Sunday, April 08, 2012

The First Migraine Salute

The Scene: A Roman centurion briefing the on-coming shift centurion, about two thousand years ago, or so.

Day shift: "You really should have called in sick."

Swing shift: "What could possibly be so bad in this little burg?"

Days: "Well, to start off with, you remember that suicide your boys found hanging around yesterday?"

Swings: "Yeah, what about him?"

Days: "Turns out he was somebody's CI."

Swings: "You know what they say, 'Snitches get stitches.'"

Days: "Think Homeland Security. We've been hip-deep in paperwork and secret squirrels all day. Two of 'em specifically want to talk to you."

Swings: "Oh, great. Crap."

Days: "Three of my boys are over on East-side, trying to talk a 10-96* off the ledge. You get to do the commit paperwork on him."

Swings: "What's his malfunction?"

Days: "Oh, he swears he just saw his best buddy walking around the market this morning. Trouble is, Best Bud is DRT**."

Swings: "We sure?"

Days: "Dead and planted, but the guy swears he saw him. Real twisted off about it, too"

Swings: "'Retire to Judea', the wife says, 'It's a nice quiet backwater', the wife says, 'No Germans swinging bloody huge swords at your neck', the wife says ..."

Days: "Speaking of, the lady in the lobby is all yours."

Swings: "What?"

Days: "She swears that she's lost a body."

Swings: Long silence.

Days: "Hey, I just report the facts. Lady says she went to check on someone she buried two-three days ago -- I'm not real clear on the relationship -- but when she went to check this morning, the body is gone."

Swings: "Oh. Great. Do you have any ...?"

Days: "Aspirin is in the top desk drawer, next to the Maalox. Have all you need, my happy butt is going fishing for the next two days."

...

Lord, forgive me for that, and bless all of the li'l pygmies in New Guinea.

(Even if I am a little late.)

Happy Easter, Blessed Pascha, Happy Resurrection Day, Joyous Eostre's Day and any other holiday I might have missed.

LawDog

* 10-96: Severe Emotional or Psychological Issues.
**DRT: Dead Right There.

15 comments:

Peter said...

And the blessings of the season to you too, good buddy. Try not to let any of your inmates pull the 'missing stone' escape trick on you, OK?

;-)

Anonymous said...

Snicker, snicker. It took me a couple paragraphs to catch on. Well done, sir and I hope your Easter was both blessed and calm.

LittleRed1

Rorschach said...

Could you imagine how society, the Mental Health Community, and the Law Enforcement Community would have treated Jesus under today's standards?

Dave H said...

That would have made an interesting COPS episode.

It took me a couple tries to figure out who the CI was.

Borepatch said...

We've been hip-deep in paperwork and secret squirrels all day.

LOL. Hope you had a Happy Easter, LawDog.

Old NFO said...

VERY good one LD, thanks!

jbrock said...

Nicely done!

Diamond Mair said...

Good Job, LD .................. ;-)

Ummmmm, by-the-bye, are you not heading north-ish as we read/write? I seem to remember a little something about you being credentialed for the NRA shivaree this week .............. GET'EM, DAWG!

Semper Fi'
DM

Drang said...

Could you imagine how society, the Mental Health Community, and the Law Enforcement Community would have treated Jesus under today's standards?
Didn't Tolstoy or Dostoevsky do a short story about how the Spanish Inquisition would respond...?

Tola said...

to be sure, i do think our Good Lord probably had a private smile at this.

Jennifer said...

Nice! I love it.
If I can post that Jesus gave Satan the finger, you can post the play by play

Steve said...

Took me till almost the end, but I got it. Thanks for a new perspective on one small part of the greatest story ever told.

Rick Street said...

Happy Easter LawDog

Alisa said...

Beautiful!

And a belated happy Resurrection Rabbit Day and Happy Passover to you too! :)

Bergman said...

@Rorschach:

Well, in a way it happens all the time. Someone gets a number wrong on the SSN when reporting a death, and the next thing you know, you literally have a dead man (at least as far as the feds are concerned) walking around.