Tuesday, September 03, 2013

This seems to be going well.

Today's summation was the introduction of Eduardo, a character who caused me no end of grief -- from all sides -- during his short tenure at Bugscuffle County.

LawDog


Good morning ladles and germs,

To start out our night at River properly, Inmate B decided to play possum after headcounts. He refused to stir for officer shouts and banging on the door, and when we went into SHU/23, he didn’t respond to shaking, tapping or sweet nothings bellowed into his ear. I was trying to decide if I could creatively articulate getting a response with a drive-stun when apparently his telepathy decided to kick in and he said Bad Things to us. Which is good enough evidence of being alive in my book.

River did water-checks at 0256; and shook-down East/3. We came up empty-handed, which considering that our inmates are not that well-behaved, makes me wonder what new hiding place they’re hiding their stuff in these days.

Central/North did their water-checks at 0106; and Central/Female at 0103. Central/Female also shook-down Female/9 and came up with several extra blankets. However, they also report that while the trusties were in the visitation area during the shake-down, two of them got into each other’s faces. Seems like all is not happy in Trustieland.

Tonight’s medal-winner in the D’oh! Contest is Inmate G in Intake. By all accounts the wee lass got nicked by PD for DWI, was delivered into our tender custody and wound up in Detox/2 for Grand Mopery and Contempt of Cop (misdemeanor). Once there, she proceeded to throw one bee-yoo-ti-ful wall-eyed, ring-tail temper tantrum. As uncle to several sprogs betwixt the ages of two and nine, I can recognize true artistry in fit throwing, and this was One Of A Kind.

She screamed, hollered, beat on the bench, spun in circles on the floor, kicked the door, all the usual, but what elevated this performance to High Art was when she took off her jeans and used them to beat the unoffending cell camera until the picture fuzzed.

The Intake crew, being the unappreciative Philistines that they are, took a dim view of this display and chained her drunk butt to the bench. One would have thought that this would have been the curtain call, but our Intrepid Damsel proceeded to take off her shirt and strangle her-own-self with it. Which got her stripped nekkid and placed on Suicide Watch as well as being chained to the bench. Goodness, I hope that was all worth it.

As I write this, we have some kind of kerfuffle in West/8.

I’m back.

Inmate M has decided to remove himself from West/8. According to Inmate M, Inmate J sent another inmate to Inmate M to inform Inmate M that Inmate J did not want him in “his” tank. Goodness. ‘T’Were I a betting man, I’d lay money that the inmate delivering the message is going to be Inmate T. I may have made a strategic error in moving those two from Central/North/6 a while back. Anyhoo, Inmate M has been moved to West/1, and when I get back to River tonight, I’m going to separate Inmates J and T; with a Separation Notation in both their records. And depending on my mood, I’m liable to see how far I can spread the inhabitants of West/8 around.

In other news, I have discovered that a field mouse has taken up residence in River Control Room. The kids have named it “Eduardo”. While intriguing, I have scotched the suggestion that Eduardo be sponsored through the Basic County Corrections Course; and as soon as I can snag his little butt, Eduardo will probably be taking a “vacation” by way of the Porcelain Express.

Hmm. That’s about it, I think.

In closing,

LawDog, NCOIC
Bugscuffle SO

15 comments:

GaryM said...

Keep it coming LawDog. As someone who's reached 67 years on earth with no law enforcement interaction other than a few traffic tickets I find it fascinating reading.

My Great Nieces husband is a CO here in Missouri. Would it be OK if I consolidated some of your recent posts and emailed to him? Along with your blog address of course.

Ambulance Driver said...

I am disappointed.

As a jailhouse mouse, he could have no other name besides "Mr. Jingles."

dave said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dave said...

Deletion was my lesson in not commenting before I read the story. D'oh!

Anonymous said...

"Porcelain Express" reminded me:

A few mornings ago, I stumbled into the kitchen. Something was coming between me and my coffee. The little gray bugger was trying to escape from the sink where I wanted to get the water for the brewer. I opened my eyes a bit further.

I tried to capture it for a dog treat. Reading my intentions, the little critter found a place to hide: down the drain. I shrugged my shoulders, turned on the water, then turned on the garbage disposer.

Poor deprived dogs!

- paxillated

Anonymous said...

Would it be too much to ask for....return of the pink gorilla suit? Picture of inmates expressions upon embracing the magnifigance of this tactical apparatus would be nice....but it would insult these poor souls rights. Shame.

Keep up the good work. Fortunately my portable internet thingy is IP-something proof....at least it Works after being soaked in coffee. That's not in a cup.

Old NFO said...

Another great one... Looking forward to Eduardo's story! :-)

Old NFO said...

Another great one... Looking forward to Eduardo's story! :-)

Cath said...

LawDog? What does "water-check" mean, and why do they happen at night?

momiss said...

This is eerie. I think I work with inmate G in intake.
I have seen ALL THAT at work with the exception of taking off her pants and beating a camera or trying to choke herself.
Seriously!

Anonymous said...

Do continue. I'm pretty similar to GaryM, less the traffic tickets. Love the posts and look forward to new ones!

Anonymous said...

Cath,

A water check is where you flush every toilet and urinal, test every drinking fountain, and test every water tap. They happen when the inmates aren't using them.

MKEgal said...

I'm far from a "bleeding-heart liberal", but it seems wrong to roust people out of bed in the middle of the night just so you can search their stuff.

Why can't it be done during the day, perhaps when the group is otherwise occupied & not at home, so to speak... gym, work, outdoors?

"You go play at recess, kids, mama needs to clean your room."

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Webfoot Logger said...

I expect the searches are done in the middle of the night to give the inmates less chance to hide things or plant them in another inmate's cell.