Thursday, December 08, 2016

Yup. Buggered up a perfectly good monkey.

I was swinging through the office this morning, in search of a cup of coffee that wouldn't put up too much of a fight, when one of the front office ladies -- the perennially perky one, and I do realize that's not much of a distinction -- caused me to pause in my search.

"'Dog," sayeth she, perkily, "I don't see your name on the Angel Tree."

The office has this tradition where you draw names and ID info of disadvantaged children from around the community, and then you buy gifts for that sprog.  Rather charming, really, but after the Event of 2009, I discovered that you can also send the charity HQ money, and those worthies will take care of buying presents for the kid.

I am blearily eyeing Her Perkiness, trying to organise the words necessary to tell her so, when another office lady button-hooks the partition, frantically waving her hand in front of her throat, "No!  'Dog isn't allowed to help with the Angel Tree!"

We both look at Office Lady #2 -- one of us more squintily than the other -- and #1 queries, "Well, why on Earth not?"

That worthy responds:  "In 2009, 'Dog pulled the name of a twelve-year-old girl from the hat."

"Ok," says #1.

Here come the tones of moral outrage, "He spent fifty dollars on her!"

Office Lady Numero Uno says, somewhat placatingly, "Well, that is a little excessive, but I don't ..."

"$50 worth of pepper spray, a flashlight and A HUNTING KNIFE!"

I protest.  It wasn't a hunting knife.  It was one of those little fixed-blade jobbers you used to be able to get from Cold Steel, had about a two-inch serrated blade.

Perky Office Lady #1 guppies at me for a second, then (in mildly outraged tones) demands, "Why, in God's name, would you give a knife to a little girl?!

My buddy Tam has a great many quotable things to say about carrying a knife that I have memorised for occasions such as this.  One of my favourites is:

"Hell, carrying a sharpened rock around in case of future need is basically how we tell where the apes stop and the people start in our fossil family album."

We love Tam, and if you're not reading her blog, you're missing out.

Anyhoo, I had that little quip all memorised, and when I opened my yap ...

"Because nothing drives home: 'Keep your meathooks off of second base until I decide differently' quite like a strategic shanking."

... came out.

I blame the lack of caffeine in my circulatory system.

As both Office Ladies disappeared in the vague direction of the powder room, I continued my quest for the Holy Java Bean of Life, stepped around the cubicle wall, and ran into the Chief Deputy, sipping coffee and eyeing me amusedly.

"Morning, boss," I say, trying to figure out if he left anything in the pot.

"'Dog," he responds, "The inside of your head is a weird place.  Don't ever change."


And that is Reason #243 that LawDog shouldn't be allowed anywhere near people.



Evyl Robot Michael said...

You'll have to remind me to tell you the story of when Jennifer's friend came to visit us one day with her cute little 6-y-o daughter. It contains the line, ", I did what any responsible adult would, and handed her a machete to make the job go quicker. 'Don't worry,' said Jennifer to her wide-eyed friend, 'he won't let her hurt herself.'" Indeed, that was a bad day to be a root sucker on the tree in our front yard.

Anonymous said...


Seems they never learn. Thanks for the most effective giggle snort.

Sarge, Out

Monkeywrangler said...

Oh my, you made my Friday complete!

Old NFO said...

Yep, that's you... And you're exactly right. Not that I ever gave anything like that to my daughters...

Keads said...

Ha! Thanks for that!

pigpen51 said...

I can't believe that I never had you bookmarked. I do now. I don't think that I have been without some kind of knife in my pocket since I was around 9 years old. Ever. I played sports in school, so when I changed into my football uniform, my pocket knife hung on a hook in my pants pocket in the locker room. nobody cared. I have carried up to 4 knives at one time, in the past. Now that I am retired, and can carry my firearm at all times, I think that I am down to only 2 or 3, unless you count the one on my leatherman. But each one is for a different purpose. Wait, I am down to 2,I gave my CRKT Drifter to a young man that worked with me at the place I just left. 19 years old, doing mobile home repair, and he didn't carry a pocket knife. He does now. Glad I found you, great post, and you are my kind of crazy person. The sane type.

Anonymous said...

When asked if I have a knife, I always drag out a quote from my grandfather - delivered with just the right combination of incredulous scowl and and growl, "Well, I'm wearing pants aren't I?"

Jennifer said...

What's wrong with your gift choices? I think you did quite well.

Skip said...

But did he leave any coffee?

GaryM said...

Yep, always carry a knife, and a flashlight too. I have three sets of vehicle keys and each one has a small, but bright, flashlight attached.

About the only time I don't have a knife on me is if I'm in bed. But there's one in my nightstand drawer right next to the 40 caliber pistol.

Jacopo said...

Wife asked me to put this:

'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.
'What if she cuts herself?'

Comrade Misfit said...

Yeah, well, {scuffle}

I was the guardian ad litem in a post-divorce child custody case where both parents were about as hateful as it comes. The judge asked for my recommendation. I said something about cuffing each parent to an engine block, dumping them both into the river and if one lived, that parent could have custody.

Anonymous said...

Funny. My 13 yo granddaughter, black belt I karate, is getting a cold steel 4" fixed blade from me for Christmas. Funny that same granddaughter has an AR15 to build soon too. Waiting for the laser engraving of a wolf on the magwell so she and her father can paint the parts before final assembly.

Wombat said...

I would have loved to get that stuff when I was that age (and, yes, I am female, so I was a girl at one time, even if I didn't dress or act the part very well), particularly if it was in stead of the lipstick and nail polish one of my well-meaning grandmothers got for me[it wasn't any good for war paint]. What could be better than the gift of protection? Knives have so many uses. I started carrying a pocketknife at age 8 and have usually carried one since. Flashlights are also generally useful and I've had one or more since I was 7. Pepper spray is a more recent acquisition, but I see no reason not to start them young. Some people just don't recognize generosity even when it is biting them in the posterior.
I do have to agree with your superior, though, definitely don't change.

Robert said...

Your choice of gifts for the young lady made me hurt myself laughing. They were a wise choice.

Will said...

A little while back, Tam quoted her roommie*:

"a person without a knife is just a monkey with a good haircut"

(I hope I got that correct. I looked at both their blogs, and couldn't find it. My google-fu is weak)


Anonymous said...

Hmmm .... can't be much of a knife after you have bought the flashlight and pepper spray.

Next time just spend the $50 on the knife ... Ahem! >};o)

Phil B

DesertRat said...

I've been away too long...


DesertRat said...

I've been away too long...


Robin Bobcat said...

You have a good wife.

Bibliotheca Servare said...

I...I love this story. Love it. I'm grinning like a loon right now. *happy sigh*

Clinton J said...

If this is what your book is like, I just might have to buy it!