Monday, January 16, 2012

Don't read this. Graphic depictions of bodily functions.

One of the few acupressure points that actually seems to work on me is the one for nausea on the inside of the wrist.

When I was younger, I'd do anything to not throw-up. As I've gotten older, however, I fall more in with the whole, "Better out than in" school of thought.

Early this morning, I awoke to my stomach telling me that things were about to go all splodey, so I hie'd myself into the khazi and arranged myself properly.

Unfortunately, moving seemed to quell the savage beast, so I was sitting on the loo, getting more and more miserable by the moment, when I realized that what kept me from puking, might aid the process -- so to speak.

For those of you who don't know, the acupressure point mentioned earlier is on the inside of the wrist. You take a thumb, and press firmly and -- on me anyway -- a lot of times the urge to chunder goes away.

So, I figured if pressing on the inside of the wrist made the pukey feeling go away, then maybe pressing on the outside of the wrist might ... expedite things.

Yeah. We aren't going to touch that pressure point. Ever. Again.

That little SOB must be connected directly to the pelvic splanchnic ganglion because, while I did NOT throw up, stuff was evacuated. And a damned good thing I was sitting on the porcelain throne, might I add?

To get some idea of what happened, understand that when things cut loose, at that moment, in the Old NASA Engineers Home, several members of the Apollo Space Program made little slide-rule motions in their sleep, and smiled.

I can now positively state that my throne has been G-tested.

The .. umm ... performance was so ... umm ... dynamic, that it apparently caused my stomach to go sit in the corner and sulk, because once I got done hanging on to the walls for dear life, I wasn't all that ready to throw-up anymore and staggered back to bed.

Fast-forward some minutes, and my stomach decided that it had the perfect response to the performance earlier, so -- once more -- I fling back the covers and high-step it to the bathroom.

Where I discover that apparently my stomach likes opera. Wagner, actually.

To get some idea of the next several minutes, I'd like you to think of that classic Bugs Bunny cartoon using opera, the one where Elmer Fudd is the viking out to "Kill da Wab-bit!" take the score, and replace the words of the song with variations of "Blargh!" and a gentle undertone of, "Ohgodohgodohgod."

Blargh--bl-bl-blargh, blargh! Blargh, bl-bl-blargh, blargh! BLLAAAAARRGH!!!

In true Wagnerian fashion it went on. And on. And on.

Finally, my stomach dug down deeeep for the last aria, put down the baton, re-fastened the bow-tie, adjusted the tails just so, and regarded my lower GI tract with a "Hmph".

One-upper.

So, how was your day?

LawDog

27 comments:

doubletrouble said...

Wow- Lawdog crap-blogging!
Og will be jealous.
I didn't know you had it in ya, err, or out, as the case may be.

wv: "ristfo"- yeah that's some mighty ristfo.

Gerry N. said...

I'm one of those lucky few who can vomit at will with little or no discomfort, same-o same-o discharging offending materials from the other end. The missus, on the other hand would probably rather die than up-chuck, she makes an absolute production of it sometimes lasting for hours. Seems it got her some much needed attention and sympathy as a wee childe. In my family us kids were encouraged to rid ourselves of offending bits we'd swallowed. Mom's take was that if yer body wanted it gone, it was a good idea to go along with the plan, the sooner the better.

Ambulance Driver said...

{note to self: next time I shake LawDog's hand, see if we can find that pressure point again.]

Jess said...

I'm thinking holding hands could lead to disaster, especially in a crowded movie theater. Then again, the thinning of the crowd might be a benefit.

Robert said...

AD, I've never met you but, you are an evil, evil man. I think I'd like you. If we ever meet, let's just nod hello and skip the handshake thing thankewverymuch. Cheers.

Peter said...

Sounds like the Nigerian space program just discovered a new method of propulsion!

:-)

WV - "lighett" - you were a lot lighett-er after that, weren't you?

Bob@thenest said...

I'm with AD. Would make a hell of a blog post, doncha think? Just not sure whose version would be better, his or yours...

Harriet said...

Truly ROFLMAO!!! AD, you are a twisted SOB...and I admit to thinking the same thing.

Hope everything came out alright in the end, LawDog.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for all that....

Anonymous said...

How can one top that? I bow to the master, (nose pinched)!

Feel Better, Lawdog
Ulises from CA

Wandering Hornet said...

Dang LawDog...I know that you aren't feelin' out in the weather but that was dang funny. Here's to hoping you feel better soon.

Joat said...

While I'm happy that you've been blogging more lately I would have been happy to miss this one, My stomach wants to hum along now.

45er said...

Holy crap! :)

Feel better, though, really. For our sake.

Skip said...

Someone didn't get his flu shot.

Tolewyn said...

Oh, hey LD in case no one has told you, there's a really nasty stomach bug going around.

Glad I could be there with the timely info.

Tole

Anonymous said...

1. Day was batter than that.
2. Hope you're better now.
3. Darn good writing.
V/R JWest

That Guy said...

I'll give you money to teach me that pressure point. I have a feeling that would be VERY useful in business meetings.

Anonymous said...

LawDog, sorry to hear that you're under the weather but thank you for the laughfest this morning.

Suisan
NWArkansas

Jon said...

Oh man.

LD, I feel your pain....

And I'm sorry, but I laughed my butt off...

And doubletree, I think I've got your verification word beat...

woomlexo....

I can almost imagine that sound coming from Casa de LawDog....

Anonymous said...

A more than adequate description of what I went through last Friday morning at 0230 hrs. I thought it was the food(BBQ and two Guinness drafts). Same MO and sure as hell don't want to do that again!

Auntie J said...

Dang.

Hope it [snort] passes soon.

Last time I had a stomach bug like that, I thought for sure I'd thrown my back out in the repeated encores.

Turns out I just had some very confused white blood cells, which had ordered standard flu evacuation routes for a lung-busting case of pneumonia. (The back pain turned out to be pleurisy.)

Sure hope yours is only the stomach flu, and that you feel better soon!

WV: silex. The sound Simon & Garfunkel opted not to write about.

Jim said...

1988. Food poisoning.

Laying on a hospital gurney in the E.R. hallway, doing both of those things, simultaneously. And not just once.

A three day stay, 11 units of I.V. fluid and three units of blood.

Having experienced your travails in the extreme, you have my utmost sympathies.

You know you're really at the bottom of the well, when you throw up your toenails.


Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX

TBeck said...

Mandatory evacuations are rarely pleasant.

Old NFO said...

Oh yeah, THOSE are never fun... Better description than I ever came up with though! :-)

RickR said...

Oh Lord, you have me laughing like an idiot. I haven't giggled like that since Rob (AcidMan) passed on. Having been through a couple of those "adventures", I can relate. Glad you are feeling better, and thanks for the laugh.

Will said...

"Mandatory evacuations are rarely pleasant."

Oh, yeah. Especially the high velocity versions.

My first, and almost only, experience with it was educational. Afterward, I could confirm that Linda Blair's film depiction of it was fairly accurate, except for possibly the head rotation portion.

Got myself positioned in front of the throne, in the proper supplicant's kneeling form, but encountered a stability problem. Seems the recoil energy/jet thrust overwhelmed my four-point stance, flipping me backwards onto my butt, and ending up with my back flat on the floor. The ejecta left a trail that stretched from the underside of the lid all the way up the wall and onto the ceiling.

Over the next couple days, I made the aquaintance of a number of muscles that were very unhappy with the stress I subjected them to that evening. I recall checking to see if there was a license plate imprint on my gut, because I was sure someone had hit me with a Checker Cab at the very least!

Krysta in MKE said...

Only you could make being so sick be so funny.
I'm reading this in early March, and you say you're feeling much better now, which is a Good Thing.