Saturday, January 02, 2010

Monkey's fist

With the tightening down in aeroport security (Hah! I made a funny!), we here at The LawDog Files continue our effort to Keep You Safe In An Unsafe World by bringing to your attention various products which we feel may help confound TSA goons, graphically illustrate the oxymoron that is Aeroport Security, increase your level of personal security.

In earlier posts I detailed the care and feeding of an improvised slungshot using a belt and a Masterlock, but today -- in honour of Janet Napolitino's bushwa statement about how the "system worked" -- I'd like to introduce my Gentle Readers to a most useful keychain:


And look! They also come in Coyote Brown, OD Green, Desert Tan and Ye Olde Black! Tactical monkey's fists!

I do realize that some of my Gentle Readers are more than capable of tying a monkey's fist all on their ownsome, but I must confess that I am a terrible knottist. And ladies and gentlemen, if I am pounding a Nigerian terrorist like a German porno, the last thing I want is for my LawDog-tied monkey's fist to come all agley before I am quite through.

Plus, the name of that site is snarky, and sly, and pretty much describes my feelings about the TSA all in one word.



phlegmfatale said...

It's nice to see there's a full spectrum of colours for the folks who want to coordinate this accessory with their shoes and handbag when they knut up. WOOHOO!

Da Curly Wolf said...

Thanks Lawdog. Ohhh how I wish you'd posted this before I spent the Visa giftcard I got for christmas.
Oh well. I will get a refillable gift card, and then get a couple knuts. :)

UbiCaritas said...

Miss Phlegm--precisely my thought. "Ooh! They come in turquoise! And purple! And burgundy! And black goes well with everything! And..."

Old NFO said...

My personal favorite was always the roll of dimes in the Navy neckerchief :-) However, I did find a 'suitable' alternative that goes right through security..

Re the monkey fist, I DO know how to tie one, but I'm 'knot' sure they'd let me through security with one 2 inches across :-)

Anonymous said...

When I was a teen ager, we tied monkey fists on anything heavyish we could lay our fiendish paws on. My personal favorite was round fishing weights of about 6 ounces and 1 1/4" diameter. We used genuine WWII US Army Surplus Paracord cut from real freight drop parachutes. (7/8" and 1" hex nuts are good too.)

Gerry N.

Bertha said...

I'm with Da Curly Wolf--I done spent my Christmas money! Definitely one for the Want List.

Da Curly Wolf said...

NFO..yeah I sure security would have a screaming fit about one 2" across or more. buncha frackin kill sense of humor at all. :P
Which is really amusing since the first thought to cross my mind was "I need to learn to tie one of those so I can make my own...and bigger."

Bertha..I may just get the supplies and make my own. was watching a youtube vid on how to tie one and think I could do it the 1st time out. May take me 10 minutes or so but..*shrug* [only watched it 5x...:)]

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...


Remember kids, the airlines themselves kindly supply every passenger on board with a capable defensive weapon in the form of their REMOVABLE seatbelts. The buckle end of those weigh something like half a pound.

For areas outside the plane itself, somewhat larger passengers, like me, can usually walk right through security with one of these:

Deputy Polarbear said...


Looks good....I would highly caution your readers about the 'slung shot' though.....easy way to get booked for felony weapon possession here in CA....12020(a)PC......

The Monkey Nuts would be ok, as long as you remember to say that it is only a keychain....never, ever use the phrase 'for personal protection'.....

Jim March said...

Ummm...I gotta ask...wouldn't a basic aluminum 2-AA size flashlight used as a kubaton be more effective? Aren't they still letting those on flights?

I'm not a huge fan of "short flail" class weapons unless they're capable of severe 1-shot knockouts. I can't see the Monkeyballs doing that, and you'd have to get pretty damned lucky with a seatbelt extension although I grant it's sure as hell possible. You really need to get damn near into "Morningstar" territory to make it really that I mean, have so much heft that even if you miss the head, you deliver extra special goodness like a broken collarbone, cracked shoulderblade or other "ooh that's gotta hurt" special delivery.

Anything too light (including a seat belt extension) and you have to make the headshot to do ANY damage relevant to the fight (sore the next morning don't count!!!), and a human head bobbing around even with the guy seated is not an easy target. Not a shot I want to try if I need the sucker unconscious like NOW.

But one good hit with the end of a mini-maglight and it's good night Irene...

What am I missing here?

Will said...

A caution about using an aluminium soda can for the insert: About a year ago, the can people thinned the material by 1/3rd. They are VERY fragile now! I would guess you would get ONE useful impact, and expect it to burst or tear immediately. A tight fitting sock may be the best container to use.
I would look for a fruit juice can, as these are normally much more sturdy, and may actually be steel. Also, no carbonation, so less internal pressure trying to pop it.

Foo Bar said...

not having flown in over 10 years, do they still allow 2AA maglite style lights on aircraft? (ala Mr Marches comment).

1 to 1/14 inc solid steel ring. (should fit over index or middle finger comfortably with a bit of room to spare.

approx 11 inches Para Cord in the colour of your choice. (no reason we should be crass in our dress and deportment)

1 X AA aircraft aluminium Maglite (tm) style flashlight.

1 X 3/4 inch steel split ring.

attach 3/4 split ring to base of flashlight.

loop paracord though both rings.

attach keys to large key ring.

knot the cord and seal with flame.

when the large ring is slipped over the index or middle digits you now have a handy dandy lanyard to help hold on to those wonderful AA lights on one end and your keys on the other. such an arrangement can be worn in a stylish belt pouch with the keys in front or back pocket.

however I must strongly recommend that the digits NEVER be inserted into the larger ring thus allowing it to be swung in a rapid circular or rotary manner as this could cause injury to any body party it may encounter. this is ONLY a device for retaining your keys and your AA Light to your person.

Mark said...

I still think it's a simple numbers game. Your air-passenger grade Tango is out to kill all of you - this means his task is larger and more complex than yours. He must either successfully detonate a chemical explosive without the benefit of a "proper" detonator, or carve his way to the flight-deck through a hardened door.

Therefore, the simplest thing you can bring to the fight is the mindset - if I don't stop this guy, as fast and as thoroughly as I can, then we're all dead.

Things like these MonkeyKnut things are lovely, in that they're ready-formed, but Dr. Dog's School of Mayhem is even more useful, because it teaches one to shape tools out of available materials - and hopefully to keep trying when the soda can bursts, the tango ducks and the well-meaning flight attendant tries to "calm the fighting passengers".

ASM826 said...

Whatever I have, if it is only my hands and my teeth, it will be put to use. Here's a quote --

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
--John Steinbeck

kellyb said...

Anonymous said...

Something I always carry when flying is a good quality mechanical pencil, preferably one with a retractable point and metal body. This passes security quite nicely and in a pinch can do amazing damage on a throat, temple, groin or eyesocket.

Anonymous said...

Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never--in nothing freat or small, large or petty, never give in except to conviction of honour and good sense. Never yield to force, never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.
Sir Winston Churchill, Harrow School, 1941.

Good words to live by.
If he lived now, Churchill might have added, 'Never yield to those with no sense of honor in themselves--including not only terrorists but politicians.'

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J-Ro said...

Terrorists aside, what about the Knut's effectiveness in close quarters vis a vis your garden variety parking garage rapist/abductor or even "new acquaintance who won't take no for an answer"? While I recognize that situational awareness is one of official The LawDog Rules for Survival(c), even the best of us ladies can find ourselves in a tight spot on occasion. As such, I just purchased seven of these for distribution among female family members and my closest female friends, and shared the link with those not within my immediate locale.

Much obliged, Officer Dog.

wpngjstr said...

Generally I use a large D carabiner for my key chain; fits nicely over my hand, making it easy to hold on to my keys (yep, thats it), and has yet to be a problem on an airplane. Given the steel ball in the knut, I could see the TSA morons...sorry, screeners... having a problem with it. What have peoples experiences been with it, and what would anyone suggest for a non metallic version? I'm thinking maybe a golfball.

Anonymous said...

Had an alleged Murder here with a padlock and paracord. Darnest thing.

Shootin' Buddy

threadbndr said...

The one and only time I got a 'hairy eyeball' from TSA was at the little regional airport in Jville NC - yep, the one that serves Camp Lejeune. I'd been sitting with my knitting, waiting for my flight, with my son and a couple of his buddies keeping me company. I had been the student in a 45 minute disertation on how to use the contents of my knitting bag for assorted mayhem.

The TSA screener was (from tattos and haircut) a retired Marine. He handed me back my knitting bag after it had gone thru the xray. "You going to do any of that on my airplane?" (with a nod to the young pups waving goodbye)

"Nosir. Not unless I have to."


wv = sagatax (hummm, the sgt attacks???? the attack of a saga - must be a viking.... works for me)

Rorschach said...

I wonder what the TSA would say if I showed up with one built around a 2-1/2" solid chromium steel ball bearing out of a rotary table for a drilling rig... think I could pass it off as a key fob?

Sir Guido Cabrone, LC said...

Just for reference. Flying out of San Jose, post Christmas, I was carrying a grand total of three Surefire lights with me, one L1, Two variations of the 6P. (One LED, one incandescent.)
(The L1 was on a neck lanyard, btw, perfect for the slung shot method of "discouragement".) Also, two rolls of presidential dollar coins, both keychains, (about forty keys, total), and two pairs of athletic socks.

(along with paperback books perfect for slipping into the sleeves of a leather jacket for use as impromptu shields...)

The only thing TSA was interested in to any great extent was whether the flashlights worked.

And the screener had sufficient sense to NOT point them at his eyes when checking to see whether light came out of them...

New Jovian Thunderbolt said...

"Why do you have 2 leather saps, brown and black?"

"One goes with the blue suit, one goes with the gray suit."

Anonymous said...

The humble Bic pen, such a versatile tool and you can carry it behind your ear.

HerrBGone said...

I carry a stainless steel Parker Jotter in my cell phone case and another in the pen pocket on the sleeve of my M1A flight jacket. They go with me everywhere. They’re fairly ubiquitous, unobtrusive and always at the ready.

WV: “dializer”

With the new Ronco Dializer you too can become a highly productive telemarketer. For just four easy payments of only $19.95!

John B said...

I got the paracord, I also have a few mack truck lug nuts.
I shall practice with this.
Never figured out how to properly carry the e-string of my guitar, just in case. Plus the e-string garrote is kinda hard to use quickly on multiple targets.
Shooter Marbles are a good short -term substitute for the 3/4 steel balls.
I'll make a hundred or so for sale at select venues......

WV:crater... what I want to leave with this.

John Hardin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
John Hardin said...


Leo Frankowski came up with a one-shot disposable garrote using a "strange, one-way slipknot" for his Night Fighters in The Flying Warlord. Carrying a few of those you could engage multiple targets in sequence without having to spend very long on each one (modulo the element of surprise, of course).

Tying knots in your spare E-string might look a bit suspicious, though...

Mark Horning said...

I'm also one of the heavy duty mechanical pencil types.

Regardless, I told the misses that I wouldn't mind one of the "eco-nuts" for my birthday.

Unknown said...

Whenever I'm flying, I wear my Wilderness Tactical Instructor Belt:

I've never had anyone give me grief about it and have no doubts that it would make an effective weapon if God forbid, it was needed.

KD5NRH said...

John B.

Buy some of the high-tech braided fishing line like Spiderwire in a 60lb or higher test. It's strong, thin as thread, and great for emergency repairs. It's also nonmetallic, so you can stitch a few lengths into your clothing without worrying about metal detectors. I keep some sewn into my hiking pants because there are a lot of backwoods-type things that a really strong string is useful for.

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Janean said...

OK, I want the purple and black sports one! Not that I like the TEAM - I lOVE the colors.
Ummm - Mother's day is coming up! HINT HINT

Anonymous said...

No need to get all fancy with a monkeyfist.

Just need a plain old padlock (of sufficient mass -- no teeny little brass ones) and a length of paracord or bootlace tied in a circle.

Loop the cord through the shackle on the lock to form a handle and flail away at the bad guy's head.

Takes about ten seconds to assemble from completely innocuous and TSA-approved bits.