow the lip ferret back just so I can get a few pics to share.

Tole

TIM CARROLL said...

"they skinned pinky"

Priceless!

Dustin said...

I had to take a break from reading that when US#1 deduced that you were male.

Library-Gryffon said...

Wonderful. And awesome.

In all senses of the words.

However, I really should know by now not to read your stories when I don't have an inhaler handy. That much laughter always makes me wheeze.

But at least I remembered not to be actually drinking the coffee....

Squeaky Wheel said...

Wow.

I wish I could have seen that. It sounds EPIC.

If I ever meet you, we're going to karaoke, and you're re-enacting that spectacular performance.

Mark Alger said...

Teehee!

You. Havetobe. Making. This. Up!

Yaaaahhhh!!

::giggle::

DOOD! They skinned Pinky!

ROFLMAO!

M

Anonymous said...

Best. Story. Ever!

fuzzys dad said...

I really enjoy your stories. Looking foward to more of them.

Anonymous said...

Oh man! Hell has totally frozen over! Dawg has finished the Pink Gorilla Suit story!!!!

THANK YOU DAWG!!!!!

--Vic303

The AntiChick said...

Between this and the wasabi story, I think I've laughed more in the last 24 hours than in the last month! Thank you for the mental images! I'm only sad that there isn't video of these. (Is there?)

Tips dog said...

ok i like . is Wonderful!

Chris from Racine said...

That was just too freakin' funny!! I also would love a video...

JimB said...

Worth the wait...

D.W. Drang said...

See, now, Horatio Caine would never have thought this up.

Barney Miller, yes, Jerry Bruckheimer, no. (Dad always said Barney Miller was the only realistic cop show on the toob.)

Thank you, sir.

Michael said...

LOL - Thank you for that. . .

Vin said...

Finally!!! Great story Lawdog!

~Vin

JeanC said...

Oh Goddess, I think I peed my pants laughing so hard.

I just thank all Deities in sight I had put the water bottle down before reading.

No I'm craving Oreos hehehehehe

X_LA_Native said...

For the moment, "They skinned Pinky!" has joined "T'ain't chicken. Emu." in my collection of snort-worthy phrases...

Gay_Cynic said...

Oh, so very worth the wait. *snorfle*

(Possible Pinky Reference (?): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQT5-zx_M-0 )

Well, failing a real-time video, we can but hope for an animated rendering of events. *evil grin*

knitalot3 said...

Oh!OW! Can't. Breathe.

That was so worth the wait. Thanks Law Dog.

I can't wait for "PINKY Rides Again!"

Off to nurse my aching side.....

Anonymous said...

http://www.thehighroad.org/attachment
.php?attachmentid=34090&d=1137470264

Shamelessly lifted from THR's original story thread, pic posted by Big Reno.

Sorry I can't get it to show the pic, but if you run both lines together in the URL window it WILL take you to the pic!

Loving Annie said...

Ha-ha-ha-hooo, that was too funny. Think I'll pass it along to the boys at LAPD Metro and see if they want to use it :)
If you get any calls from the 323 area code...

Sir Guido Cabrone, LC said...

At long last...

Anonymous said...

Fourth down on Google for "pink gorilla suit", btw.

Loren said...

I am spreading this among a few communities who will enjoy the story. They mostly involve people who make and wear more tasteful suits, but they should enjoy it. And photos(of the suit at least) would enhance that enjoyment.

Anonymous said...

My patience rewarded at long last!
WELL worth the wait.

Old NFO said...

LD, thanks for finally telling the REST of the story... LOL It was well worth waiting for!

TBeck said...

Anyone remember that wonderful film, Scavenger Hunt? How about the scene where Trust-Fund-Boy's stuffed animal takes an arrow in the guts.

The poor lad lets slip a shriek of pure shock and horror, "THEY KILLED BUZZIE!"

It's kinda like that.

hilinda said...

I thought that was going to be the last thing I read before heading off to sleep, but now, I'll NEVER get to sleep. I've laughed myself silly.

On the serious side... I found the dialogue to be particularly on-point.

Geoff said...

That was definitely worth the wait to read. I love it. I'm also horribly sad that I could not have seen it play out before my unsuspecting eyes.

That sheriff had a talent for cunning and a prize of an officer like you who could bring it off so smoothly. Bravo.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to shout, "They skinned pinky!" to unsuspecting co-workers and laughing.

Mrs. Who said...

Yep...all I have to do is say 'They. Skinned. Pinky.', and my husband and I have tears in our eyes.

HerrBGone said...

* Prays to Ceiling Cat *

We can has pixurs Plz? Um, or videoz? (Someone must have had a dash-cam running…)

Srsly, I haven’t laughed that hard since, oh, the “guacamole” story! Two classics back to back. Can’t ask fer any better than that! Tknx *ehem* Thanks Law Dog! That was Awesome!

Life on Pause said...

Wow. Just wow. I think I gave my birds a heart attack. K, you really have to warn a person.


Now who wants to join me and Pinky for some nice Oreo's?

sigdoc said...

Thanks, DAWG! I haven't laughed so hard since the story in which you arrested a critter on ice while wearing your Santa suit.

Charles said...

So I'm just wondering...who else thought that LD was channeling Capt. Carrot with a healthy dash of Sgt. Colon while he was working out that front door scene?

RENO said...

http://www.thehighroad.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=34090&d=1137470264

lobo said...

Sounds like quite a show...

If "Dirty deeds done dirt cheap" isn't distracting enough, you could add "Immigrant Song"...

Cybrludite said...

Wow, LD finally posted the Pink Gorilla Suit story. That's what, the fifth seal or the sixth? Well worth the wait, though.

Mama Gaea said...

Just wanted to say I made a LiveJournal syndicated feed for your blog. Biggest laugh I've had in a long time. You can find the feed at http://syndicated.livejournal.com/thelawdogfiles/

Have a Great Day!

J.R.Shirley said...

Yeah. Worth waiting for.

RoaVaPD said...

Way to take one for the team! Thanks for the great laugh!

Kristopher said...

Leaving that story where I could stumble on it in my cube during working hours was just evil.

CountyRat said...

Like most civilians, I often wonder why men and women are willing to endure the hardships inherent with being law enforcement professionals. Then I read LawDod's stories, and I say, "Ahh, THAT'S why!"

wonder_aloud said...

Absolutely wonderful. I was waiting for this.

On a separate note, unless I have missed it, and that is entirely possible, we have not heard anything of your Nana for while. How is she doing?

Anonymous said...

Well, I started in on this as I/we've been waiting waaay too long for the rest of the story. After awhile my vision came back [pink - PINK!] and I finished the story. Now you owe me at least a Dr. Pepper [managed to miss the keyboard, and the living room wall needed painting, anyway].
As usual, thank you for your sevice to the community. Now I'll fall on the floor. OldeForce

Mark said...

Dog, old sausage, I should be passing through Texas this side of Giftmas. It'd be a pleasure and a privilege to buy you a glass of something to honour this set of aching ribs you've given me.

Somehow, you strike me as the Laphroaig type.

Heath said...

BRAVO!

Now, to clean teh Shiner out of my nostrils with wads of Klenex and buy a new keyboard...

outside_of_apex said...

Wow! That certainly beats my story when I got pulled, again, for speeding through Texas by a local yokel wearing a Bugs Bunny T-Shirt :D

Castr8r said...

Two days later, and I had to read it again. I laughed so hard my (idiot) dog woke up and went into the bedroom for some peace and quiet. This, sir, is a CLASSIC! Thank You very much for the entertainment. Oh yeah, don't stop blogging until I'm dead...

Mark said...

Diiiirty Deeeds that are done dirt CHEAP!


Bravo sir!..

And if you have the time could you drop me an e-mail please.....

Rogue Medic said...

Do you do parties, probably with a pink g-string for tips? Kids birthday parties. you could make a fortune leading a tour of historical sights, including those from the LawDog chronicles.

I must confess some foolishness, no much more than foolishness. Something possessed me to pick up a drink and attempt to consume some of my drink - just before:

"THEY."

"SKINNED."

"PINKY!!"

It was almost fatal - not for the computer or the keyboard, but for me and my foolish attempt to protect my future corpse's computer and keyboard. Hmm. Think I need an Oreo.

Somehow, I expect that Angus Young will find out about this and he will feel that all of his stage antics pale by comparison. and that is not a reference to the ability of either you, or Angus, to acquire a healthy tan.

bigdaddyb said...

That was worth the wait LD.

You sir are an American treasure. May your pink gorilla suit story live in lore alongside Paul Bunyan, et al.

brianb

karla (threadbndr) said...

OMG!!!

First - it was SO worth the wait!!!

Second - Pinky!!!!!

Thirdly - SPATS !!!!!!

and I'm still snickering all over the place........

Dog - you rule!

stoney13 said...

OH.......GOD......CAN'T......BREATHE.....IT'S.....POLICE....BRUTALITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ROLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!

stoney13 said...

Man, you are good! That's some funny stuff there! The grand description of the very, profound pinkness, and then the whole "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" scenario!

I really don't understand the hands shown in a non threatening way, though. I can hardly think of anything more non threatening than a glow-in-the-dark pink gorilla with spats and a bow tie!

Of course I live in a little town in the mountains of North Carolina, where pink gorillas are seldom seen, and if one ever was, it would most likely be discovered later stuffed and mounted in some rednecks living room!

IceFire said...

Oh, My Gawd, That was HYSTERICAL, and SO worth the wait! At long last, the Pink Gorilla Suit story. You REALLY should have posted a Class V beverage warning on that one, though! I would pay GOOD money to see video of that performance! Perchance did anyone from the Sheriff's office happen to bring along a camera? (and by the way, making me laugh THAT hard when I've had a migraine all day is just downtight cruel. OH, my aching head!)

As always, LawDog, you ROCK!

Anonymous said...

Kudos on your creativity!

Taoist Biker said...

Long (long) time reader, first time commenter - I just had to pay my respects by nominating you for an "award" (such as it is) over on my blog. Your writing generally leaves me in stitches, and this post is a fabulous example!

(Especially the irony of "Dirty Deeds" as opposed to, say, "Highway to Hell.")

Oh, and thanks for the recommendation of Col. Cooper's "To Ride, Shoot Straight, & Speak the Truth." I read "Cooper's Corner" in G&A religiously when I was a teenager but hadn't heard of this book until recently - no library nearby has a copy, but interlibrary loan is a wonderful thing.

Anonymous said...

You shoulda Rickrolled them.

Brandon said...

I'd have paid good money to see that particular rendition of the AC/DC classic (gyrations optional, but requested).

Well worth the wait!

Webfoot Logger said...

YES!

Thank you, LawDog!

--Webfoot Logger

Anonymous said...

Yes, I laughed uncontrollably.

But I still have one question.

Where is the pink bunny suit now?

Is there an encore in the future?

Anonymous said...

You have just earned a link on my blog. I was referred to this story from the newsgroups, and it was well worth reading. My respect for the police, and for what they'll do to enforce the law, just went through the roof!!

You sir, should receive Officer of the Year award for going above and beyond.

MAJ Arkay said...

I just recovered from a massive coughing fit. I did need to clear out the sinuses and congestion. This did it far better than mere wasabi. Thanks, really.

But I hurt all over from laughing/coughing.

When do you publish your book? :-)

Anonymous said...

Holy *?/!, I'm still laughing!

Mike

quakerninja said...

Hello I am Newman and I design tee shirts.
I would like to make a pink gorilla tee shirt.
If you are interested please contact me at
quakerninja@hotmail.com

I received a request from a fan, but it's your gorilla so I would like to get permission first.

Great stories by the way.
Thank you for your time.

The Scribbler said...

Despite being a high school student of... shall we say, eccentric humor, among people of like-minded humor, this remains the single funniest thing I have ever read. You are truly a master.

DaddyBear said...

You, sir, are my hero.

The Other Elle said...

Loved it!

But I'll never be able to eat an Oreo with a straight face, again.