Sunday, July 26, 2009

MHI

We are informed that the Baen version of Larry Correia's book Monster Hunter International is on the shelves. And, apparently, flying off of them.

Outstanding. Very good news.

If you like late-night 'B' movies; the good guys winning and the bad guys losing; big guns; romance, and good, healthy, creative violence -- then you should read buy this book.

Speaking of one of the reasons I like Monster Hunter International, when did vampires -- formerly the Varsity team for the Bad Guys -- turn into such ... wusses?

Seriously, vampires used to have an entire chapter of the Book of Arse Kicking devoted to them. Yes, they had back-stories, but that was just stuff to fill-in after the initial neck-biting, but before the massacre started.

When Gary Oldman's Dracula lost his girlfriend, did he write bad poetry and mope? No! He took a sword to the interior design, and kicked loyal servants through the bars of their cell.

Not only did Jerry Dandridge fail to agonize over his undead existence, he savoured it. Hell, he even went to the trouble of having dessert after his snacks.

*sigh*

When the vampire appears on the screen, the audience should be urging the heroes to track him down and pound a stake through his undead heart -- the audience shouldn't be wishing that the hero would give the vampire a wedgie and stuff him into a locker.

But that's just me.

LawDog

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Noshies

Take:

About six medium-sized jalapenos
1 block of cream cheese
12 thick slices of glorious bacon
1 pair exam gloves

Preheat your oven to 250 degrees Fahrenheit.

Now, put on your exam gloves. I ain't kidding none. Trust me, you get jalapeno juice all over your crumb-snatchers, then rub your eye -- or worse, go to the bathroom -- and you're going to be One Unhappy Camper.

Grab those peppers, give them a good wash and then gently cut each pepper in half length-wise.

Okay. Look at the inside of each pepper. You should see three ribs and a bunch of little white seeds. These ribs and seeds hold the majority of the oleoresin capsicum of the pepper.

"Oleoresin Capsicum" is a Latin phrase meaning -- figuratively -- "It burns, it burns, oh my God, it burns!""

So. Very Carefully cut each rib away from the wall of the pepper and discard, then scoop out the seeds. Also discard.

Fill each pepper half with cream cheese, then grab a strip of bacon, genuflect in the direction of Ohio, and proceed to completely wrap each pepper half. We're talking mummify that dude.

That should give you about twelve bacon-wrapped, cream-cheese-stuffed pepper halves.

Put 'em on a baking sheet and bung into the oven until your bacon hits your desired stage of crispy.

Voila! Snack food.

LawDog

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Willing suspension of disbelief, my fuzzy butt

Well, we have ventured forth and viewed "Transformers 2, Something or Other" and I am now prepared to give my opinion.

Anyone with a delicate constitution, those who have not yet seen the movie, and folks who had anything -- at all -- to do with this movie might ought to go visit someone on the sidebar while I pontificate.

Are they gone? Good.

Oh my tap-dancing Goddess, does this movie suck.

Bad. Bad, bad, bad.

First off, the plot.

Hah!

You want a plot? You can't handle a plot!

So, anything remotely resembling a plot was replaced by a motley collection of hackneyed cliches randomly scattered throughout a series of standard Hollywood sound stages. And as near as I can tell, the most important member of the production company must have been an inebriated gibbon -- whose drunken staggering from cliche to cliche obviously formed the basis for the storyline.

As bad as that was -- and trust me, it was bad -- as bad as that was, the blatant impossibilities were the absolute cherries on that rotten little cake.

I'm not talking about running in the front door of the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum -- last I checked still on the Mall in Washington, DeeCee -- and running out the back door into Davis-Monthan AFB boneyard, last I checked still in Arizona.

But I can still suspend disbelief on that one.

And I'm not talking about the pyramids being near the beach, when they're actually a couple of hundred miles inland. No, I can suspend disbelief there, too.

Nor is it all that hard to suspend disbelief at Petra, Jordan being right next to Cairo, Egypt -- what's 600 miles in a good movie?

No, ladies and gentlemen, the one impossibility that I simply could not wrap my mind around was that pair of white jeans.

There is no way on God's little green dirtball that you are going to paint a set of white jeans onto Megan Fox, have her run through a college, several firefights, explosions, a car wreck or two, more firefights, the desert, more explosions, and finally rescued by the U.S. military -- and keep those damned jeans white.

Not possible.

I know the military, I was in the military, and the fact that there wasn't a single hand-print to be seen -- not to mention no mud, blood, soot, grease or random stains -- on those jeans is simply not possible.

Yack. No willing suspension of disbelief whatsoever.

LawDog

Word of the Day

Bungee-Cam.

Today's Word of the Day is a reference to a cinematic technique used by Hollywood as a substitute for acting ability, directing ability, talent, choreography, skill and/or training inherent in either the actors or the director of an action film.

This technique is easily reproduced by The Common Man via four bungee cords, a camera, and a set of hapless actors.

Each bungee cord has one end tied to the ceiling, and the other tied to the camera. The camera is then pulled until the bungee cords are taut, and the actors are then instructed to engage in a slap fight -- hair-pulling and weeping optional.

As the actors begin flailing about, activate and release the camera, allowing the bungee cords to catapult the camera willy and nilly through -- and around -- the previously mentioned squabble.

Voila! You have now simulated the use of the Bungee-Cam! Affect an accent, crank your nose 60 degrees skywards, practice snootily announcing that anyone who suffers a near-fatal case of mal-de-mer from watching the nausea-inducing random gyrations of your action scenes simply, "Doesn't get 'cutting-edge' art."

Now you, too, can be a multi-million dollar action movie director!

Bungee-Cam -- simulating talent for the last decade!

LawDog

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Ted Nugent and the 2nd



First off, I'd like to apologize to the rest of the United States for Texas Monthly magazine. The only two times that I've read Texas Monthly, I've been somewhat shocked by the sheer amount of left-wing bias it contained.

I don't know how one could call a magazine "Texas Monthly" when the only articles that I've ever read in "Texas Monthly" were embarrassed by Texas and Texans.

Anyhoo, I digress.

The above is a video clip of one of The LawDog Files' favourite musicians being interviewed by the editor of the afore-mentioned magazine.

You know, there really isn't anything I can add to that.

Preach it, Brother Ted.

LawDog

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Happy Independence Day

The Mistress of Snark offers 4th of July greetings.

Not really much I can add to that, except to wonder when the holiday stopped being "Independence Day" and became "The Fourth of July"?

Why is the simple recitation of a number and a month preferable to what the day is actually about?

*sigh*

Happy Independence Day, Gentle Readers.

Enjoy the fireworks. Spend time with kith and kin, eat too much, laugh long, and love well, but I counsel you: On this day, more than any other, take a few moments to read and ponder the Declaration of Independence -- the document that is the penultimate reason for this day.

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America.

LawDog