Monday, December 18, 2006

Sweet Shivering Shiva! Squeals! Everywhere! (part one)

They broke me. I can't stand being made to wait five bloody days just to buy a sodding firearm any more.

"Instant Check" my furry arse.

So, I have taken the Texas Concealed Handgun License course in order to by-pass that miserable excuse for mass public self-gratification that leftist politicians piously refer to as the "NICS Instant Check" and I maintain is a bureaucratic way to legally reduce LawDog to a second-class citizen.

Where was I? Oh, yes. I'm here to tell you, I have received an education.

Probably not the one intended, but an education none-the-less.

And I have Reno as a witness to this, by Gawd.

Where to start?

In this class was a young man who had completely shaved his head and who took every question posed to the class by the instructor as an opportunity to divulge not only the fact that he was in the Army, but that he was an Iraq War veteran.

This kid was somewhat taller than me, and running what Reno estimated to be about 300 pounds. I call it 320, myself.

I had no idea that Iraq was located in "a unique geographical location which caused the moon to only come out six nights each month."

This tidbit of trivia was after Ricky Rambunny announced that since there was no electricity in Baghdad, there were no electric lights on, so Night Vision equipment was useless.

However, opined young Rambunny, the uselessness of NVG's was off-set by the fact that you could simply stay in a black room for an hour or so, and your eyes would be adapted enough to see.

An incredulous Reno asked, "So ... dark-adapted eyes are enough to see at night, but night vision gear is worthless?"

Yes, replieth our Squeal, who proceeded to expound on the unique location of Iraq which only allowed the moon to appear for six days each month.

This was followed by the story of Rambunny falling twenty feet off of a misplaced fast rope, but heroically climbing to his feet to kick in the door -- "so he wouldn't let down his buddies".

Personally, I figure if my butt had 400 pounds riding on it (320-pound Rambunny + 80 pounds of gear), and I just fell twenty feet -- call a front-end loader to scrape up my screaming, weeping, sucking-my-thumb-and-shrieking-for-Mommy carcass and take me to the hospital -- because the only thing I'm even going to consider kicking after that sort of incident is the bucket.

Either curious or appalled -- I'm not sure which -- I asked Young Rambunny what his MOS was. "Military Intelligence", sayeth him. Goodness, sez I, what's the the designation for your MOS and where'd you go to AIT?

"Some guys go to Huachuca, some go to Ft. Meade."

Yes, but which one did you go to?

Rambunny discovered an urgent need to go to the class instructor and offer his services as an assistant -- said need preventing him from answering my question, I might add.

Kee Riced All My Tea.

Not only did this twinkie have two -- count 'em: two -- folding knives in his trouser pockets, but he brought a ruck-sack to the firing range which had two fixed blade knives attached (one taped to the chest strap and one tied to the side of the ruck).

This ruck itself was a wonder. Brand new, not a speck of dirt or wear anywhere on it. For that matter, both of the knives riding on the ruck itself had pristine blades and totally unmarred Kydex sheaths.

Of course, in order to shoot, Rambunny had to ceremoniously don his Hatch Nomex Flight Gloves, black in colour (in use by professionals around the world!)


I would have been considerably more impressed with Young Rambunny if he'd been able to keep all of his shots on the target at ten yards.

Him loading an empty case into a female students magazine by mistake while trying to "help" her made an impression on me all right -- probably not the one he was going for, though.

And when he told me that the EOTech holosights he used "in the sandbox" could be rotated on their mount to enable the operator to "see around corners", I was floored.

The absolute worst part, though, was a tie between him: announcing that the tooling used by Beretta to make M92 barrels was only good for 250 barrels, after which they had to completely refit the factory; or him announcing that the M4 was better than the M16, because the M4 was lighter -- so the bullets went faster.

I don't know how many of my poor, innocent brain cells that man slaughtered during that misbegotten 10 hour class just by opening his cakehole.

Bad as that was, Rambunny was the comic relief.



Anonymous said...

Oh man, I am going to hate that class if your's wasn't just a fluke.

I've been riding on my WA CCW (and actually haven't been carrying so no biggie), but I have a feeling I'm going to miss how they do it up there (prints pass you get one, end of story).

Anonymous said...

My brain felt like a limp dish rag after that torture session. By the time we took the test, I could read about 5 words into the question then just white noise in my head.

Rambunny was not the only winner in the class. We also had the old man that swept his muzzle across half the firing line before being grabbed by the instructor. Then there was the 21 year old pizza delivery guy that LD and I aptly nicknamed "Water Bong". Who by the way, I seriously considered beating to death after listening to this stoner laugh at nothing for ten hours. hurts to think about it.

Casey in Carolina said...

Well, I finally bit the bullet and took the SC CWP class this weekend myself, and while we didn't have a Rambunny of our own, the Instructor was almost as bad.

He starts off the class by stating that he hopes no one brought a .22 Rimfire with them for the class. He doesn't allow people to use a .22 to take the class, because of it's super high velocity. It's not safe, as if someone overshoots the target, it can travel for miles and miles.


He also doesn't believe it's good for self-defense, as a person can be shot with a .22 nine times or more, without being adversely affected.


Ah well, as long as his signature is good enough for the processors of CWP applications, I guess I should just count myself entertained....


Anonymous said...

There's always one of those around, no matter what the course is about. That one seemed a bit extreme, though.

In the "macho" sports (shooting, martial arts, military), they tend to be the most annoying. They're much funnier (and in some instances prettier) in, say, photography or other artsy feelgood-activities.

I've learned that the best way to cope with them is to make notes and write about it in the 'net or otherwise share their knowledge with your friends, as you seem to have done.

Anonymous said...

In occupied California, we have a name for the type of gentleman you ran into:

Mall Ninja.

Anonymous said...

Jeez lawdog, I had a seel in my class. Very similar type person. couldn't hit the broadside of a barn from the inside.

Here is a tongue in cheek review:

CHL Class

Anonymous said...

I don't have any relatives named Ram. He ain't no friend of mine.

Reno & LD, I feel for ya on the incessant hiss of white noise. I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm amazed your SEEL didn't try to rush the target with his blade or have a ND or two.

I recertified my CHL last month and one of the screwdents in the (admittedly small) class kept trying to backtrack over every point the instructor made, ad nauseum ad argumentum. I hurried through the test and scored well and thankfully the other students didn't stick around for the informal debrief afterwards. The range session was scheduled for a different date, and as it was, I had a one-on-one with the instructor for mine.

This particular instructor is quite accomplished as a competitor who was widely respected; not long ago, he taught a security class to some gentlemen of foreign extraction. Of the five in the class, of 250 rounds fired, 48 were not on the paper. I would have loved to have been a casual observer for that.

Needless to say, he flunked the entire class.

Geez, it's suposed to be dfficult on some level for a reason...


Anonymous said...

We used to refer to people of his type as "Condominium Commandos."

Jerry Miculek is one of the local CCW instructors here in NW Lousiana. His classes are interesting to say the least. When I had to renew mine the last time, we all got the chance to try out the 500 S&W revolver the factory had sent him to wring out.

Anonymous said...

Just a lil' note: Aimpoint is working on a parascope attachment for their sights, which would allow a soldier to see/shoot around corners. Took a look at it at the NRA convention, after noticing a Master Sergent playing with it (he seemed VERY impressed). However, at that point, then were in prototype phase...

And why is it I get the impression that watching you and Reno dealing with such a wonderful expert would be entertaining?

Anonymous said...

LD, you had me in giggle fits.

Walt, I'll bet the class with Jerry was entertaining. I took a 3-Gun class with him. It was some of the best fun I've ever had. Kept my mouth shut and learned a lot. :)

Anonymous said...

as a former REMF in the army, it is funny listening to people at the range talk about some of the stuff they used to do, since i nolonger have a hight and tight hair cut, and have put on a few pounds (like say 35-50(ok closer to 60lbs)) You would be amazed at some of the things that they have done, with out spending any real time in the service. For exampe one SuperTrooper, was in the Army Guard for ~8 years(by his count) and made E7 was EOD/Airborn/Ranger/SF and a Scout Sniper with a primary MOS of 92Y200, He did not like my question of how did a 92Y get to be an E7 with only having the SGT skill lvl id? or how a supply puke (i was signal) get all the cool schools with out retraining? and most importanly how did he do it on 2 weeks a year 1 weekend a month (he clamied all traing for ANG was like that)

Ross said...

OK, now I'm really confused... y'all seem to be from what I call "free" states. I'm behind the iron curtain in the People's Republic of MA. I've taken a couple of courses up here and I can thankfully say that I haven't had to deal with the kind of idiots that you all have!

Of course, one course is given by the Worcester PD by a grizzled old Sgt who seems to have absolutely NO sense of humor, so that may have something to do with it... and the other course I took was an NRA course for $150 which is NOT required for an LTC, so that may weed out the wannabees, too.

Anyway, great writeup, LD. I really needed that this morning.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like I lucked out with my concealed class (in NC). We all got along well and everything went well. In fact, I think I want to take it again (but then again the instructor was about the finest looking cop I've ever seen in my life..hehe).

Vic303 said...

LD, Reno, y'all shoulda come down to Plano for the BulletTrap Inc classes. Decent instructors, nice facility, and at least in my class a couple yrs ago, no PITA-wannabe-anythings. Worst we had was a couple folks so new to shooting that they didn't even own a pistol TO carry!

Oh, really the worst thing was they had the room so heavily A/C'd that Sept, that I wanted a coat for 10hrs! I froze!

Anonymous said...

He He He!!
They're everywhere I tell ya, everywhere!!!

Anonymous said...

I've got to laugh at your story, just because there's nothing funny than a TacticalTeddy/Gunstore Commando/Mall Ninja/whatever.

Check this website for a few more laughs on the Mall Ninja.

shooter said...

Thankfully, my CHL in Houston wasn't so bad. There were a disproportianate amount of old geezer muzzle sweepers and housewives in housecoats, but no ramjet the rookies. The range I used to work at had a LOT of goobers. Worst I ever dealt with was a moron taking the renewal who wore his gun to class (concealed, of course). Our instructor forbid anyone to wear a gun in his classes to reduce AD/ND. He came out to the store on a break and bought a new box of ammo. He proceeded to reload right in front of me. After refusing my LOUD commands to stop what he was doing, the three of us behind the counter had to draw on him to get the point across. He was not allowed back into class after that.

Soldier Grrrl said...

If you see Rambunny again, tell him there's a sweet little Texas gal who'd love to meet him.

Then, I'm gonna beat the snot out of him with my beat to shit desert gear and stomp his ass with a pair of pink cowboy boots.

Poseurs like that cheese me off to no end. Gah! If you (generic) were in the Army/Navy/whatever, and you were a cook, then be proud of that. I spent the first four years of my Army career as a truck driver and the last three as a photographer. I'll spend the next umptyfratz years as that most useless of creatures, a 2nd lt. and so what?

I *did* get a government-sponsored tour of the middle east, and yeah, I saw a little bit of shit, but I was lucky and I came home with all my bits and parts and it's not much for me to brag on.

Um. How the hell did I end up on this soapbox?

Anonymous said...

So lemme git this straight ... a swarn peace officer still has to go take the class to qualify for a CHL in Texas?

Her in CO your badge would be more than enough to qualify you for a license.

divemedic said...


that was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Those guys CAN'T be for real. That has got to be a joke.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you should request SF180 on your dimestore commando there. Dollars to donuts you'll be seeing him again.

I can imagine the hours-long tactics discussions he'd hold with Jesse "Ranger SEAL" Macbeth.

Anonymous said...

My favorite CCW instructor comment was from my last class....

Leathal force is legitimate to use to prevent suicide.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, but still all is not lost? Assuming it pasted the CHL course, Mr. 'Ricky Rambunny' still has pass the TXDPS background check.

Anonymous said...

"a swarn peace officer still has to go take the class to qualify for a CHL in Texas?"

No, not to carry concealed. It does howver side step the NICS check and 5 day wait that LD ALWAYS gets hit with.

Kermit said...

I was lucky. I one of the few people in my class who wasn't LEO, from the District Attorny's Office, or a Vietnam Veteran. I have no idea whether every story they told was true or not, but they had enough experience to at least make them sound plausible.

No Kroger's Kommandos in THAT class.

Anonymous said...

the M4 was better than the M16, because the M4 was lighter -- so the bullets went faster.

Oh, but he's absolutely right. The bullets that eminate from my invisible, weightless M4/XR666-Bravo Elite are traveling at light-speed.

Anonymous said...

Signal corps all the way! hmm since have been back I still havent met any ubertacticalrangerguys. Not that I want to other then for the pleasure of makin them squirm in front of someone they are trying to impress.


Anonymous said...

My experience is that real vets don't talk about the worst of their experiences. I grew up with both of my grandfathers' stories of WW2. Daddy's father died back in 1997... he was there at Normandy and the Bulge among other engagements. He had two Silver Stars for actions with no Purple Hearts in the Middle East too and I never knew it until a couple of months ago. He never mentioned killing people under the rules of war either.

"If you see Rambunny again, tell him there's a sweet little Texas gal who'd love to meet him.

Then, I'm gonna beat the snot out of him with my beat to shit desert gear and stomp his ass with a pair of pink cowboy boots."

Yeah. Sounds like he needs it. I'd like to see that stompin' too.

I used to run into a bunch of those "Ricky Rambunny" types in this one uppity gun shop I don't do business with. In Georgia there's no mandatory class for a CCW/CHL/CWP/whatever, so I never had to be stuck with 'em.

Anonymous said...

Lawdog I meet these jokers at the rifle range all of the time. They are the Hi-point commando wannabe's. I ussually just leave them alone. It is not worth my time and energy.
I use to question them and get them hung up on their own bs. I did four years as a NBC/NCO. Was a 54B with the 18th Airborne. Then was with the 81st BN Smoke/recon/decon. Still can't figure out the smoke part, but what ever. So I know a little bit. These wanna be jokers just make me laugh now.

Anonymous said...

Lawdog and Reno--

My condolences on having to put up with that turkey.


Thanks for sharing the Shrine of the Mall Ninja link. That was too funny

Anonymous said...

The crap you have to wade through to avoid other governmental BS!

Matt G said...

The worst part of this ordeal is this: LawDog is a sworn law enforcement officer, and as such can obtain a CHL with a letter from his sheriff or chief, a filled-out background packet, and a $25.00 fee.

LawDog took the course of his own volition. Haw!

Anonymous said...

I got Coke all over my keyboard, my stomach hurts and my wife thinks I lost my mind. Then I went over to the Mall Ninja thread, and completely lost it. LD, I don't know how you and Reno kept the bull sh*t flag in your pocket. Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Marines refer to such as the Rambunny as "Stolen Valor" types - and have no use for such, no matter their branch of service - my time with Uncle Sam's Misguided Children was too short {6 years} to be in joint exercises, but my spousal unit, with 18 years, can 'call' wannabes' on their BS - and that's a joy to behold!
Semper Fi'
Diamond Mair

Anonymous said...

>It does howver side step the NICS check and 5 day wait that LD ALWAYS gets hit with.<

Maybe they're still makin' sure he gave up his bootleggin'? ;)

Anonymous said...

You should get the SEELs' name/address and contact the "Wall of Shame". I'm sure they'ld like to have a "talk" w/ him.

Anonymous said...

I think I found a picture of rambunny!

Anonymous said...

Next time you cross paths with Rambunny, remind him that Baghdad, at 33 Degrees North latitude, is on the same parallel as north Texas. The moon will appear just the same. So much for his astronomical/NVG knowledge. Also ask him to define

Luminance (light output)

Illuminance (reflicted light),

and Albedo (the ratio between luminance and illuminance).

All three are terms you come across in NVG training. Guarantee you he folds.

Anonymous said...

Lawdog, you seem to have all the luck - I took my CHL renewal class in San Antonio (at The Bullet Hole) this past Sunday, and while we had a few ex-military, they were all legit. The worst case of talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk was an ex-Navy firearms instructor who knew LOTS about guns who shot pretty crappy on the line. Heck, I - couch potato extraordinaire - shot a perfect 250 without much trouble, while he ... passed.

Anonymous said...

Youch! That took some serious discipline to not just fall to the ground rolling in laughter. Probably the number one reason to just listen and STFU in class - you're there to learn.

My old roommate's favorite hobby was absolutely shredding these types, particulary claimed Rangers. He had an excellent memory for names so he would just quiz them about names and dates from the commander on down. After the hole was dug deeply enough the lid would shut and he would walk away. He earned his tab and he had zero tolerance for fakers and BS artists.

If I'm taking a class, I'm there to learn. If something I'm taught doesn't add up I'll ask a question.

You are not helping me look forward to my next CCW class.

Anonymous said...

"The worst case of talks the talk, but doesn't walk the walk was an ex-Navy firearms instructor who knew LOTS about guns who shot pretty crappy on the line. Heck, I - couch potato extraordinaire - shot a perfect 250 without much trouble, while he ... passed."

That's the problem... knowledge and physical dexterity are two very different things. Like in my case, I claim to know what I know, but that don't make me a "know-it-all" in my own opinion. I also claim that I can shoot and I'm not past telling of some good shots I've made or good groups I've made on paper *on*a*good*day*. It don't mean I can do it every time. I tagged my buck just before dark on Thanksgiving, but I'm another hunter who has frustrating stories of missing when the shot should've counted. However, I've won a 100yd bucket match shooting my .30-30 deer rifle offhand standing and placed a mite lower than I wanted to in the scored match. It's not how well we do so much as how well we tried and how we handle the aftermath. Unless we're talking about the CCW course because a test that deals with our abilities to handle life and death is a whole 'nuther story.

mustanger98 on THR

Anonymous said...

I am a person of no particular shooting skills, who shot high class score in my TX CHL class, 247/250. The idea that my class mates were going to carry concealed when several could not reload their semiautos was, well, intriguing. I suppose the Texas law that allows carry of semiauto or revolver if one passes the shooting test with a semiauto has something to do with that - hopefully they were using borrowed guns and will stick with the S&W Model 10 in the car or at home.
Other than that, the course was fun and well worth the time and trouble. Go for it.

Anonymous said...

A kind word for the Bullet Trap?
Last time I was there (though it's been years) they didn't allow double taps or drawing from the holster. And when I ordered targets, they handed me twin bullseyes.
This was several years ago, but the general vibe was target shooting, not combat prep.