Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Surely they're not that dumb.

Got some reader feedback concerning the story about Pearl and the steaks; seems some folks find it a little difficult to believe that critters are actually that stupid.


I'm here to tell you that plan of Pearl's was rocket science compared to some stunts I've seen pulled.

When I got into peace officering, I had dreams of matching wits with the kinds of Bad Guys that I'd seen on Monday Night crime stories. I thought the standard cunning, crafty, and devious critter as portrayed by Hollywood was the norm.

I even had some doubts that I'd be up to the task of matching some of these criminal masterminds.


There is a theory going around that criminals commit crimes because they are too lazy to earn an honest living.

I hate to break the news to you, but near as I can tell the Mark 1, Mod 0 Critter (Generic) commits crimes because he is too damned dumb to do honest work.


Those faces you see every week on
America's Dumbest Criminals are not the dumbest criminals -- they're your normal everyday Standard-Issue criminals.

My paw to God -- you can ask Reno about this -- in our jail at this moment we have a critter who just wrote a letter to the Prosecution's Main Witness against him. In this letter, the critter has gone into graphic detail about the retribution he will visit upon the witness if said witness testifies against him.

He then wrote that the witness could go ahead and tell the police about the threats, because it would be the witnesses word against the word of the critter, and the critter would deny ever having threatened the witness.

He then signed the letter, dropped it into an envelope, licked-and-sealed the envelope, hand-addressed the envelope to the witness and personally handed it to the mail officer.

*blink, blink*

In my county, anyone who has been arrested for a class 'B' misdemeanor or higher must go through what is called 'magistration'. That is where a judge tells the subject what he or she has been arrested for, reads them their rights and sets a bond.

We recently started using a video set-up to do this -- the inmates sit in a room with a camera and a TeeVee and talk to a judge in another building with his own camera and TeeVee.

These cameras and microphones are connected to a DVD recorder which is always on.

Reno and I tell these people to keep their mouths shut. We inform them of their right to remain silent, we inform them that they are being recorded, and we inform them -- firmly -- that the DVDs can be sub poena'd by anyone.

After all that, we still get critters who stand up and say things like:

"Officer 'Dawg, how can they charge me with distribution when I was only holding a couple of pounds of weed?"

"Don't worry, bro, they ain't got [deleted]. I hid the [insert description of stolen goods here] in Big Poomba's storage, and the Task Force will never think to look there!"

"Officer Reno, do you think the judge would give me a PR Bond? I didn't really mean to hit anyone when I was shooting up the house, I was just trying to scare the folks inside."


We've got a dealer who's sold meth to the same undercover officer driving the same vehicle six times in a row. Which isn't so bad, except that the last time the dealer walked up to the truck, he says "Hey! I know you! You busted me before!"

To which the undercover cop responds, "Yeah, but I didn't mean it."

Critter pouts, "Man, you really hurt me with some of those things you said when you testified against me the last time."

Cop says, "Hey, man, sorry about that, but you know my bosses -- they get kind of single-minded about this kind of thing. Got twenty dollars worth?"

Critter digs around his BVDs, "Yeah, hang on. Here you go ... oh, [deleted] you're going to bust me again, aren't you?"

I swear to Shiva sometimes I think the State of Texas needs a "Not Guilty By Reason of Stupidity" verdict.

Oh, well, if they were smart, I'd be out of a job.



garys said...

As long at there are stupid people, we in public safety will have jobs.

You at least don't have to deal with the people the transit police have to. People who are too stupid to steal a car and have to use public transportation to make their getaways.

Like that's going to work.

none said...

Isn't Darwin supposed to be helping us out with these folks?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Hammer, it was supposed to happen that way and then some folks decided we needed to feed and house the envious and slothful; that did away with them freezing and starving. The same do-'gooders' set about disarming the smarter, harder working among us so there went that aspect of natural selection for the stupid and vicious.

Anonymous said...

So much for natural selection.

I've seen so much stupidity lately...nothing really surprises me anymore.

BobG said...

Natural selection IS working; it's just that we've made the qualities of stupidity and laziness desirable.

Anonymous said...

Can you tell us some more about Reno?

Anonymous said...

In reference to Monday's post: you seemed surprised by the attitude of the roadside scammer.
In the light of Tuesday's post...why?

FLintlock Tom

The Raving Prophet said...

The sum total of the intelligence on the planet is a constant.

The population is growing.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget about all the safety features that are becomming mandatory on everything. It used to be, if you were dumb enough to stick your foot/hand under a running lawn mower, you learned REAL QUICK your mistake. ....and it may have made you less desirable as a potential mate (not having a hand), therefore maybe less potential for offspring. Now, we have automatic shutoff if you let go of the handle.... etc... etc.... etc....

MadRocketScientist said...

There are smart criminals, they are colled corporate executives, professional hitmen, and politicians. Catching them is more a matter of luck or lots of hard work.

Oswulf said...

Half a lifetime ago I did a stint as a law officer, decided it wasn't for me but I have enormous respect for anyone who can do the job well.

Nowadays I'm a pawnbroker, seems I get the same customers as I got when I worked as a cop. Still just as bright too. I have a large sign on the front desk saying I give a full report to the police of everything I buy or pawn every month and I require ID to do so. Some bright bulbs will cheerfully hand me their ID along with their stolen merchandise then have the gall to be surprised when the cops show up at their door to take them away. When the morons get out they try to come back and sell me some more, of course once someone sells me stolen goods I flag them so I never buy from them again. But I will let the police know what they tried to sell me.

And why is it these same boobs think I'm interested in their life story or the laundry list of their problems? Do I look like a bartender? Do I look sympathetic? Sheesh!

Anonymous said...

I used to think criminals were a crafty lot to. Figured they were all like Nicholas Cage in "Gone in 60 Minutes". But then I started really reading the papers about who was caught around here, how they were caught, and finaly I figured out the ones like Raines are maybe 1/100th of one percent of the criminals. Here in Tyler, Texas we actually have murders that go around showing the dead bodies to all their classmates, others that kidnap, leave notes, phone calls, etc..., and then are supprised when they make contact with the victims people they are FBI agents (and yet, they still murdeded the victim beforehand, and told the FBI were the body was.) I really think they belived the feds when the FBI told them they were here to 'help you'.

We have all kinds of petty burlaries that do stupid things like look INTO the survalence cameras (and leave the tapes.)Leave their wallets, leave their checkbooks, leave their cars even!

Yes, we have made the world safe for idiots and then we are supprised there are so many.

Anonymous said...

God sure must love stupid people because he sure made enough of them.

Unfortunately, I have to work with more than a few of them.

Just Another Old Geezer said...

An FBI agent I was dealing with once told me "they can't be to smart 'cause we catch 'em." He had just told me about an idiot that robbed a bank in Lakewood, Ca and stuffed the money (with dye pack) in his shirt. The dye pack went off, burning him. It caused him to run into a traffic light pole. He ran from his car. They ran the plates, went to his house. Found the money, dye stained shirt and the idiot's belly was red. Combination of dye and burn.

Anonymous said...

I've got a friend who used to work with the DA's office down here. He's told me some good ones...like how he used to get people to show up at the Bad Check Unit by calling them, telling them they'd won the Alabama Lottery, and they had to show up at the office to collect. (Alabama ain't GOT no lottery, folks!) My personal favorite was the perp who robbed a bank...he got maybe five grand and ten dye bombs, which all went off at once just outside the bank in a big purple cloud.