Tuesday, February 07, 2017

Well ... that's awkward

In addition to her other good points, Herself is a perfumista, and as a result, I have noticed that my cologne collection has substantially improved.

I have briefly found myself reassigned to shift; and when I was getting ready for work, I grabbed a random bottle and gave myself a brief spritz.

Later on -- because I'm me -- I wound up on top of a critter at the bottom of a pile of officers, and I am Doing Things That Hurt to the critter.

After he's handcuffed, we "assist him in getting to his feet", he looks at me through the tears and snot, a beautiful bruise blossoming at his jaw hinge where I have attempted to scratch the inside of his brain housing group with my thumb, and mumbles, "Damn, LT, you smell good."

I look at him, eyebrow climbing a little, and one of my female officers on the far side of the critter gives a little shrug and says, "Yeah, LT, you kind of do."

I'm afraid that my reputation as a screaming nightmare may have taken a nasty hit. It's hard to terrify people when they're sniffing appreciatively.

Sigh.

Wonder if there's a cologne distilled from arson and massacres?

LawDog

28 comments:

Rev. Paul said...

I believe there's one that smells like Hoppe's No. 9. Just a thought, although I'm holding out for one made from cordite.

phlegmfatale said...

Try this one:
http://www.luckyscent.com/product/31712/no-8-by-brent-leonesio-by-untitled

Do not wear it around me, though. I saw one reviewer once say that it should be called "Cavity Search," dents or rectal. EW.

Indoles. Yuck.

phlegmfatale said...

Dental, meant to say.

Suz said...

Lol. You just need to tell them that when they are as good/successful as you are, they can smell as good. The sweet smell of success, don't you know.

It falls under the category of "if you got it, flaunt it". After all, how many times do you folks have to manhandle folks that do not have a close or recent acquaintance with soap and water, as a result they are rather stinky? Or do not have a perfumista of their own? You are leading by example of what to do and how to smell good, as well as the benefits of smelling good! :)

Skip said...

I second Hoppe's No. 9..heh.

Old NFO said...

Hoo boy... There goes the reputation... LOL

KBCraig said...

Herself might disagree, but try this assortment:

https://www.amazon.com/Liquid-Ass-Tex-Ass-BARFume-Assortment/dp/B00UVP34AM/

Joe Allen said...

"Wonder if there's a cologne distilled from arson and massacres?"

It's the signature fragrance in the Ke$ha collection.

Gaffer said...

Keep the cologne, the dichotomy of attitude and odor will keep everyone on their best behavior.

Forkboy said...

Best ones I can recommend would be:

http://www.zomgsmellsshop.com/sr-71-bakery-van-1/
or possibly
http://www.zomgsmellsshop.com/elder-spicecake-1/ - depending on the levels of existential horror you want to channel.

C. S. P. Schofield said...

I don't use cologne, I smoke cigars.

Seriously, though, I sympathize. I looked for years for a sad that a) didn't corrode my skin and b) didn't smell like a Parisian house of negotiable affection. I eventually struck Pears (original).

Anonymous said...

yep - your street cred is definitely up the fritz.

Scratch "The Lavender Cowboy and sing along to it with "The Lavender Lawman" instead... >};o)

Phil B

Rick Street said...

Hoppes is goOd but I prefer WD-40

Retired Mustang said...

LEO friend of mine says he has one that smells like bacon and Bengay. Would that be better?

Anonymous said...

You know, they've recreated Napoleon's "eau" ... Perhaps you should wear it?
http://www.parfums-historiques.com/boutique/en/home/12-eau-de-cologne-napoleon-1er.html
Ulises from CA

MMinLamesa said...

Well this post was my intro to your blog. And quite a fine one to boot I might add. I shall see what I see I guess.
MM

Wandering Neurons said...

JP-8 and MIL-L-5606. Add a touch of hydrazine or O2 for a teaser. Slather liberally but not around an open flame. Sanitizes open cuts as well.

dmurray said...

Great War Story! The most original I have heard. We all have a few but the hook here is new to me. Everybody lived, yay!

pdwalker said...

Bwahahahahahahahahahhhaaaaaahaahahhaha....

Told in the way that only Lawdog could tell.

Seriously though, where's the book?

FarmGirl said...

Don't sweat it, LD. All you're doing by smelling good is causing confusion amongst your opponents.

Elizabeth said...

"Wonder if there's a cologne distilled from arson and massacres?"

Is THAT why Axe body spray smells so very, very, bad?

richard mcenroe said...

Ya wanna scare someone, wear a cologne distilled from tax audits and property assessments...

Gopher said...

At least you were not wearing Old Spice and trying to corral a female. The following Daddy issues might have been epic.

Unknown said...

http://www.duffelblog.com/2015/06/yankee-candle-flashback/

Anonymous said...

You could always take horror to a whole new level . . . and simper at the commentators!

Rather like the effect of finding out that cheerleader you've been admiring at a distance and preparing to hit on is a 6'8" 280-pound logger!

THAT was the stuff of legend!

--Webfoot Logger

chuck w said...


"Wonder if there's a cologne distilled from arson and massacres?"

If there's not, there should be.

Larsen E. Pettifogger said...

I think you are looking for a cologne called, "Napalm in the Morning".

MAJ Arkay said...

Harley-Davidson offered a candle that purported to smell like chrome. It didn't.

You could just wear Hoppe's No. 9 and/or WD-40 to work, saving the nice stuff for Herself.

Or you could embrace the whole experience and wear a different one according to the day of the week. After a while, your "guests" would know which day by how you smell.....

Then, again, you could use deer musk, but that would drive all the employees out the door, leaving you to deal with your "guests" alone....

Yeah, best to simply embrace the whole experience.